Blue• Storms

Today was one of those gloomy, dreary days.

It had rained all dang day and Blue could not stand it. She had always hated days where it rained. This was because she could not go outside. If she couldn’t go outside, she could not imagine. If Blue wouldn’t use her imagination she felt sad. Blue had always been good at imagining. For as long as she could remember, the world she imagined in her head was and had been better than the real world. Today, it seemed like a lost cause.

As Blue got into doing her homework she found herself getting bored. The same old stuff every evening for homework. First, she did her spelling words and then read the chapters in her history book, followed with her answer and questions given by her teachers. She really thought most of this was just busy work. She wished she had something else to do besides homework but sadly, no. So Blue took her time this evening going all her assignments. She heard her mom and dad arguing and tried to eavesdrop in on what they were upset about. Usually, her dad would do a lot of shouting, slamming of cabinet doors, and stomping. Her mom usually was trying to explain or calm him down. This could sometimes last got minutes but mostly lasted for the rest of the evening. Her dad would low up then leave, and return later on and pick up where he left off at.

Usually, if the arguing was in the evening, supper was delayed and no one really ate together. That is if they came to eat. If her dad was angry her mom would leave the food out for him. This would be difficult because her mom would not eat and she and her brother would have to figure out what to fo., on their own. It created such a cloud of disdain that because of it, us kids would not even leave our rooms to get food. This made the nighttime hard, usually, Blue would do hungry she couldn’t sleep.

Well, this evening would be that way. Tonight Blue would go to bed without any supper. Not to mention, sadness at the fact her parents were so mad at each other. She never did catch ear of what it was they were arguing about. Probably something to do with the church. Who knows. Often her dad was mad and wouldn’t like her mom going to evening church services, but despite his feelings, her mom would still try to go. Blue kind of admired her mom’s tenacity. Although, mostly Blue did not understand her dad’s fight against her mom going. Blue just wished it would stop.

Blue found herself in this yucky day, yucky weather, hungry, and bored, and sad. So what did Blue do but lie in bed using her imagination? She found herself talking to God. With thunder and lightning from outside Blue’s room lit up with each strike of lightning which led Blue to use that in her talk with God. Blue asked God to answer her with thunder or a flash of lightning. Lightning stood for yes. Thunder stood for a no.

Now Blue was not sure if she would actually get God to go along with it but she was ready to try. After all, she had lots of questions. Some questions were about her parents. She would ask things like, ” Do they love me?”, or”Will they ever divorce?”. Blue just needed to know things. It was in her nature. Surely Hod understood it all. At least she hoped he would.

Blue always tried to get God’s answers that a way. All of her childhood she would seek his answers through a time of storms. She never really knew though if God liked it. Something’s she never asked of him. The one thing she did was, ”Can I be loved?”, God would answer her, but they never were answered the same. Somewhere in between her wants and needs she just needed to be loved. To Blue it was simple, either you did or you did not.

”Oh , if life were that simple! ”,she often thought.

To be continued…

MwsR❤️

Category: Blue | LEAVE A COMMENT

Adoption/Holidays, hurt! Thoughts

I always have a hard time during the Holiday season. It is like someone found a knife that has been stuck inside me all my life and slowly they twist it, and it reminds me it is there… MwsR <3

If I can be honest with you, it is hard to imagine a holiday season that has not brought me equal shares of joy and pain. I have a lovely immediate family and you would think that they alone could heal my broken heart. Sadly, no  one ever can, not really. I am my own worst reminder of things that could have been…

We have all been there and done that. We can be our own worst enemies when that happens.

I hate having to “wish upon a star”, I want all the stars wish for me!!!!!!!!

I am tired of feeling lost, unconnected, forgotten, dismissed, and so forth. For me, it is in relation to my childhood and my adoption. I know that part, I really do. I have an issue with all of it, how I was deceived, lost, and well…not thought of. I should of had many years side by side with those that I so desperately searched for my whole young and young adult life.

This is just me, being as real as I can be!

So much time has passed, so many lies left unsolved, so many wrong decisions, and so little cherished moments. Sometimes I actually must be having a pity party for myself, because it feels so all-consuming and like I am a rat in a trap, with no way to ever escape.

I feel cheated, I feel lots of sorrow, lots of hurt. I may never truly heal from all the damage that those I looked to. to be my helpers and parents, and caregivers and such, have done. I am angry, sad and in a whole lot of confusion. I wish I knew why my life turned out into what it did, and why no one ever wanted me to know my birth family and why it was that others kept me from those who would go on to be a great part in who I am and became. Holidays remind me of that, all of that and more.

Holidays are definitely not for me to feel special or good , I have come to this conclusion. I must just accept that the past should stay past and I should move forward and without regret. EASIER SAID THAN DONE. I sometimes think, I could swap my life from someone else’s but what good would that be, I mean really. I do not know anyone I would want to switch lives with. I would not have my husband, kids the family I have now.

I guess I will try and quit whining. I have a good life, people that love me and a life that makes me better, want to do better, and helps me want to be a good person.

Moral of this story….”whining”

It is to make the most of every day you have been given and to go forward and not stay in the past. A person’s past can and often does make a prisoner of those who go there. Being adopted was not the worst thing in my life, and it really should of never been bad to begin with. It was though, and in living through it, moving through it and past it, I have some valuable lessons in the school of mankind. I take with me the ability to stay back in that hurt and pain or to help others move from their own. I can help others to feel that there is a way from all the past  mistakes, hurts, and grasps of those who seek to hurt us. We can empower others, ourselves and we can move into a beautiful place with our lives.

Holidays are such a reminder of things that could have been , for me… They do not have to be for you. I can take that memory and lay it down when I get tired, when I feel anxiety or pressure. I can take those feelings and place them at the feet of the one in whom I believe has the power to carry those burdens for me, his name is Jesus. He alone not any man, can help me, can help you and can help anyone who desperately seeks his help.

No I am not trying to force a religious view on you, or help you to accept Jesus, that i your own decision, you alone make that . But I am here to help others in what I do or do not write, what I say or do not say… You get the jest. Please do not let past things take your future joy, your future peace or your future.

Will Holidays always suck for me? Yes and NO. I can choose what to allow into my inner peace. So can you! See just typing this different outlook than I started out with.

Here is to a wonderful Holiday season for all and a remembrance of the strength you have inside yourself, and that it has always been there.

MwsR <3


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