Time does not change very much for me much when it comes to the relationships around me. Often I have tried to find some more meaning, purpose, and reason for the way things usually end up, have been, and so forth. As I get older I have been able to come to terms with very little with my manipulated, messed up family ties. See I never understood what is so wrong that it can’t be mended? What is so distorted that each of us cannot truly see? I am referring to my family, of course.
Let me lay some ground work into the background that I am trying to write about. I was adopted as an infant. I was not given to strangers but to my biological father’s sister. The circumstances behind and leading to this is one of those distorted, crooked, manipulated things I mentioned before. I wish I could go back in time and really get the low down on what happened during that time period, but for the sake of not hurting everyone’s feeling in my family, I will let that part go. I was raised in the home of my bio Aunt and her husband, my older ( bio cousin) sister, and my (bio cousin) brother. I know, it gets confusing. Easiest way to explain is my Aunt adopted me.
I remember bringing up the questions to my adopted mother, about where did I come from. I also remember that every time I did that, she would not take it very well. For the longest time I kept my questions very limited. I would refrain from them because I saw the way she looked at me and acted. I did not ever want her to think I was not grateful for her love, or that I wanted to go live with the “unknown” family. I remember many times as a teenager I was torn as to my own feelings of “something missing” and the fact that here I had this family I had been reared in and I frankly had such a battle that it near darn drove me insane. I felt so torn that I felt isolated and a burden to the family I now had. I also felt like no matter how much they said they loved me, they were not completely honest about that. I felt like little orphan Annie, no kidding. I know that sounds weird, after all I was not orphaned and lived with a family , doing the “family” thing.
I guess no one will ever understand the torment I felt. I wanted to know who I walked like, who I talked like, whose eyes I had, etc. I was in a position where my motives and questions were examined and meant to mean I was not happy where I was and that I wanted to go live with my biological family. That was not the reasons behind my curiosity, but I never could help the family I was living with to understand that. To them it was betrayal. It was not normal. In a way I understand their position that maybe it would mean those dreadful things, like I did not love them, want them, or like living with them, but then again, what did they think when adopting me? Did they honestly think I could be part of a family , that I never saw and was not allowed to be around, and not want to know? I was kept from certain family members because there was a conflict there, somewhere in the family line that said if I was adopted into another part of the family, then the old parts of the family were not to be around me, Say what! I know, is that not crazy messed up? So much between the lines, like I have stated.
So here I am this predicament and no one will tell me anything more than tidbits, pieces, and most certainly their own versions of the story behind my adoption. Now I am a teenager that is confused, hurt, and misplaced. I really think that bothered more than my own mother letting me be adopted out. The fact that I could never be around the connecting family members to my adoption, and the fact that the biological family, I did not get to know. Bad enough was that but I never saw one picture. All the pictures of things were hidden from me as well. I was clueless as to the vast enormity of the concealment to keep me in the dark. It was and still remains not right. I deserved to know things like any other kid who gets adopted. Especially since it was my own family line that adopted me.
Little by little these types of relationships, etc. affected me and still do today. I often think back to the many years that I could had of had a peaceful heart. Many times, many missed opportunities to actually feel a part of something. When a person is kept from those that are a part of them, they begin to change, to feel there is nothing more for their life. I struggle with “forever” in aspects of my life. Sometimes feeling so isolated and left out of the whole family. I see those around me that have experienced years of togetherness and I long for that.
My immediate family consists of three kids, a husband, and 3 grandkids. I have a cousin who was in my life before and after adoption, for whom I cherish. She has shown me that no matter what I was kept from when I was young, does not have to dictate my today and what I can have now. She taught me to look for my blessings in the here and now. She is an encourager and she is the best. Now that I am older, I try to do what she wants me to do and I try to hold onto the people, family, etc. I now have and the ones that want to be in my life.
Life is what we make of it. Our past does not define our future. Sure we carry lots of things around with us, like my search for love, belonging, purpose, etc. There is no doubt though, that life is what you take from and re-arrange some, and dispose of. It is the good times the bad times, the in between times and the knowledge you gain. Live your life with those you love around you, never stop questioning things, don’t stop believing and hoping in things.
Thanks for reading!