MwsR Thoughts

A sense of sadness is in my soul. I do not know where to begin. I did not see myself this sad over the possibility of losing someone who caused me so much emotional damage. I had briefly entertained the thought, long ago, of this person meeting his maker. I had thought that should he have the chance he might come to me one day and ask for my forgiveness. I guess I was wrong to think that would happen. Sometimes, in life, things will stay the same, or they won’t change. As I age I see so much of what is wrong in this life. I see hurt feelings that never mend. I hear stories of people at their end, taking all their animosity or hate with them to their graves. I also see those who longed for better but never took the step to get there. Sadly I know of too much heartache and tears shed in the name of “ pride”.

This man who was supposed to protect me, love me, and help me, ruined my teenage years and my self-worth. He imposed his selfish ways upon me. He created a girl destined to fail at being confident and self assured. He led my head down a path I never thought it would go. Trailing behind it was my heart. It would spin out of control and dangle around my neck like a noose. I would almost have to die to be made whole again. Well, whole enough to see hope and love and joy.

So much of who I am came from this man. Not my courage, not my strength, actually nothing positive, that was all my own doing. From him every fear, every doubt, every self disturbing thought came. It came so hard that I thought it would finish me off. So why did I even allow myself the trouble of a one day reappearance that would give me closure and he would ask to be forgiven for it all? I don’t know. Perhaps hearing that he is in hospice was a nudge towards those thoughts. Perhaps I still believe in forgiveness and reconciliation of some things. Of course, I do!

Never have a read-up on how to deal with such an issue. I believe it is safe to say there are no outlines of how to correctly respond to such news. Hospice means that he is dying. It means he should make amends and make his last will. It means those around him should help him get his affairs in order. Yet, I feel no one can help his soul but God. No one can help him be forgiven. It is his own decision to do so. Maybe he is too sick to be coherent. Or maybe he can’t speak. There are a thousand scenarios of what his case might be. I guess I may never know.

Now I’m faced with letting it go, again. I need to let God handle it because frankly, I have so many emotions about it all. I would surely mess up things if I were on my own. I covet prayers for peace and understandings concerning this. If you would pray for his soul that would be much appreciated. I feel that God needs me to ask this. I feel that this is so much more than mine and his history. This is or was my father by adoption. He was put in my life. I may not know the reason why but I know he was.

My heart is torn, it is so sad. I wish for better days. I long for peace and if possible confirmation of his life had it been changed. Thank you all for reading.

MwsR 💔

MwsR Writings

Christmas Tears
By MwsR

One day she was going to decorate her house just like you see it done in magazines and movies…but not today. She just couldn’t get into the Christmas spirit. Today she found herself thinking of Christmas ‘s past. She felt the feelings she had felt before, today she remembered it all.
It’s easy to get swept up in holiday traditions but what if your holiday traditions were erased? Hers had been, she had to understand though that all was not lost. She needed to know that holidays were and could be so much more than tradition.
This year, this time, she needed to find the meaning behind,the traditions and gatherings.
See for her there was so much that life had changed for her, that she needed to gather what she could. She needed meaning not traditions to keep her going.
When she was a child everything was so exciting, she missed that feeling. Now that she grew older she longed for a trueness, a realism she didn’t get from all the holiday hustle and bustle, or from all the worrying over bills versus buying presents . Her world should be more. More than that she wanted everyone around her to be grateful.
Why should she struggle? Why couldn’t it look at easy as tv or movies, in that they all had smiles, presents , and cheer?
She really thought hard and tried to find something that she could internally use, use to feel better.
Alongside remembering past holidays, she remembered those who were no longer in her present, and she cried. She just sat there and felt the loss like it was happening there in that moment. She thought about the true meaning of Christmas and the sacrifice that people gave many years ago , where two parents that had a newborn that was despised by man, yet loved and awaited by millions. The sacrifice they made to make sure he was safe and cared for. They left their family, their homes and their own comforts.
Sometimes, she thought, one must give more than they ever will receive in return. Sometimes no matter where we have been we can still find a place to belong. It all is in our hearts and minds, she thought.
Her Christmas tears turned on her mind, but she found the strength to keep trying, to keep looking for the answers, but with a newness of heart.
Christmas tears , the ones shed so long ago in a manger, now in her own eyes…that made life seem more clearer around this time of year.
The lesson is life can bring you down but if you look,more than you think can be found.

All rights reserved.@MwsR2021

Poem

Alright by MwsR

Life and circumstances affect you, often taking your true sight
Your head must remember all of your might
A heart can break from endless banter
Things you’ve cared for now are shattered
All the echos of the things left unsaid
Conversations that you fast inside your head
Relentless “what if’s” make you feel a certain way
Sometimes things just replay
You’re not required to emulate the bold
Things will get hard to hold
That’s no surprise
You will fall and still rise
You’ve done things before, without making a plan
Time to rethink, man
In one pressing moment, maybe more
The one that had previously worked before
A short period or if needed, in more than a while
No one can judge the process, you are not on trial.
Learn to accept that you’ve made mistakes and move on
Life is shorter than it is long.
Grow old being enough, with yourself and despite others
Insist on and don’t resist, forgiveness for yourself
Even if you are the one that is forgiving
Try to go on, even if it is just by living
The world has enough players, so you be real
Just open up to yourself and feel.
That will help you heal

Remember, there isn’t a war when you won’t fight.
Alright?

All rights reserved. MwsR 2021