Am I awkward?

When you grow up not knowing from whom you came from, this being my case since I was adopted, you feel like you are living in someone else’s life.  It is easy to feel weird or awkward.  I felt this way throughout my younger years. Here I was living in a house with a dad, mom, older sister, and younger brother. I was the middle child, the only one that had been adopted. 

I always felt that I was different, that there was something in this mix of family that did not represent the “whole” me.  I say “whole”, because I never felt whole, after finding out I had been adopted. I really did feel awkward.

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Photo by Jasmine Wallace on Pexels.com

I always wanted to know things like, “Do I look like them, talk like them, eat the same foods as them, and so on”. Them, being my birth family. Sometimes I would see resemblances in my adopted family and me. I would catch people talking to one another and claiming that I had the same features as one or the other adopted parent. I am not sure if everyone my family knew, knew I was adopted. I do know however that my church family knew. It was talked about in whispers amongst them and they did not think I could hear what they had said. Sadly, I did. Adults can be insensitive to a child’s feelings and they often time think the child cannot hear them, or understand what they say. I say to never underestimate the knowledge of a child and the grasp of understanding they have.

See, “awkward” almost seems like an in appropriate adjective to describe myself back then. Although awkward was definitely how I felt at times , especially in a public place. I never really felt like I belonged in my adopted family and I am not really sure if they thought I did or not. I do know that once my younger brother said I was his cousin and that I did not belong in his family.   I really felt those words he said that day. I think they forever will haunt my mind.

If there was a time that I felt complete or where I belonged, I cannot recollect. I really think the place I am today, with my kids, grandkids and husband, is the closest thing I will ever know to be my place of belonging. That place is where I do not feel awkward, I do not feel weird and I know that I was meant to be where I am.

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3 thoughts on “Am I awkward?

  1. Show the love to others you always wanted… be the family to others (even to those outside it) you always wanted… you will discover there are many who long for ‘family’ (even if they may ‘belong’ somewhere else by blood).

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