You held the power once, The very thing I needed you could not give me. The power you had was something nightmares were written about. It’s like you were possessed, definitely obsessed.
The effort you put into being a bad person should have clued you in… I was absolutely scared of you back then.
Each weekend went the same You were out to assert your will. I was an unwilling participant, but it did not matter. The hurt, the doubt, you cast my way, it crippled me. It showed me how in my adult world, not to be.
The effort you put into being a bad person should have clued you in… I used to be scared of you back then.
Now it seems life has reinvented itself for me. I am loved by some and that seems to keep me above the pull of your memories. I receive the love I dreamed of, to have from you back then. Stronger, I am. Hurt, I’ll always have.
The effort took for me to be a good person, now, should clue you in… I am not scared of you anymore, but perhaps you are the scared one, now.
Well, it had been some time since Blue had allowed herself to think about the family conflicts that she went through, growing up. She sometimes felt a tug in her heart, and then it seemed things would just start to flood her mind and come straight from her heart. Sometimes remembering was too painful, and yet other times it cleaned out her broken heart. When you are young it seems that the whole world has opportunity. You often allow yourself to dream and hope, because you believe in the good of people.
Blue knew that she had to keep hope in her heart. She knew that life without that would be meaningless and cruel. This day she felt so lonely. She hoped that those she trusted in enough to tell her story to, would believe her. She needed to know that her heart, her words mattered. Feeling this way often led to self pity. She knew she was not the only one in the world whose family had deserted them. She also knew that that despite it all, it could had been so very much worse. She had survived. She lived to tell her experience and she knew others would not survive or go on to lead a “normal” life.
Life was still precious to her. Here she was a young adult. She had some good memories, like walking in the garden with her grandmother and learning things from her. Things like that brought her back to the land of the living. She was battered and torn but she still was living. Each day brought a new set of circumstances, a new perspective, and a way to be “happy”. So much of her childhood was shadowed by her need to fit in, to belong, to be loved, to be treated right. Often she allowed herself to think of a day when her family would be apologetic and loving towards her. It was just thoughts in reality, and never has it come to be.
A person can spend their whole life wondering. They can rely on “what if’s” and” never really be “free.” Blue was no exception. She knew that along her way, she had once believed with her whole heart. She once allowed herself to trust completely in someone’s word. That was once, once upon a time. Now she was half trusting, half hearted believing, and seeking no more “what if’s”. Life just takes that away from you sometimes. It just leaves you half of what you used to be. It also gives you half dreams, half a person’s heart, and half of the happiness you deserve. You learn to half love, to share only half of yourself for fear of losing the half that you have of what is left inside.
Why would a person hurt someone that they were sent to protect and love? What inside a person causes them to act towards another in such a despicable way? Blue guessed she would never understand the reasons why her “father” treated her like an object of gratification. She would never understand how her tears were not enough to stop him in his tracts. Perhaps she was just vulnerable enough to be his prey. Maybe her heart made her weak. Why would her mother turn on her instead of help her? She did not understand what a mother’s love could do, until she , herself, became one. As a mother, she would never allow a man to hurt her children. It would take heaven or hell to stop her from hurting someone like that. Was her mother not a strong mother? Was Blue not enough to love and protect?
In a perfect world, Blue would never have to doubt her mother’s love and devotion to her. In a perfect world her “father” would only love her like a daughter, and her brother and sister would of been by her side. But this is not a perfect world, is it? Blue needed her mother. She needed her family. She needed a love that would last through her life. One that nothing else could replace. For now she will be the better example of what she needed for her own self and for her own family.