I was adopted and once had two mothers. Once thought I was loved beyond measure. Seems like neither one of them were unselfish enough to love me whole heartedly. I have since started a new life, with a family I love and cherish. I had to go forward in life and stop reaching behind into my past. I am without one mother , she died five years ago. I am without the other one because she chose her life , in denial, and running from things I reminded her of.
Although, I loved them both. I have had to remember that is not a reflection on me. That is not who I can and will be. I do not have to carry all that love and loss with me like a part of my soul. Sadly, it still bothers me. But I will continue in my journey of life, trying desperately to forgive myself for carrying all that guilt, shame, and loneliness. I am better because of my past. I am free to love, laugh, and live.
If you struggle with being rejected, or losing a life of love because of someone, or a loss of a parents love that you so desperately seek, I am sorry. It is not a pleasant thing to have to live down or get over. You have to keep going, keep loving, keep accepting love, because you are WORTH IT. Learn to forgive those people who have hurt you, move on. The best thing I did for myself was to love from a distance. Forgiveness came hard but I gave it, to them. I can say I love them and still be the me, I am.
I already post so much daily but I had something I needed to share.
I am adopted. Many things around that helped me to become who I am today. I know there ae many of you out there who have contemplated adopting and I would not want to discourage that by any means. I just want to talk about my story. I know there are many out there like me, who have a story different from the ones you hear. The television, books, and news make adoption out to be the best thing sometimes, and while that is the case for many, it is not for others.
I am not a “bash adoption person”, on the contrary…
If you can love someone completely, without bias or harm, then do it! Lots of children, and others need to be adopted. They need love, nurturing, caring and a stable home environment. If though you are seeking adoption for any other self satisfying urges, desires or fulfillment, or to be a “savior” to someone then you might want to think about it over again. No one wants someone to adopt them out of pity or because you feel like being a good Samaritan. They want actual caring, selfless people. Humans are and must not be an “agenda” for anyone seeking monetary praise. You are not here to necessarily “save” another individual. You might find you are the one who they save. Just saying.
I was adopted as an infant. I did not have my world turned upside down by being ripped out of the arms of my biological parents. I did not have a life where I was taken from the only family I had and given away to some orphanage. I was not found on a door step.
I was adopted by a family member. I was adopted in a court of law. I was too young to decide where I wanted to go and frankly I did not have a difficult time being placed in my relatives home. I was a baby! Some other people may not have had the same experiences as I but that is okay.
My biological father died before my adoption. He was fatally shot. He was in the wrong place at the wrong time. My biological mother was alone for the first time with two kids. She did not fair well with all that, let’s just say. She was not able to care for me and my sister. She had to leave me with my grandfather, and then I was adopted by my Aunt.
I never really understood the power of that dark period for my biological mother back then. I figured liked most she was taking the easy route. I figured she was being a sorry mother. I never fully understood how she must have felt back then. Now, I can somewhat see what she must of felt. Years I hated her, yet hate seems like a too strong of word for how I felt about her. I never saw her till I became an adult, and then it was like a lightbulb came on and I felt something I never knew I could, about her. She made me sad, she made me feel pity for her. I realized the first time I saw her, that she was actually a HUMAN…yeah, seems she was not one until I actually saw her.
I so hoped that first time, I would get all my answers answered, but I did not. wanted to hug her and hear about how much she missed me, but I did not hear that. I also thought we would get together and go to her house and she would show me her life and what all she did, but that never ever happened. I was standing before my own biological mother and felt more of a stranger than I did her own flesh and blood. I felt so out-of-place and awkward. Here, I had waited 23 years to see her, to talk to her, to hug her, to know her… They say parting is such sweet sorrow, but that day felt like terrible sorrow. I was happy to finally see her, and I was delighted to hear her voice, smell her perfume, and touch her skin. Sadly, I was wanting this instant connection, this simultaneous combustion. It was not there.
I was more at home in a hotel lobby than I felt with her. That was okay because I was determined for us to change all that.
Some times things do not go as we plan…sometimes they never will. We should expect the least from someone and we will never be disappointed.
I was finally face to face with this ICONIC figure in my life. Even though she was not an active participant in my life, that did not matter, she was. I found myself looking her up and down and studying her talk, studying her walk, and mannerisms. I was soaking all that up like a “sponge in water”.