It had to be you know, there was no more me living on pins and needles. There was no possible way, I could let you rule the rest of my decisions, for my life left to live.
I had to leave when I did. It was getting so hectic and unbearable. I was virtually a prisoner to the a deck of cards, never knowing when the next card would fall or what it would be. It was not the life I wanted for me.
Familiar was never a reason to stay, and to be treated that way. Love was not going to fight all your demons you had built around yourself and mine too. One of us had to let go. One of us had to love enough to break free. That one who did was me. I loved myself for once in my life, back then, on that day. The day when I turned and waved.
I was desperate but not foolish, I could take care of myself and that I did. Without you, or him, or anyone in my family circle back then. I survived to make a new way, forget past judgements that were thrown my way. I was going to be a better me and live to tell. My own stories of personal hell.
I did it, here I am writing a post on my own webpage, because this time I am the in “charge of” host. I am the one who gets to recall as I see fit, all the darkness , each and every bit. I get to decide to give time to thinking, of the things that help me so tight against the wall to hell back then. I am the one who in all intense description, yet, still lives it over and over again, not you. Never you.
I will manage at times to appear to regress, see myself sometimes crying out and starting to stress. I find that I love you still despite all I choose to let go of. I find I want you in my life despite the cruel ways you use to let me dangle and twist and almost choke my own life out.
I find that pain is no more a server of knowledge, and sometimes gives us enough to carry on. I find myself trudging past all the why’s and what if’s and I find mostly I am still so lost in it… I know it has become like a part of my skin, serving a purpose that I cannot see, a part of forgiveness that I had to give to me. A part that says I am no more a loser and a no good. I am a person who has loved and lost. More lost than been loved. I am a person who caries their heart on their shoulders, and still holds out a hand. I cannot picture me any other kind of man.
I wanted to just tell you, should you ever read, these words I have written and left for you to see,
No more a prisoner! Hmm, that sounds good if only my eyes and heart would agree!