Blue~ How It Was

Growing up had its share of disappointments, challenges, problems, and pain. Blue was not regretting her life, for it had made her the person she became. She knew for in the trials, there were lessons, and sometimes things that allowed her to grow and helped her to arm herself. Her emotions back then were anything but peaceful. She had chaotic thoughts and stressful days. Seldom did she get to just “be”. When your back is against the wall, you learn how to just survive through moments, circumstances, and sometimes days that turn into years.

Grown-ups seldom see the impact that their actions and words have on their children or loved ones. That does not erase their impact. Here Blue had two parents, one she loved very much but could never please, and the other who she wanted so bad to love, but who was a wretched individual. It seems like she would never be truly whole with the love that those around her gave. Like all things living figure out, you still have to survive. You might not want to, you may not see how, but you never quit. The fight was always in her but the fight was not her. It had come to her and now she could only participate.

When you want so bad to live, to love, to hold on you will find that deeper strength. Sometimes it pans out and sometimes it stops. For Blue, life was only about how she could reinvent her life. It was not about just surviving or getting through something, she wanted to love and live. She also wanted her life to matter, before she lay a path she could fall onto or one she could take the lead.

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She knew her story should be told. She knew in her pain she could be related to and help others in the same predicament to feel not so alone. She knew in her strength others would find theirs. Her story had to be told. Those that were once childhood monsters needed not to become the stars in her story. When people do terrible and hurtful things, that impact others they should be brought out from their shadows. Their names are not as important as those that survive. They should never get their power back. Blue knew this now, maybe it so long ago, but now.

We might be given a bad life, because of the choices of those around us. We don’t ever have to settle. We can rise and walk out of whoever’s a life we choose. Some have to it easier, yes, but “where there is a will there is a way.” Never stop looking at how to improve your life! Never settle for disappointments and hurt. Always keep hope, always reinvent. There can be inner peace, an inner healing. Blue knew that. It took most of her life to figure it out, however.

Blue And School

Written by MwsR

The first day back at school was both exciting and mysterious for Blue. She wondered what it would be like. She had lots of things she pondered on, like who was going to be her teachers, would she like them, would any of her best buddies be in her same classes, and did she have enough supplies for school, etc. She was always allowed one day when her parents and her and her brother were off to the city to look for school supplies and back to school outfits for them to wear, a whole week worth too. Although, her family was not endowed with a lot of money, her parents make a special effort to at least get five whole outfits. To Blue who had long figured out something very useful, she made each outfit coordinate with the other. This gave Blue more outfits! Smart thinking.

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Blue would head out the door, to get in the family car, because they had to be driven by their parents. This was because it was a private school they attended , not public where school buses took the students to school. Her parents wanted her in a private Christian school. Although, Blue knew lots of public school students, from hanging out at the local mall or roller skating places. Private schools were smaller in size, smaller in ratios, and included things like Bible Class, and Awana Clubs, and Chapel services. You wouldn’t find that in the public school setting. The private school pledged allegiance every morning to the American flag, the Christian flag, and the Bible. Blue felt comfortable at her school and felt that she had the opportunity to make a difference with her talents, like music and singing. This school had an amazing choir, that went to compete in state competitions. Blue was always in choir.

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Blue looked forward to meeting her buddies again. The summertime break was far too long for her. She thrived amongst her close friends and loved being back around them. Not any of them knew much about Blue’s turmoiled home life, however. She felt if she was to tell them they would not want to be around her or ever do much with her. Her secret home life was just that, a secret. Blue played sports for her school. She loved the comradery and was happy to be in basketball, and volleyball, and she went on to be a cheerleader. After away games, the team would stop before returning home and eat at a restaurant or fast food place. This was always fun. At Blue’s house there was very little eating out. In her house, her mom cooked all the meals. Once in a while on a Saturday, Blue would be out with her mom and they would grab a burger. So eating out at different places was looked at as a treat.

School days lasted from 8am-3pm. Sometimes, Blue would get to school at 6;30 am because of her parent’s work schedules. She would sit in the cafeteria, where all the kids would conjugate until school started. Some of the kids would eat breakfast, and some would do homework from the night before, some would play games, and Blue mostly talked to her friends. When school let out for the day, Blue would be on the “playground” awaiting her parent’s arrival to take her home. Usually that was around 4 pm., an hour after school had been let out for the day. Those hours made for a very long day at school. Blue did not mind all that much, because time at school meant time with friends. Friends were what made school the best.

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The biggest decisions that Blue had to make was usually, what to wear to school the next day and what to eat at school. Usually things were predictable for Blue, when going to school and at school, she liked that. It was the unpredictable things that threw a “wrench” in her day, things like dealing with her parents, her brother, and her life. Certainly school had its challenges, but all in all, back to school was alright.

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Blue Needed You

Well, it had been some time since Blue had allowed herself to think about the family conflicts that she went through, growing up. She sometimes felt a tug in her heart, and then it seemed things would just start to flood her mind and come straight from her heart. Sometimes remembering was too painful, and yet other times it cleaned out her broken heart. When you are young it seems that the whole world has opportunity. You often allow yourself to dream and hope, because you believe in the good of people.

Blue knew that she had to keep hope in her heart. She knew that life without that would be meaningless and cruel. This day she felt so lonely. She hoped that those she trusted in enough to tell her story to, would believe her. She needed to know that her heart, her words mattered. Feeling this way often led to self pity. She knew she was not the only one in the world whose family had deserted them. She also knew that that despite it all, it could had been so very much worse. She had survived. She lived to tell her experience and she knew others would not survive or go on to lead a “normal” life.

Life was still precious to her. Here she was a young adult. She had some good memories, like walking in the garden with her grandmother and learning things from her. Things like that brought her back to the land of the living. She was battered and torn but she still was living. Each day brought a new set of circumstances, a new perspective, and a way to be “happy”. So much of her childhood was shadowed by her need to fit in, to belong, to be loved, to be treated right. Often she allowed herself to think of a day when her family would be apologetic and loving towards her. It was just thoughts in reality, and never has it come to be.

A person can spend their whole life wondering. They can rely on “what if’s” and” never really be “free.” Blue was no exception. She knew that along her way, she had once believed with her whole heart. She once allowed herself to trust completely in someone’s word. That was once, once upon a time. Now she was half trusting, half hearted believing, and seeking no more “what if’s”. Life just takes that away from you sometimes. It just leaves you half of what you used to be. It also gives you half dreams, half a person’s heart, and half of the happiness you deserve. You learn to half love, to share only half of yourself for fear of losing the half that you have of what is left inside.

Why would a person hurt someone that they were sent to protect and love? What inside a person causes them to act towards another in such a despicable way? Blue guessed she would never understand the reasons why her “father” treated her like an object of gratification. She would never understand how her tears were not enough to stop him in his tracts. Perhaps she was just vulnerable enough to be his prey. Maybe her heart made her weak. Why would her mother turn on her instead of help her? She did not understand what a mother’s love could do, until she , herself, became one. As a mother, she would never allow a man to hurt her children. It would take heaven or hell to stop her from hurting someone like that. Was her mother not a strong mother? Was Blue not enough to love and protect?

In a perfect world, Blue would never have to doubt her mother’s love and devotion to her. In a perfect world her “father” would only love her like a daughter, and her brother and sister would of been by her side. But this is not a perfect world, is it? Blue needed her mother. She needed her family. She needed a love that would last through her life. One that nothing else could replace. For now she will be the better example of what she needed for her own self and for her own family.

Blue~ Embarrassed

This day started as most ordinary days did. It was Saturday and Blue was home and outside. She loved the outdoors and it was perfectly sunny and warm. She had been busy gathering rocks that were all white in color. They had a graveled driveway and she loved finding the rocks that were white in color. She pretended that they were special and rare and worth a lot of money. Something though was different today. Today Blue was thinking about things. She was thinking about having to grow up. Here was some of what was on her mind.

As Blue reached her teenage years, she felt awkward in her own skin. She very much wanted to stay young at heart and do the young girl thing. She had noticed though that her friends were changing. They all were putting down their dolls and toys and acting different. She did not want to give up her dolls or her toys. She did not want to grown up too fast. She enjoyed the freedom of expression and fun that came with being young. No one expected her to now grown up things and she did not have even the slightest interest in grown up things. Why did things have to change? Why couldn’t she stay young for a long time?

Among things that started to change was her appearance. Her body was changing and it was changing without her permission. She saw things about herself that she did not fully comprehend. She saw her size changing. She noticed that her clothes were fitting differently. When she looked in the mirror she saw that she had hips and thighs. She had never even noticed such things before. She was also getting a grown woman’s chest. She did not like wearing bras. They were uncomfortable. She had been wearing them for sometime now. The kind that makes a young girl look smother in her blouses. The ones that people called training bras. Her mother told her to stay modest. So her mother had bought her a pack of three training bras to wear. Blue was really not into this whole growing up thing. She wanted to stay little.

About middle school age Blue was doing school P.E., she was playing sports and was required to change in the locker rooms. She hated this. There was a simple shower curtain in each shower. They were required to go into the shower unit, with others, and change into their P.E. clothes. Later after P.E. was over, they had to do the same thing again. This was very embarrassing for some of the girls an Blue felt that too. She often found herself in the shower unit changing and someone would go in or out of it and leave her exposed while changing. Sometimes there was some other girl looking for a peep of what was going on. Not because they were really interested but because it happens. Talk about being vulnerable. Here you are, a maturing teenager with multiple others surrounding you while you change and dress, This sure would be awkward and embarrassing for some. It was for Blue.

Blue tried to be modest always and changing in front of her peers was not something she enjoyed. Like she knew already she was turning into a young lady and she was feeling that embarrassment any way. Not to mention the confusion of having to dress in front of others. What if they laughed at her? What if they made fun of her, or talked about her? Many things to consider. Being a young lady was proving difficult. Blue was being reminded each day of how she was changing. Her days of being young were numbered.

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Blue and School

Today was the day Blue and her mom and her brother were going back to school shopping. Each year, their mom would take them to Belks, Kmart, and anywhere she could to get them both a week worth of clothes and shoes for school. Blue’s mom definitely liked Belks most of all. She seemed to find Blue dresses for her Christian school and nice dress shoes too. Blue’s brother would get shoes mostly and jeans. He went to the Christian school as she did and the boys were allowed to wear jeans. Girls however had to wear skirts or dresses.

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Blue thought it was terribly unfair but the school maintained that girls were to look like “little ladies” and they said God did not approve of them being dressed like a guy. Blue thought it all was non-sense. Blue’s mom did not mind the dress code one bit. Blue’s brother did not have to change his way of dressing and the only restriction was no worded t-shirts that supported any rock or pop or cigarette brands. This school was strict on enforcing this dress code, so much so they kept changes of clothes in case a student came to school dressed inappropriately.

Among the clothes that Blue got she was also allowed to get notebooks, paper, and other school supplies. Each year the list changed with whatever teacher she had or because of the different grade. She liked being able to get school supplies, it was neat and she could be as individual as she wanted. Blue’s mom was broke by the time she acquired all her school things. Blue lived in a middle class home and money was rarely an issue but when the sschool season came around, money was tighter than normal.

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Blue never went without things for her school. Her mom made sure of it. Blue and her brother had tuition dues to attend this school also. This school was private and there was fundraisers throughout the school year to help with the school’s expenses. Most of the parents played a big part in the fundraisers. Back then the parents usually work alongside others and worked long hours in a factory type setting. You could easily rack up a good amount of support with a fundraiser. Since Blue went to a private school, they ran different sales than the other public school systems and this ensured that Blue and her parents would be sure to sell stuff.

Each summer seemed to be shorter and shorter for Blue. She never felt like there was enough time to just frolic or enjoy summer vacation. Blue did like returning to school, however, just to see her friends and perhaps learn something new. Although Blue was not a straight-A student, she did her best mostly. Let’s just say she was good at getting by.

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School time…

New friends, new adventures, and perhaps something new to learn.

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    Blue~ Has A Friend, Too

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    Blue was rather quiet today. She sat mostly outside and just contemplated things. Today was warm and not too humid with a slight breeze blowing. In her thoughts, she was reminiscing on friends she had and those that were no longer her friends. The one girl in particular that was dominating her thoughts, was her friend Laura. Laura was rather tall for a girl of their age. She was quirky, to say the least. Her ways and demeanor earned her many a nickname from her classmates at their school. Blue liked all that about Laura, she often thought it made Laura special. Laura took it all in stride and really did not show that all the nicknames and teasing from her classmates, bothered her. With her pretty brown eyes, she would say so much, you only had to know her to know what she was saying. Blue knew her that way. They had long been friends, and there was very little each other did not know. So today, Laura was on Blue’s mind.

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    Blue was bored today and let her thoughts carry her off into a journey of memories and things. Laura was top on the thinking block. See, days ago Laura was teased so bad, her parents were called to come to pick her up from school. She had been on the playground at school and had taken a fall. Blue knew exactly what happened, she saw it all. There were several boys who were just bullies. They liked to call Laura names, a lot. They had gone a little too far this day and pushed Laura down. She fell against a sidewalk and skinned her knee bad enough she had to go to the emergency room to get stitches. The boys all were called to the principal’s office and they had detention issued as well as having to apologize and write letters to Laura and her parents. Laura’s parents were sad that Laura was picked on so much, and they were rather outspoken about it, to the principal. It was not the first time they had fussed about their daughter getting picked on.

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    Seems that nothing really changed for Laura when she returned the next day to school. Blue felt so bad for her friend and wanted to send a warning to those boys who were responsible. So at recess Blue had confronted those boys, who were not allowed to be within a foot of Laura, during recess, and she lit into them. She told them it was wrong to mistreat someone just because they were different. She told them that no matter how weird or different a person is to them, that they should just let them be. Laura saw this all from a distance and a faint smile was across her face as she watched. Blue was angry and with good reason, there was no sense in all this way of behaving. The boys all just stood there and listened to all Blue was telling them. it was as if they were actually re-thinking their actions. Blue spent the rest of recess comforting her friend and told her that she would always defend her and be there for her. Laura hugged Blue and the two felt a little bit stronger. They knew together they would be a force to be reckoned with. After all Blue had the strong will and Laura had all the things necessary to make a person laugh. What more could a person ask for?

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    Blue was looking at how her friend must have felt being picked on and then getting pushed and hurt. She determined that she would never be that kind of person, the one that hurt another because of their differences. So for the rest of that school year, Blue made it her mission to friend the weird, the different, and the lonely kids in her grade. She sat with them at lunch and played with them at recess. She lent them books, paper, pencils, and whatever she could when they did not have anything. She and her friend Laura were inseparable and they stayed friends up until her friend’s family moved away. She often thought of that one friend, Laura that changed her perspective on how others feel and get treated. Even in Blue’s adult life that one friend always crosses her mind. She reflects on those wonderful childhood days when she and Laura were friends.

    Blue finished up on her thoughts and ran into her house to look at pictures of her and Laura. “This day wasn’t so bad for her,” she thought. When you don’t feel alone when you have a purpose, a friendship like that, what more could you ask for?

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    Blue’s Story~ Garden Time!

    So much fun it was to do the “garden thing” with Blue’s grandmother. She always looked forward to going out into the garden and picking fresh vegetables to bring into the house and eat later, as her grandmother would prepare and cook them. Her grandmother always made the simplest things taste so very good. One of the best parts of spending time with her grandmother was eating her delicious food. Her favorite was her grandmother’s spaghetti and homemade French fries. Although, when it came to vegetables from the garden, her grandmother could make a great cucumber, with onions, salad, sometimes adding fresh “tommie toe” tomatoes.

    It was always funny to Blue to watch her grandmother get dressed to go into the garden. First she would put on long stretchy pants, which were to protect her legs from thorns, critters, and snakes. Then her grandmother insured that nothing could crawl up her pants by wearing long stockings, that had been cut to only extend to her knees, and that was to be tied up on her legs, so it would not slip off of her pants leg. She would also rub herself with this cream that she swore kept mosquitos from biting her. Blue tried to emulate her behaviors with my own clothing, and Blue really didn’t care about mosquitos back in that day, although she should of, since they left big itchy whelps on her.

    She learned that clothing and preparation was everything, to her grandmother, who could make going into the garden, like entering a fairyland of surprises and adventure. To Blue, it felt like she was leaving the world she lived in for a tad and walking into another one. Seeing the tallest corn stalks beaming with corn, and feeling the tips of plants hit her as she walked along inside the garden, made for a real creative imaginative time. Often times she found she had wandered too far from her grandmother, and she would have to call out to her grandmother so she could find her. Blue knew that her grandmother would be aggravated with that, interrupting her garden work, but she seemed to always find herself needing the help of some sort. She lost her concentration of the necessary things to do, a lot of the time,but she could not help it. Her imagination always got the better of her.

    While in the garden, she helped pick the ears of corn, remove dead leaves or leaves that were discolored. She also helped her grandmother carry a bucket with which to collect the harvest or vegetables. This was the hardest part. Often times she felt that the bucket was too hard to carry and would have to set it down for a while. Often, losing sight of her grandmother, once again. Blue really loved it though, despite some of its not so easy tasks. Blue felt as if she was helping and that really mattered to her. It mattered a lot. Her grandmother never fussed at her, and seemed to enjoy her company. Blue was just grateful for the time she spent with her grandmother and she made precious memories that would last forever.

    Seize, the opportunities you have been given. Cherish, the relationships you hold dear, as you go through life. It is from those relationships, you grow wiser and love better.


    Blue (from Blue’s thoughts)

    I know how it feels to be scared. I have spent most of my life being scared. I have felt like there was no-one to trust but many to fear. The ones who were suppose to help me and keep me safe, are the main ones responsible for the fear I have inside. I do cope, if you could say that. Sometimes I relive things and sometimes I imagine things . Using different scenarios I will let my own mind move through it all, until I see what lies at the end of that particular scenario. I have always felt like that is what keeps me from totally cracking or falling apart. If somehow I could imagine things and have myself deal with those imaginations, of worse case scenarios, I would be more prepared and equipped to deal with them should they become a reality. I guess.

    A lot of things have happened to me that only I know. As is the case with others, I’m sure. I remember lots of things but never really all in one sitting. The remembered parts of my life, come in segments , sometimes at different months, years, or days. Nothing really has to “set them off”. The thoughts of remembering, just happen when they want , usually. I don’t think anyone could really understand the way my life has truly felt for me. I doubt anyone has a decent clue, even. I have talked about things at various times and those listening will sometimes just nod. Sometimes, those listening to my stories, will comment on what I have told them. None listening or commenting really help me to feel better. In fact seeing their expressions make me feel more isolated, more misunderstood. It is a vicious cycle. I want others to know, to hear, to feel what I did, but how can they, really? Is it even possible?

    There has always been that voice inside my head that tells me, “Maybe you have made up half of the stuff you think or say has happened.” It eats away at my mind’s sanity. I mean it could be possible, couldn’t it? Then there is the pain and feelings I felt that flood into my everyday life, into my reasonings, my thoughts, my pain. That would have to be real, right? I mean I have seen or read about someone making up things that they truly believe has occurred or been done to them. They believe in what they have said and feel so much, perhaps they have unannounced to them, convinced themselves of something that is erroneous. I have no doubt that our minds are very powerful motivators for things we do and the actions we do as well.

    Why was I put in the life I find myself in? Why must I constantly doubt that true love is something I have, will have, or is even meant for me? I constantly doubt the sincerity of people’s actions, and I question their motives. This comes from the fatherly betrayal and from my own mother’s problems with me, and in dealing with her own life. I find it hard to let myself just relax and lean on another person. It is and has always been a long and strenuous journey for me to come to terms with. However, I must keep going through it, trying to understand it, and keep love in my heart. It would be so easy to not care for anyone, or even myself. I must constantly tell myself I am worthy of love, real love. I must also tell myself that there are genuine people out there with genuine feelings for me. I must never stop believing in faith and hope and charity. Never!


    Author’s note-

    My journey is not the most terrible one that has ever occurred. There are people that have experienced extreme treatments and hurts, and have had awful lives, at the hand of another person. I believe each person is different, feels things differently, and deals with things in a fashion that is appropriate for them. For me, my home life,, has it’s share of secrets, heartaches, and sadness. It is not however without good times, happiness, and love. This has always been my own story, my own life. Being Blue has been one of the hardest burden, to bear. I hope that one day I can help others, the way a few have helped me, by telling the story, so many live and know, as well. I hope in sharing my life that others will find the strength and the courage, for whatever battle they find themselves facing.