She smiled, to keep up the pretense
Though she herself felt sad and intense.
She walked, not into a new day
Yet she ran into chaos from every which way.
Her heart had let her down,
Still, her mind would not let her drown.
She cried, but not for letting others down
They were not the reasons she carried a frown.
She wished that she could just run away
Yet nothing made her demons stay at bay.
The dreams and wishes she once had
Now, they only make her sad.
She smiled to keep up the pretense
But what she needed was immense.
Why do we think there is always time?
What is it that makes us think we are free from death or separation?
It is a constant mind game that we allow ourselves to play.
The object is denial and the rules are not written.
Each one of us are individually creating a falsehood for ourselves.
By not choosing to be a realist, we become avoiders.
We avoid thinking the truth because frankly, the truth scares people.
It is a self created “bubble” we live within.
Choices are for players in our game.
It is us who determine which things we will choose to believe,
It is the lies that we tell ourselves that will inevitably lead to our capture.
There are no real winners, only players.
Each thing we bring to the game has it’s own place and purpose.
We can play the hand of “luck” or we can make sure to strategically place our heart somewhere, or our mind and soul.
It is a game that lasts forever, well until the game is destroyed from continuous play and action.
Self-worth and self-love are key instigators as to who will take the lead or who will fall behind.
If we are lucky enough along the way there will be other players that for lack of a clue, will inadvertently hand us the chance to surpass them.
On and on till either fate steps in or we can’t play any longer.
If you have no conscience you will more than likely gather your share of highlights or prizes through out, in the game. Only temporary they are though.
But if you have a conscience, that you keep at your side, you will struggle with the ultimate prize or in taking the lead.
Which one will you choose, which game player are you?
The hearts needs time
To let things go
I should know.
Never easy, but necessary
Escapable pain lets our hearts renew
You can do it, I believe it to be true.
Release and let it disperse
Help your heart start another beat
Think of it,as a treat.
Make, by MwsR
In making something, using all you are suppose to and mixing it well
Not really sure though ,if it is heaven or if it is hell.
Traces left behind that will never be used or dissipate,
That is the way it goes though when something is made.
Sometimes no matter how well we follow the directions or read ahead,
The remnants of life/it will still stay in our heads.
Like ingredients we choose everything well and as we should,
But life has a way of changing things around.
It surprisingly can come out like nothing we had thought,
Looking totally different whether we like it or not.
You can proceed with satisfaction
If you don’t expect a perfect situation.
We can choose to learn by it somehow
Or crumble in the process. Wow.
Easter, ah, the time when eggs get dyed, candy is given, and there is a big meal for the family…
Easter was one of the best holidays for Blue. She would get a new dress, a pair of new shoes, along with a new purse. Her mother would go all out for that holiday. At least during her younger years until her teenage years, this sort of ritual happened. She usually enjoyed all the relentless preparations for Sunday Easter service at her church. Every Easter you would see kids dressed up in their new clothes and things. It was part of the celebration of Easter when Christ rose from the dead and rose again. On this holiday, the church congregation would participate in the Last Supper. It was for those who were the age of accountability, meaning the ones who were old enough to be saved, know right from wrong, and so forth..
The Sunday service usually started with a sunrise sermon, which was always early on Easter Sunday, like around 7 a.m. The church people would gather outside and light candles while admiring the sunrise. This would be because it was in remembrance of Christ rising from the grave after being crucified. After that, they would go into the church and have an Easter message from the preacher about Easter, and followed by the Last Supper, or meeting around the altar, partaking of bread and juice. Those symbolized Christ’s body and his blood. A hard concept for a young person. Blue often visualized that kind of thing in her head. It not only made her squeamish but sad for all Christ went through.
After Sunday services, and as they headed home, Blue’s family would come together at her house. it seemed to be the family place where they shared holiday meals. Blue’s belly often growled because of the wonderful smells coming from the kitchen. It was probably the best food she had ever eaten. Usually, there was a big ham, potato salad, deviled eggs, slaw, sweet potatoes, and corn, followed with green bean casserole and so much more. Blue often snuck bites from things that were placed on the table, before anyone took notice. It was always delicious. One thing Blue knew, her family sure could cook. One day Blue knew she too would cook great.
After the meal, there was a period of just sitting and having conversations and checking out all the goodies given to her by the “Easter Bunny”, and then the great Easter egg hunt. it was fun finding all the colored Easter Eggs but Blue often wondered why this silly tradition even existed. What was the purpose for it all? Blue knew that Easter really was not about all that hubbub, but about Christ’s love and sacrifice for us. Blue never forgot what happened to Christ and she always tried to be thankful. Often, the Easter Bible Story was read, and she visualized the moments that led to it all.
Despite all the things that happened in her home, Blue still knew how much she had to be thankful for. She always prayed to be a good person and always tried to enjoy the good moments when she could. Not every day was bad for her, but sometimes all she had was the joy the good times gave her, that is why she remembered.
Remembering on the good things can push back the not so good times. Sometimes, that is all we have.
To be continued…
Blue never really understood why she was hurting someone’s feelings if she asked questions about where she came from and things of that nature. It just seemed natural that she would want to know the people who brought her into the world and gave her up for adoption. She was pretty sure if the tables were turned they would want to know too.
Never did it occur to her that the family who adopted her would wish to keep the information surrounding her adoption a secret. She was wanting to know who she walked like, who she talked like, whose eyes she inherited and so forth. Never did it cross her mind that that would be taken as a slight against the adopted family. She loved them and merely wanted to know simple things. She had always ben very inquisitive but mainly kept her questions to herself because she was always told, “Kids should be seen and not heard”, ugh. She never agreed with that, not one bit. After al it was her life she was inquiring about and she deserved her questions answered.
Her adopted family did not se things the same as her, though. They really got aggravated and angry or dismissive when she approached them, any of them. One way or the other she would get her answers and she knew just how to go about getting that done. She would sneak around the house where she knew her mother kept private things, or things of value. She would have to wait till she had time alone at her home or a time when left alone. She hidden her mother put things away and she knew exactly where she would go looking. She also knew if she ever got caught , there would be hell to pay. Not to mention, the opportunity might not come again.
So to plan her scavenging, she needed to know about what everyone in the household would be doing in the following days ahead. She wanted to do things sooner, rather than later, if she could. Anticipation was getting the best of her. She would take some glances of things while she pretended to do her chores, such as dusting. This would be the perfect coverup for her snooping. She was really betting that there was so much she would be able to find, especially in her mother’s chest of drawers. That would be her first place to look.
Why was it that the family thought she had no right to know anything about those who gave her life? She really just could not get that they kept the things most important to her, in their own minds. It was rightfully hers to know. Did they not believe that she could hurt to? That she had feelings that really mattered? Of course it was looking like they did not care to share. But that would al be taken care of son enough, doing it her way. Blue was determined, and she really could hurt too.
To be continued
Today was one of those gloomy, dreary days.
It had rained all dang day and Blue could not stand it. She had always hated days where it rained. This was because she could not go outside. If she couldn’t go outside, she could not imagine. If Blue wouldn’t use her imagination she felt sad. Blue had always been good at imagining. For as long as she could remember, the world she imagined in her head was and had been better than the real world. Today, it seemed like a lost cause.
As Blue got into doing her homework she found herself getting bored. The same old stuff every evening for homework. First, she did her spelling words and then read the chapters in her history book, followed with her answer and questions given by her teachers. She really thought most of this was just busy work. She wished she had something else to do besides homework but sadly, no. So Blue took her time this evening going all her assignments. She heard her mom and dad arguing and tried to eavesdrop in on what they were upset about. Usually, her dad would do a lot of shouting, slamming of cabinet doors, and stomping. Her mom usually was trying to explain or calm him down. This could sometimes last got minutes but mostly lasted for the rest of the evening. Her dad would low up then leave, and return later on and pick up where he left off at.
Usually, if the arguing was in the evening, supper was delayed and no one really ate together. That is if they came to eat. If her dad was angry her mom would leave the food out for him. This would be difficult because her mom would not eat and she and her brother would have to figure out what to fo., on their own. It created such a cloud of disdain that because of it, us kids would not even leave our rooms to get food. This made the nighttime hard, usually, Blue would do hungry she couldn’t sleep.
Well, this evening would be that way. Tonight Blue would go to bed without any supper. Not to mention, sadness at the fact her parents were so mad at each other. She never did catch ear of what it was they were arguing about. Probably something to do with the church. Who knows. Often her dad was mad and wouldn’t like her mom going to evening church services, but despite his feelings, her mom would still try to go. Blue kind of admired her mom’s tenacity. Although, mostly Blue did not understand her dad’s fight against her mom going. Blue just wished it would stop.
Blue found herself in this yucky day, yucky weather, hungry, and bored, and sad. So what did Blue do but lie in bed using her imagination? She found herself talking to God. With thunder and lightning from outside Blue’s room lit up with each strike of lightning which led Blue to use that in her talk with God. Blue asked God to answer her with thunder or a flash of lightning. Lightning stood for yes. Thunder stood for a no.
Now Blue was not sure if she would actually get God to go along with it but she was ready to try. After all, she had lots of questions. Some questions were about her parents. She would ask things like, ” Do they love me?”, or”Will they ever divorce?”. Blue just needed to know things. It was in her nature. Surely Hod understood it all. At least she hoped he would.
Blue always tried to get God’s answers that a way. All of her childhood she would seek his answers through a time of storms. She never really knew though if God liked it. Something’s she never asked of him. The one thing she did was, ”Can I be loved?”, God would answer her, but they never were answered the same. Somewhere in between her wants and needs she just needed to be loved. To Blue it was simple, either you did or you did not.
”Oh , if life were that simple! ”,she often thought.
To be continued…