Thoughts/MOM

 

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I remember that first day, when I heard that you were not doing well. I thought in my mind at that time that this was just a set back, possible short-term, but that you would get through it all. You was having to go on Dialysis and was told that your kidneys were hardly functioning like they should. Honestly I did not know much about that sort of treatment, just what I knew from transporting my client to their on weekly dialysis treatments,

I was a driver that took clients to where they needed to go, usually all of the many trips was to pick up someone and take them to their health appointments or medical needs appointments. I had several patients who went through Dialysis several times a week. Each time I dropped them off, I wondered about how they each must feel knowing that their kidneys were failing them. Being a diabetic I often think on those type of things for myself, like if something were to happen to my own kidneys, and such.

Now here I was hearing that my own biological mother was very sick and that she needed to do dialysis to continue living. her prognosis was very bad. They had told her that she needed a new kidney and that without one she would probably not survive for long. The dialysis was to sustain her enough to live, and filter all the bad things from her bladder. I was in sort of shock. I was worried for her and yet all I did was think about myself and how my life would be impacted without her in it.

Here she was my own mother and we had yet to build a life together. Everything was hanging in the balance and we looked like we would end before even really beginning, I know I should have thought  more about her and what she was going through the most, but that selfish me was trying to compartmentalized things. I think all of us are that way when faced with losing someone. We all wonder how our life will be after they are gone, if they die. We all want to cling onto things we maybe hadn’t done before or we want to say things to them that would ease our own minds.

I was that way to a certain extent.

My biological mom was not alone, she had her husband there with her, thank goodness. I think her having to do that without someone there would have been so scary for her, for anyone. She had 6 children and out of them I was the next to oldest. A part of me feared what role I would have to take, if any, should she not make it. Crazy how things like that run through your head. You know? I really should have kept hope before fear.

She pulled through the harsh dialysis treatments, she was a trooper. her husband told me it took almost all of her energy after doing one treatment. he said she was so tired and all she wanted to do was rest. I can see that. My clients after I picked them up from their treatments, were paler and quieter, and each one they endured, changed them in subtle ways. you could see from week to week how different it made them. It was hard to see, and even harder for me to know it was my mom going through that to.

My mom was not a diabetic like me, I guess it was just the luck of the draw that her kidneys stopped working for her. Maybe she didn’t know how to properly care for herself, by possibly not drinking enough water or eliminating quickly when she felt the urge to urinate. I had heard those things are necessary for over all kidney health. Maybe that was it. Who knows.

All I knew was that a person, my mom, was deathly sick and I wanted her to get better and be around so we could finally make a life together.

Needless to say my mom is not here anymore. I cannot say that dialysis shortened her life, but my own hunch says it did. She never fully recovered from those type of treatments. She had the valve in her arm that provided quick access to her veins etc for quick dialysis treatment. Her weight started dropping, her features started to change and her hair was more grey. It was hard watching that,

My fear that she would not be around long came true before she died I mailed her a letter, a big letter. I wanted to say somethings, express some things and let her know how I really felt about her. She had given me up to be adopted, and there was a lot of history there. I needed her to know that I had no hard feelings towards her, and that I loved her, that God loved her too. I told her how much she was thought of and how often I had dreamed of her. Things I should have got to say to her long before then.

Circumstances kept us apart. Things got in our way, as they often do. I made peace long ago, and wanted to give it to her too.

Don’t wait to let someone know your heart. Don’t be afraid to tell them what you want to. Life can go as quickly as it can come. It is not here forever. Show the people in your life, while you can, how much they mean to you. If there is someone you need to forgive, forgive them. Don’t hold onto things that cry so desperately to be set free.

MwsR <3

Thanks for reading!

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Thoughts/MOM

  1. Lovely, at least you had a chance to meet your Mum and it would be obvious to her how much you cared for her. Up until relatively recently it was really hard to find and meet your biofolks, thank god it’s easier now.
    I sometimes wish I’d met mine years ago and maybe things may have turned out differently. As it is they didn’t and I live with the what ifs all be it at the back of my mind.
    It’s a lovely piece thank you.

    • That is true. Thank you! I know all about those,”IFS” myself

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