Category Archives: Blue

Blue (from Blue’s thoughts)

I know how it feels to be scared. I have spent most of my life being scared. I have felt like there was no-one to trust but many to fear. The ones who were suppose to help me and keep me safe, are the main ones responsible for the fear I have inside. I do cope, if you could say that. Sometimes I relive things and sometimes I imagine things . Using different scenarios I will let my own mind move through it all, until I see what lies at the end of that particular scenario. I have always felt like that is what keeps me from totally cracking or falling apart. If somehow I could imagine things and have myself deal with those imaginations, of worse case scenarios, I would be more prepared and equipped to deal with them should they become a reality. I guess.

A lot of things have happened to me that only I know. As is the case with others, I’m sure. I remember lots of things but never really all in one sitting. The remembered parts of my life, come in segments , sometimes at different months, years, or days. Nothing really has to “set them off”. The thoughts of remembering, just happen when they want , usually. I don’t think anyone could really understand the way my life has truly felt for me. I doubt anyone has a decent clue, even. I have talked about things at various times and those listening will sometimes just nod. Sometimes, those listening to my stories, will comment on what I have told them. None listening or commenting really help me to feel better. In fact seeing their expressions make me feel more isolated, more misunderstood. It is a vicious cycle. I want others to know, to hear, to feel what I did, but how can they, really? Is it even possible?

There has always been that voice inside my head that tells me, “Maybe you have made up half of the stuff you think or say has happened.” It eats away at my mind’s sanity. I mean it could be possible, couldn’t it? Then there is the pain and feelings I felt that flood into my everyday life, into my reasonings, my thoughts, my pain. That would have to be real, right? I mean I have seen or read about someone making up things that they truly believe has occurred or been done to them. They believe in what they have said and feel so much, perhaps they have unannounced to them, convinced themselves of something that is erroneous. I have no doubt that our minds are very powerful motivators for things we do and the actions we do as well.

Why was I put in the life I find myself in? Why must I constantly doubt that true love is something I have, will have, or is even meant for me? I constantly doubt the sincerity of people’s actions, and I question their motives. This comes from the fatherly betrayal and from my own mother’s problems with me, and in dealing with her own life. I find it hard to let myself just relax and lean on another person. It is and has always been a long and strenuous journey for me to come to terms with. However, I must keep going through it, trying to understand it, and keep love in my heart. It would be so easy to not care for anyone, or even myself. I must constantly tell myself I am worthy of love, real love. I must also tell myself that there are genuine people out there with genuine feelings for me. I must never stop believing in faith and hope and charity. Never!

MwsR


Author’s note-

My journey is not the most terrible one that has ever occurred. There are people that have experienced extreme treatments and hurts, and have had awful lives, at the hand of another person. I believe each person is different, feels things differently, and deals with things in a fashion that is appropriate for them. For me, my home life,, has it’s share of secrets, heartaches, and sadness. It is not however without good times, happiness, and love. This has always been my own story, my own life. Being Blue has been one of the hardest burden, to bear. I hope that one day I can help others, the way a few have helped me, by telling the story, so many live and know, as well. I hope in sharing my life that others will find the strength and the courage, for whatever battle they find themselves facing.

Thank you for reading 🙂

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Blue ~ Boo!

Most kids grow up hearing ghost stories and things about evil and rarely ever see the evil that lives and breathes right alongside them, daily.

MwsR

Sometimes it isn’t what we cannot see that scares us, but what we actually do see.

MwsR

Blue always looked forward to Halloween events and the whole idea of dressing up and pretending to be something she wasn’t in real life and perhaps someone she wished herself to be. She always got to choose a costume out that she wanted and her mother would sew or make it. Her mother was the best seamstress she had ever known. She could literally make anything she saw or had a pattern for. She self taught herself too. No fancy school was needed because she must of been born with the gift naturally. Blue loved the things her mother would make and sew together for her. She never stopped to think how lucky she really was to have such a gifted mother. I guess when your young and naïve you seldom see the beauty in things that you have, or you just don’t realize the luck you have.

Well, this year at Halloween Blue wanted to be Cinderella. She needed a mask and was kind of scared to ask her mother for one. She never wanted her mother to feel that she was ungrateful for anything and perhaps asking for a store-bought mask, it might make her mother think that way. She had been in the department store with her grandmother and aunt last week and she spied a Cinderella mask for dressing up. Blue had brown hair and knew that to pull off Cinderella she would need the appropriate color of hair and this mask had that. She was hesitant to ask for it, but she really needed it to complete her costume this year.

Image result for cinderella 1970's face mask
Image result for halloween costumes in the 1970s

Blue gathered up her courage and went to ask her mother for the Cinderella mask from Roses. As she approached her unsuspecting mother she noticed her mother was watching the Price Is Right tv show and she cleared her throat to get her mother’s attention. Her mother looked her way and before she really thought it out, she blurted out, “Can you get me a Cinderella mask, they have one at Roses?” Her mother said, “If it is not too costly I will go get it after work today.” Wow, that was easier than Blue had imagined. her mother did not even question her. She did ask, however, what color of princess dress did she want to have with it? Blue said, “Well, blue color, of course.”

Her mother brought the mask home as soon as she came home from work. She said for Blue not to damage it or tear it up because she would not receive a replacement if she did. Blue was so excited she went into her room and opened the box and tried on the mask. “Perfect fit”, she said. She could just imagine how she would look come Halloween night all dressed up in her costume and she smiled such a big smile, it was almost as wide as the Eerie Canal. What a wonderful time it will be she thought to herself.

Blue was so excited she went to school the next day bragging, about her mask. Several of the kids said they too, were going as Cinderella. Blue actually felt like she was special since she had the same thing others wanted too. When she was doing classwork it was really hard for her to focus on the work since all she could think of was the Cinderella in her head, the one she was going to be for Halloween, she could not wait.

Proud as she was, of her costume for this year’s Halloween, that could not take away the darkness she sometimes felt inside. Halloween was good and all, but she knew exactly what a monster was, personally. She felt the horror, down deep, inside her soul. She lived with a monster every day. Hee took her safe place, surrounded it with evil and made sure she felt isolated and alone. He was someone whom she needed to be able to trust, but he only gave her a lack of trust.

Her own father was her personal monster. He preyed on her innocents and he took her as a hostage to his desires of sinful lust. He was the biggest monster she knew. He would always be the thing she feared the most. Instead of running, it would be many years of torture she would endure. When she became an adult she would no longer trust people, especially those who said they truly loved her. Because of her father, she would doubt that she could ever be much. Because of him, she forever knew “Boo” …


To be continued....
MwsR <3

Thank you for reading 🙂

Blue~The Garden

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The Garden

Often when we reflect on the days so long ago, we remember with a sense of fondness…

This was how Blue remembered. She remembered the talks, the smells, the taste, and the precious moments, she had with her grandmother. What Blue remembered was something she would keep with her for all time.

Today was a very humid day and Blue has dressed accordingly. She had her one-piece romper on. It had spaghetti straps that tied at the joining and it was striped like the zebra that came off of a cartoon she had seen. All the colors were really bright and bold, not at all matching Blue’s character. Blue was shyer and reserved. That, however, did not stop her mom from buying her the most daring outfits ever. This romper was a short romper. It was kind of neat. She enjoyed it, she did not have to worry about her butt crack showing as she bent down to do something. This was really important to her. Funny but true. She did not want anyone looking at her butt crack. It is funny what some view as important while others think nothing more about it.

Today Blue was heading to the garden with her grandmother. She loved going to the garden and thought it was just the best time, ever. Usually, in the garden, she would help her grandmother pick weeds and such. Sometimes if the vegetables were ripe enough she would get to pick and eat them. Just enough though, as to have enough for others. Her favorite food was the little round tomatoes. Her grandmother called them “Tommie Toes”. They were round and small, just the right size for her to stuff into her mouth. Her next favorite was the corn on the cob. Her grandmother always had lots of stalks of corn. She was to help her grandmother shuck the corn and then freeze some and then there was plenty for an evening snack. Fresh butter that her grandmother churned was a perfect condiment to the wonderful fresh corn.

Blue loved helping her grandmother and there was always something that needed to be done. Especially when there were green beans. Blue helped de-string the green beans and pop them into three pieces, each. This would be a long task seeing as they need three pieces from one bean. Usually, Blue pulled strings off and broke them into three parts but today she wanted to wash the beans in cold water. She was not as fast as her grandmother. her grandmother often employed the help of her sister as well. Those two could work way faster than Blue. Blue’s grandmother still enjoyed her help, however. Blue never really liked green beans but would eat her grandmother’s because her grandmother would fix them with potatoes and bacon fat. The taste was out of this world.

Blue’s grandmother dressed appropriate, for heading out into the thick garden. She wore knee socks over her polyester pants and wore a smock top that had snaps for closures. This must have been because it was easy to take on and off and cooler than a regular blouse. Also, that was her grandmother’s way of dress at home. Blue thought her grandmother was the wisest person in the world and whatever was good for her was always good for Blue. So today she wore knee socks too. This was to ensure that spider or snake would not crawl up her legs. Also, it helped keep ticks from latching on. Blue’s grandmother always battled snakes, she would kill the bad ones and display their carcass on a bush in the yard to ward off other snakes from entering the yard. She killed them with her shovel and appeared so brave. Blue was enamored by her grandmother.

See the source image

Every summer, there were always lessons out in the garden at her grandmother’s and every time Blue learned something that she would keep inside her head for the rest of her life. The garden was wondrous with it’s ability to grow life from seeds, and it usually was full of stuff she enjoyed eating. Blue was always the shortest thing in the garden but that did nit stop her from following in her grandmother’s footsteps. She enjoyed everything, even the dirt on her feet to the spider webs in her hair.


For Blue, time spent with her grandmother was crucial to her sanity. Nothing could make her feel so excited or so loved.


To be continued...


Thank you for reading 🙂

Blue~ The End of The School Year

Ah, the end of the school year! Most kids are looking forward to it, but not Blue. End of the school year meant having to be stuck at home. Home, a place she feared to be alone, with her father, all summer…

School ending always meant testing and for three days now she had to take tests that were to show if she was ready to go to the next school grade or if she had learnt all that was taught. Each year at the end of the school year, it always was the same and each year, Blue did a good enough job to pass onto the next grade. This was a good thing because if she had to repeat the same grade again her parents would be angry. Testing days were the most boring and mundane things, as you can imagine. Sitting at your desk for hours and hours, only getting a few short breaks to go use the restroom or get a sip of water, and about thirty minutes for a lunch break. No talking was allowed during testing and you almost felt like you was in a prison. Each teacher stared you down from your head to your feet, watching and waiting as if they were detectives trying to see someone cheat on those tests. It was intense to say the least.

Blue was eagerly waiting for the last school bell to ring, and signal the start of the summer break. As the bell rang, she watched kids with their arms full of things leave and disperse from the school halls. The noise was loud and deafening. The chatter was a mix of happiness, fair wells, and excitement. Often that day was a happy time, but Blue had mixed emotions. She really welcomed the start of the summer break because that meant she would be free to play outside or spend time at her grandmother’s, more than during school days, and she wanted that. Sadly though, that was not all she thought about. She also knew that she would have to stay at her sister’s and then in the evening while waiting for her mother to get off from work, her father would pick her up and take her home. This would give opportunity and confrontations that she did not want, from her father.

With a mix of emotions, she still managed to smile, knowing she would have time to spend in her favorite place, the woods just outside her house. Those woods brought her so many new adventures, so many things to see and do. She really loved having that time, even if she could not stay there day and night. In the woods she felt happy. She had no reason to hide there, no reason to cry, there. The woods were a part of her life she still thinks of with fond memories. Nothing else was as special as her time there. She used that wonderful imagination she had and made a world for herself that was as special as she wanted to feel.

Ah, summer break! Into the woods she would go, to feel safe and happy.

To be continued...

MwsR


Thank you for reading 🙂

Blue~ Some Background

Birth~ and beyond

Blue was adopted. She knew the family that adopted her was her biological relatives. Her Aunt adopted her and she was being raised alongside her (cousins) a brother and sister. She had no idea of her birth mom or that she had a biological sister. This would take until she was an adult to find out.

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Blue was the middle-aged child in the family dynamics. She was freckled faced and blue eyed. She was petite in stature and had light brown hair. She had a birthmark on her left side of her neck, it ran under her chin and onto her chin just a dab. She often felt self-conscious of it and would hide it with turtle neck shirts and collared shirts. She was somewhat a tomboy but loved getting dolled up and made pretty, too.

Blue was shy and often she felt awkward at talking to others. She was rather popular and outgoing at school but not around adults. She sometimes had many questions but remained silent. She would much rather talk to the birds and creatures, then any human. Reserved and guarded she would sometimes carry on conversations with an adult, but usually, she just listened with a curious ear.

Blue was great at singing solos and in her school choir. She felt that singing was one of her gifts in life and often sang in her church choir, as well as her schools choir. Sometimes she would sing for the congregation during Sunday services. This brought her much peace and made her feel accomplished and appreciated. She always said, she was better at singing than talking.

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Often, Blue would go out of her way to make someone feel good and she often would extend a conversation to the kids at school whom others would make fun of. Blue was caring and thoughtful to those whom she saw being mistreated or ostracized. This was just because blue carried empathy for others. She knew all the feelings of being left out, sad and hurt…

Blue’s father that had adopted her was not a good dad. He would look at Blue like something other than a daughter. He would come to be the reason Blue distrusts people and has a hard time believing what they say. No one in Blue’s life hurt her as bad as her dad. Her mother was someone Blue loved dearly, but in time her mother would find it hard to have a good relationship with Blue. Her mother had many demons of her own and often sheltered or tried to control Blue to the point that Blue never felt safe. Her mother knew about her dad’s issue and gave a blind eye to them. This would hurt Blue tremendously and ultimately ruin their relationship.

Blue never felt safe at home. She felt a prisoner in her own family’s house. She was not allowed to go outside and play often times, because her mother was afraid someone would kidnap her. She would often go spend the night with a friend and see how a normal family acted. Blue had a hard time understanding all that would go on in her home. Blue never gave up hope for a better life, a better kind of healthy love, and a life that would bring her blessings and a family of her own.


Image result for Blue pages of a book

Please follow along in the stories of Blue.

To be continued…


One does not what one will do until they find themselves in a particular situation.

Blue



Thank you for reading 🙂

Blue~Easter

Easter, ah, the time when eggs get dyed, candy is given, and there is a big meal for the family…

Easter was one of the best holidays for Blue. She would get a new dress, a pair of new shoes, along with a new purse. Her mother would go all out for that holiday. At least during her younger years until her teenage years, this sort of ritual happened. She usually enjoyed all the relentless preparations for Sunday Easter service at her church. Every Easter you would see kids dressed up in their new clothes and things. It was part of the celebration of Easter when Christ rose from the dead and rose again. On this holiday, the church congregation would participate in the Last Supper. It was for those who were the age of accountability, meaning the ones who were old enough to be saved, know right from wrong, and so forth..

The Sunday service usually started with a sunrise sermon, which was always early on Easter Sunday, like around 7 a.m. The church people would gather outside and light candles while admiring the sunrise. This would be because it was in remembrance of Christ rising from the grave after being crucified. After that, they would go into the church and have an Easter message from the preacher about Easter, and followed by the Last Supper, or meeting around the altar, partaking of bread and juice. Those symbolized Christ’s body and his blood. A hard concept for a young person. Blue often visualized that kind of thing in her head. It not only made her squeamish but sad for all Christ went through.

After Sunday services, and as they headed home, Blue’s family would come together at her house. it seemed to be the family place where they shared holiday meals. Blue’s belly often growled because of the wonderful smells coming from the kitchen. It was probably the best food she had ever eaten. Usually, there was a big ham, potato salad, deviled eggs, slaw, sweet potatoes, and corn, followed with green bean casserole and so much more. Blue often snuck bites from things that were placed on the table, before anyone took notice. It was always delicious. One thing Blue knew, her family sure could cook. One day Blue knew she too would cook great.

After the meal, there was a period of just sitting and having conversations and checking out all the goodies given to her by the “Easter Bunny”, and then the great Easter egg hunt. it was fun finding all the colored Easter Eggs but Blue often wondered why this silly tradition even existed. What was the purpose for it all? Blue knew that Easter really was not about all that hubbub, but about Christ’s love and sacrifice for us. Blue never forgot what happened to Christ and she always tried to be thankful. Often, the Easter Bible Story was read, and she visualized the moments that led to it all.

Despite all the things that happened in her home, Blue still knew how much she had to be thankful for. She always prayed to be a good person and always tried to enjoy the good moments when she could. Not every day was bad for her, but sometimes all she had was the joy the good times gave her, that is why she remembered.

Remembering on the good things can push back the not so good times. Sometimes, that is all we have.


To be continued…


https://mwsrwritings.com/2019/02/01/blue-did-not-recognize-her/

https://mwsrwritings.com/2019/03/27/blue-blue-hurts-too/

Thank you for reading 🙂

Blue~ Blue Hurts Too

Blue never really understood why she was hurting someone’s feelings if she asked questions about where she came from and things of that nature. It just seemed natural that she would want to know the people who brought her into the world and gave her up for adoption. She was pretty sure if the tables were turned they would want to know too.

Never did it occur to her that the family who adopted her would wish to keep the information surrounding her adoption a secret. She was wanting to know who she walked like, who she talked like, whose eyes she inherited and so forth. Never did it cross her mind that that would be taken as a slight against the adopted family. She loved them and merely wanted to know simple things. She had always ben very inquisitive but mainly kept her questions to herself because she was always told, “Kids should be seen and not heard”, ugh. She never agreed with that, not one bit. After al it was her life she was inquiring about and she deserved her questions answered.

Her adopted family did not se things the same as her, though. They really got aggravated and angry or dismissive when she approached them, any of them. One way or the other she would get her answers and she knew just how to go about getting that done. She would sneak around the house where she knew her mother kept private things, or things of value. She would have to wait till she had time alone at her home or a time when left alone. She hidden her mother put things away and she knew exactly where she would go looking. She also knew if she ever got caught , there would be hell to pay. Not to mention, the opportunity might not come again.

So to plan her scavenging, she needed to know about what everyone in the household would be doing in the following days ahead. She wanted to do things sooner, rather than later, if she could. Anticipation was getting the best of her. She would take some glances of things while she pretended to do her chores, such as dusting. This would be the perfect coverup for her snooping. She was really betting that there was so much she would be able to find, especially in her mother’s chest of drawers. That would be her first place to look.

Why was it that the family thought she had no right to know anything about those who gave her life? She really just could not get that they kept the things most important to her, in their own minds. It was rightfully hers to know. Did they not believe that she could hurt to? That she had feelings that really mattered? Of course it was looking like they did not care to share. But that would al be taken care of son enough, doing it her way. Blue was determined, and she really could hurt too.

MwsR <3

To be continued

Thank you for reading 🙂

Blue• Storms

Today was one of those gloomy, dreary days.

It had rained all dang day and Blue could not stand it. She had always hated days where it rained. This was because she could not go outside. If she couldn’t go outside, she could not imagine. If Blue wouldn’t use her imagination she felt sad. Blue had always been good at imagining. For as long as she could remember, the world she imagined in her head was and had been better than the real world. Today, it seemed like a lost cause.

As Blue got into doing her homework she found herself getting bored. The same old stuff every evening for homework. First, she did her spelling words and then read the chapters in her history book, followed with her answer and questions given by her teachers. She really thought most of this was just busy work. She wished she had something else to do besides homework but sadly, no. So Blue took her time this evening going all her assignments. She heard her mom and dad arguing and tried to eavesdrop in on what they were upset about. Usually, her dad would do a lot of shouting, slamming of cabinet doors, and stomping. Her mom usually was trying to explain or calm him down. This could sometimes last got minutes but mostly lasted for the rest of the evening. Her dad would low up then leave, and return later on and pick up where he left off at.

Usually, if the arguing was in the evening, supper was delayed and no one really ate together. That is if they came to eat. If her dad was angry her mom would leave the food out for him. This would be difficult because her mom would not eat and she and her brother would have to figure out what to fo., on their own. It created such a cloud of disdain that because of it, us kids would not even leave our rooms to get food. This made the nighttime hard, usually, Blue would do hungry she couldn’t sleep.

Well, this evening would be that way. Tonight Blue would go to bed without any supper. Not to mention, sadness at the fact her parents were so mad at each other. She never did catch ear of what it was they were arguing about. Probably something to do with the church. Who knows. Often her dad was mad and wouldn’t like her mom going to evening church services, but despite his feelings, her mom would still try to go. Blue kind of admired her mom’s tenacity. Although, mostly Blue did not understand her dad’s fight against her mom going. Blue just wished it would stop.

Blue found herself in this yucky day, yucky weather, hungry, and bored, and sad. So what did Blue do but lie in bed using her imagination? She found herself talking to God. With thunder and lightning from outside Blue’s room lit up with each strike of lightning which led Blue to use that in her talk with God. Blue asked God to answer her with thunder or a flash of lightning. Lightning stood for yes. Thunder stood for a no.

Now Blue was not sure if she would actually get God to go along with it but she was ready to try. After all, she had lots of questions. Some questions were about her parents. She would ask things like, ” Do they love me?”, or”Will they ever divorce?”. Blue just needed to know things. It was in her nature. Surely Hod understood it all. At least she hoped he would.

Blue always tried to get God’s answers that a way. All of her childhood she would seek his answers through a time of storms. She never really knew though if God liked it. Something’s she never asked of him. The one thing she did was, ”Can I be loved?”, God would answer her, but they never were answered the same. Somewhere in between her wants and needs she just needed to be loved. To Blue it was simple, either you did or you did not.

”Oh , if life were that simple! ”,she often thought.

To be continued…

MwsR❤️

Thank you for reading 🙂