Adoption/Holidays, hurt! Thoughts

I always have a hard time during the Holiday season. It is like someone found a knife that has been stuck inside me all my life and slowly they twist it, and it reminds me it is there… MwsR <3

If I can be honest with you, it is hard to imagine a holiday season that has not brought me equal shares of joy and pain. I have a lovely immediate family and you would think that they alone could heal my broken heart. Sadly, no  one ever can, not really. I am my own worst reminder of things that could have been…

We have all been there and done that. We can be our own worst enemies when that happens.

I hate having to “wish upon a star”, I want all the stars wish for me!!!!!!!!

I am tired of feeling lost, unconnected, forgotten, dismissed, and so forth. For me, it is in relation to my childhood and my adoption. I know that part, I really do. I have an issue with all of it, how I was deceived, lost, and well…not thought of. I should of had many years side by side with those that I so desperately searched for my whole young and young adult life.

This is just me, being as real as I can be!

So much time has passed, so many lies left unsolved, so many wrong decisions, and so little cherished moments. Sometimes I actually must be having a pity party for myself, because it feels so all-consuming and like I am a rat in a trap, with no way to ever escape.

I feel cheated, I feel lots of sorrow, lots of hurt. I may never truly heal from all the damage that those I looked to. to be my helpers and parents, and caregivers and such, have done. I am angry, sad and in a whole lot of confusion. I wish I knew why my life turned out into what it did, and why no one ever wanted me to know my birth family and why it was that others kept me from those who would go on to be a great part in who I am and became. Holidays remind me of that, all of that and more.

Holidays are definitely not for me to feel special or good , I have come to this conclusion. I must just accept that the past should stay past and I should move forward and without regret. EASIER SAID THAN DONE. I sometimes think, I could swap my life from someone else’s but what good would that be, I mean really. I do not know anyone I would want to switch lives with. I would not have my husband, kids the family I have now.

I guess I will try and quit whining. I have a good life, people that love me and a life that makes me better, want to do better, and helps me want to be a good person.

Moral of this story….”whining”

It is to make the most of every day you have been given and to go forward and not stay in the past. A person’s past can and often does make a prisoner of those who go there. Being adopted was not the worst thing in my life, and it really should of never been bad to begin with. It was though, and in living through it, moving through it and past it, I have some valuable lessons in the school of mankind. I take with me the ability to stay back in that hurt and pain or to help others move from their own. I can help others to feel that there is a way from all the past  mistakes, hurts, and grasps of those who seek to hurt us. We can empower others, ourselves and we can move into a beautiful place with our lives.

Holidays are such a reminder of things that could have been , for me… They do not have to be for you. I can take that memory and lay it down when I get tired, when I feel anxiety or pressure. I can take those feelings and place them at the feet of the one in whom I believe has the power to carry those burdens for me, his name is Jesus. He alone not any man, can help me, can help you and can help anyone who desperately seeks his help.

No I am not trying to force a religious view on you, or help you to accept Jesus, that i your own decision, you alone make that . But I am here to help others in what I do or do not write, what I say or do not say… You get the jest. Please do not let past things take your future joy, your future peace or your future.

Will Holidays always suck for me? Yes and NO. I can choose what to allow into my inner peace. So can you! See just typing this different outlook than I started out with.

Here is to a wonderful Holiday season for all and a remembrance of the strength you have inside yourself, and that it has always been there.

MwsR <3


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Just a kid…/Realism share

 

 

adorable baby beautiful child
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I was just a kid. I hurt the same as anyone else. I guess maybe more since a kid tries always to imagine a good world. A world where no one whispers in their ear how stupid and gullible they seem to be. A world where magic lies in wait around every thought in a pleasant kid’s dream. I never had much of those kinds of dreams, it would seem.

I often visualized unicorns and stuffed toys, real animals, and lots of fun. Seldom did I dream at night, of glorious things, I had too much fright. I often looked at my curtains and all the different designs they had. I would make out a figure or object from the designs. Sure that there was meaning in those things I picked out of the different designs. Actually thinking back, it was tricks of my mind. How you can see something that actually is not there, because you have imagination with a flair.

Sometimes at night I would cover myself from feet to head, with covers and stuffed animals I had on my bed. I hoped that whatever was out in the night, would leave me alone because I felt I was hidden. Sadly, I never was. I know that now as an adult looking at the life I had as a kid. As kids, we think we can hide from things, I guess that with me it was the same.

A kid should never have to worry about being hid, if they do then something is really wrong. In some cases, it is an active imagination that lends way to being scared. In other cases, it is a human being that actually frightens the kid in a un intentional way or a very intentional way. My case was the latter one.

It was simply not my fault that I felt afraid. Not my fault that I wanted to hide away. I was simply trying to be okay and stay that way. I did not trust in no other way, except what I create , to protect me. I just knew no adult would believe me. I was afraid to tell anyone how I felt, also I did not have the words with which to adequately say how I felt.

No one acted as if they could tell, not my present family members, not my church, not my friends or my teachers. I felt like the only person in the world who had a secret. I felt like my secret was one of shame. I often took upon myself the blame. It was not my fault, I see that now. I wish my adult self could have talked to my kid self. I would have warned her and shared with her that is something not her fault, something that should have been noticed, seen by others, and nothing self-taught.

I would had given her, my kid self, a big hug and tell her to tell. When she cried at night as much as she could, I would have wiped her tears and loved her. I would had stood right by her bed as she slept through the night, and in case she woke up with a heart full of fright. I would protect her, my kid self, I would love her like nobody else.

I deserved to be a kid, have kid dreams, have a kid fun-filled life. Instead I had nightmares that came in at night, and during the day. My nightmares came from those with two legs. I deserved to be loved and told I was actually fine the way I was. I deserved to be told that I was a blessing not a curse. I deserved lots of love and a safe place to be…I deserved it, I was a kid, you see.

This kid grew up and became like I am today. Too much hurt to bury, too little love to stay in that place. I separated myself and those I now love. This was an act of love not hate. I wanted to be free from that time in my life, it had changed and taken so much for me, I did not want to give it everything, I did what I had to do, I did not want to forever be ‘blue”.

I had to forgive, first and foremost to continue living in love. I took my power in doing that from Heaven above. I in my human state would had only lived with a bunch of hate. If someone has done you wrong and you cannot forgive them, you give them power over you. Forgive them, it is so hard to do, but you must. You deserve to be whole and you deserve to be loved. You deserve to love again. So forgive them, I know you can.

MwsR  <3

 

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