A sense of sadness is in my soul. I do not know where to begin. I did not see myself this sad over the possibility of losing someone who caused me so much emotional damage. I had briefly entertained the thought, long ago, of this person meeting his maker. I had thought that should he have the chance he might come to me one day and ask for my forgiveness. I guess I was wrong to think that would happen. Sometimes, in life, things will stay the same, or they won’t change. As I age I see so much of what is wrong in this life. I see hurt feelings that never mend. I hear stories of people at their end, taking all their animosity or hate with them to their graves. I also see those who longed for better but never took the step to get there. Sadly I know of too much heartache and tears shed in the name of “ pride”.
This man who was supposed to protect me, love me, and help me, ruined my teenage years and my self-worth. He imposed his selfish ways upon me. He created a girl destined to fail at being confident and self assured. He led my head down a path I never thought it would go. Trailing behind it was my heart. It would spin out of control and dangle around my neck like a noose. I would almost have to die to be made whole again. Well, whole enough to see hope and love and joy.
So much of who I am came from this man. Not my courage, not my strength, actually nothing positive, that was all my own doing. From him every fear, every doubt, every self disturbing thought came. It came so hard that I thought it would finish me off. So why did I even allow myself the trouble of a one day reappearance that would give me closure and he would ask to be forgiven for it all? I don’t know. Perhaps hearing that he is in hospice was a nudge towards those thoughts. Perhaps I still believe in forgiveness and reconciliation of some things. Of course, I do!
Never have a read-up on how to deal with such an issue. I believe it is safe to say there are no outlines of how to correctly respond to such news. Hospice means that he is dying. It means he should make amends and make his last will. It means those around him should help him get his affairs in order. Yet, I feel no one can help his soul but God. No one can help him be forgiven. It is his own decision to do so. Maybe he is too sick to be coherent. Or maybe he can’t speak. There are a thousand scenarios of what his case might be. I guess I may never know.
Now I’m faced with letting it go, again. I need to let God handle it because frankly, I have so many emotions about it all. I would surely mess up things if I were on my own. I covet prayers for peace and understandings concerning this. If you would pray for his soul that would be much appreciated. I feel that God needs me to ask this. I feel that this is so much more than mine and his history. This is or was my father by adoption. He was put in my life. I may not know the reason why but I know he was.
My heart is torn, it is so sad. I wish for better days. I long for peace and if possible confirmation of his life had it been changed. Thank you all for reading.
Thoughts… Entirely based on a few people’s treatments of others.
Have you felt discouraged by someone’s comment or by the way they make you feel when you’re around them? Do you feel like they make jabs at you every time they speak to you? I know from experience that there are people like this. Sometimes I feel better not speaking to them at all. They think they know your situation enough to be condescending but they have no clue. It is hard to feel like you just never get good feelings from certain people. Maybe if people could empathize more and be less quick to pass judgments or be critical in their thinking of you….the WORLD WOULD BE A BETTER PLACE! Please quit being mean…harassing….and condescending….with others. You don’t know anything about their personal lives. Pass love not attitude.
My Thanksgiving wish has nothing to do with all the yummy food. Except that those who are hungry, that they will have some. My Thanksgiving wish has to do with all that we have around us, either in our hearts or in our presence. Thanksgiving is a wonderful time t o make memories with our loved ones and friends. It can also be terrible for those that are financially hurting or those families that bicker and fight. It can be hard trying to move on and look past mistakes and grievances but we all should try. No family is perfect, no matter how many lovely pictures and things they try to display or post about. No one family has it all together. There will be times that you dislike each other or maybe that you just don’t connect on the same basis. That is okay. I know with my family we have had our moments. The hardest thing to remember is, we are only humans. God did not make us divine or spotless, or even flawless. He made us each with our quirks. He inspired us though to be better than we can and to keep reaching to help others and understand others and love each other. Some people are missing from around our tables this year. Some may never have the chance to sit at our tables. Whatever it is know that you too are not alone. As for my house, we miss those we can not see again, or talk to during this season especially. I miss that I will never get to spend a Thanksgiving with my birth mom, except once. I miss my father-in-law and the company he frequented us with. There is my half-sister who is in jail, again, that won’t have a good Thanksgiving. I miss times in my life when I felt connected to each one I love. My Thanksgiving wish is that all of us look around and truly, TRULY, be happy for all we have. That maybe we can in turn help someone else who might need help and comforting. We all know someone! Holidays can be brutal, they can also be a time to reflect and be THANKFUL. I choose to be THANKFUL and pray for those who need courage or resources or whatever it may be to make it through another Holiday Season. If you have managed to sit through this post I am thankful for that too. Wishing you all a Happy Thanksgiving!
Feels embarrassed by the house they live in. Who wants to have friends over to visit but …they have to make reasons why they can’t have you over.
Wishes that they could afford to go on vacation with their group of friends but they don’t have the money so they have to come up with excuses.
Feels inferior to others because they always brag about what they have bought and about the next vacation they are going on. You’re feeling lower than better around them, so you avoid going anywhere with them.
So many people have so much going on in their lives. It is rarely black and white in terms of this. A lot of times there is a person who wants to go and do, who wants to have friends over but they simply feel embarrassed, stressed, broke, or left out because of circumstances they can’t manage. I bet we all have a person in our life that we know, going through “things” like this. Our failure as being a true friends is in letting distance and pride get in our way. We should never make another person feel inferior or that they bring nothing to the plate. They might not get to go on vacations or fix their house up or buy new things. That should not mean that directly or indirectly our actions or words should cause them to feel this way. Everybody wants to belong, feel loved, and that they are just as good as others. I encourage you if you have a friend that feels bad about themselves or something in their lives because they feel they’ll never measure up to you, please think about their reasons as to why they opt-out or hide, or make excuses . Not always but sometimes they have insecurities, perhaps feeling down, or are limited in what they want to do versus being able to. By me, MwsR