And she faded away…
All that she was before and all she ever hoped to be was like a color that stays out in the sun to long, she faded over time.
Her fade was gradual and hardly noticeable but she caught glimpses each day she looked at herself, really looked at herself.
She liked to tell people who time and circumstances, people and life hadn’t changed her any, but it had.
Where she once had such a funny nature, and a little more naïve trust, now that seemed to be turned into dust. She just lost her sense of hope in all that she left behind.
Her aspirations of a better time, a better standing in life, was just one day dismissed. It is like she finally saw things around her for what they were.
Maybe it was from all the criticism that she seemed to get, or maybe it was the lack of effort people gave her.
Really it was too hard to pinpoint just when and where it all started to decline.
Maybe it had been when she was small, her first trust in someone was broken. Her battle that lay ahead of her in those days had never left her. Her ability to truly believe that one human could actually mean what they portray, what they said they would be.
When life hardens you, takes the rug out from underneath you, things change.
It is a slow fade, one that keeps you in a false sense of control. You see things in all your relationships with people. You find yourself with someone who genuinely cares about your well-being but you dismiss it to be an act of convenience. You fail to see what it is or how in-depth it really has become.
No one wants to find thunder and storms while following a rainbow! Sometimes though, that can happen. You have to really see things for what they are. You have to try really hard to see through the exterior of things or people and take the good with the bad, but never settle for less than normal.
When life is difficult or you have really struggled, you lose hope and your sense of wonder. You lose the “who” you can be to the “who” you have become. They both fight constantly in your soul and heart and mind. There will be one that survives, make it the better one.
She never knew how to harness all that pain and let downs she received. Like a stain on a shirt, it faded, but it is still there. Maybe one day when life gets so uncomplicated and she can focus on her own self above others, she will be able to fix it, or simply get another “shirt to wear.”
Sometimes it takes a whole new outlook and state of mind to see the impossible. or the things we need to realize.
She knew that people truly meant somethings they say, but she still kept doubt in the back of her mind.
“Is it possible for someone to love me”, she often said to herself.
Her answer was always, “We will see.”
Fading away…she still goes through each day, always trying to believe that someone could love somebody like her.