Tag: Abuse

Blue• Storms

Today was one of those gloomy, dreary days.

It had rained all dang day and Blue could not stand it. She had always hated days where it rained. This was because she could not go outside. If she couldn’t go outside, she could not imagine. If Blue wouldn’t use her imagination she felt sad. Blue had always been good at imagining. For as long as she could remember, the world she imagined in her head was and had been better than the real world. Today, it seemed like a lost cause.

As Blue got into doing her homework she found herself getting bored. The same old stuff every evening for homework. First, she did her spelling words and then read the chapters in her history book, followed with her answer and questions given by her teachers. She really thought most of this was just busy work. She wished she had something else to do besides homework but sadly, no. So Blue took her time this evening going all her assignments. She heard her mom and dad arguing and tried to eavesdrop in on what they were upset about. Usually, her dad would do a lot of shouting, slamming of cabinet doors, and stomping. Her mom usually was trying to explain or calm him down. This could sometimes last got minutes but mostly lasted for the rest of the evening. Her dad would low up then leave, and return later on and pick up where he left off at.

Usually, if the arguing was in the evening, supper was delayed and no one really ate together. That is if they came to eat. If her dad was angry her mom would leave the food out for him. This would be difficult because her mom would not eat and she and her brother would have to figure out what to fo., on their own. It created such a cloud of disdain that because of it, us kids would not even leave our rooms to get food. This made the nighttime hard, usually, Blue would do hungry she couldn’t sleep.

Well, this evening would be that way. Tonight Blue would go to bed without any supper. Not to mention, sadness at the fact her parents were so mad at each other. She never did catch ear of what it was they were arguing about. Probably something to do with the church. Who knows. Often her dad was mad and wouldn’t like her mom going to evening church services, but despite his feelings, her mom would still try to go. Blue kind of admired her mom’s tenacity. Although, mostly Blue did not understand her dad’s fight against her mom going. Blue just wished it would stop.

Blue found herself in this yucky day, yucky weather, hungry, and bored, and sad. So what did Blue do but lie in bed using her imagination? She found herself talking to God. With thunder and lightning from outside Blue’s room lit up with each strike of lightning which led Blue to use that in her talk with God. Blue asked God to answer her with thunder or a flash of lightning. Lightning stood for yes. Thunder stood for a no.

Now Blue was not sure if she would actually get God to go along with it but she was ready to try. After all, she had lots of questions. Some questions were about her parents. She would ask things like, ” Do they love me?”, or”Will they ever divorce?”. Blue just needed to know things. It was in her nature. Surely Hod understood it all. At least she hoped he would.

Blue always tried to get God’s answers that a way. All of her childhood she would seek his answers through a time of storms. She never really knew though if God liked it. Something’s she never asked of him. The one thing she did was, ”Can I be loved?”, God would answer her, but they never were answered the same. Somewhere in between her wants and needs she just needed to be loved. To Blue it was simple, either you did or you did not.

”Oh , if life were that simple! ”,she often thought.

To be continued…

MwsR❤️

Thank you for reading 🙂

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Thoughts… Emotional Abuse and such!

Personal opinion and thoughts are solely my own, mentioning of course, the use of other material in a point . My opinion is not for everyone and I understand and respect that. Please show the same courtesy! Thanks

 

I wanted to write today, on something. I am not really certain how to go about writing, though. As I browse down the list of posts on my WordPress reader option, I am taken back by some posts that bring things in my own life to the forefront.

Isn’t it odd how something you can see or read can cause many things to flood into your mind? I am concerned , not only today but everyday on the lives of others around our world. There is a lot of people missing out on life and living it to the fullest, me included. I see people walking around with so much on their plates, hearts, and minds. I constantly hear of tragedies and trials that await people, everywhere in our world. Personally it makes me sad. We have to be careful not to take upon our heart the troubles and sadness of others in a manner where it takes over and spills into our own lives. Sadly, it has trapped me some in knowing what those things have been  personally, for me, and replaying them while watching them play out, in others lives.

I hope you can follow me. My mind talks so fast, it is hard to put down into words as my fingers try to keep up. I am often concerned to no avail to, honestly. I cannot personally take care of everybody or their problems, and if I am honest, no one is asking me to.  Do you follow me? We cannot personally do everything we need to do, we are simply human.

 

Okay enough about the depressing thoughts of not being able to help solve everyone’s issues or being able to change things. 

 

I saw a post this morning about emotional abuse and it had me thinking… After reading the first part of my post, you probably already know I think. Hahaha. the emotional abuse post had me thinking on how people everywhere in any kind of relationship experiences emotional abuse on some level and in some way. So, It usually does not last long or cause substantial  damage, but if we were to think about it, it has more than not happened. So, what makes it abuse? I think it is when someone uses their motives, ways, words, etc., to  sway or move, or damage, or imprison another. If it causes the other person to feel less than desirable, un important, or damaged, it is abuse. Abuse is ugly and it usually has a keeper and a prisoner to it.

Emotional abuse is wrong, so if you are a victim or you see it happening, ask and seek out help. A lot of places stay anonymous and let you stay hidden enough that you can freely seek help.

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Living in a situation less than desirable is hard enough, but living without love and acceptance is a hard “pill” to swallow.


So,

With all that being posted, “thank God”I am free to think on other things. I really let things dwell deep into my soul. I felt I needed to post about that. Perhaps someone reading this has been there, is there, or like me, struggles everyday to release their selves from past abuse.


Did you know…that by writing posts, or what have you’ s that you directly and indirectly influence another’s life? You DO.

 


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Please be good to others, please be kind to yourselves!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We get this one lifetime to do good, use it wisely.  

I shall see you this side of the RAINBOW!!!
MwsR <3

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Thank you for reading 🙂

Just a kid…/Realism share

 

 

adorable baby beautiful child
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I was just a kid. I hurt the same as anyone else. I guess maybe more since a kid tries always to imagine a good world. A world where no one whispers in their ear how stupid and gullible they seem to be. A world where magic lies in wait around every thought in a pleasant kid’s dream. I never had much of those kinds of dreams, it would seem.

I often visualized unicorns and stuffed toys, real animals, and lots of fun. Seldom did I dream at night, of glorious things, I had too much fright. I often looked at my curtains and all the different designs they had. I would make out a figure or object from the designs. Sure that there was meaning in those things I picked out of the different designs. Actually thinking back, it was tricks of my mind. How you can see something that actually is not there, because you have imagination with a flair.

Sometimes at night I would cover myself from feet to head, with covers and stuffed animals I had on my bed. I hoped that whatever was out in the night, would leave me alone because I felt I was hidden. Sadly, I never was. I know that now as an adult looking at the life I had as a kid. As kids, we think we can hide from things, I guess that with me it was the same.

A kid should never have to worry about being hid, if they do then something is really wrong. In some cases, it is an active imagination that lends way to being scared. In other cases, it is a human being that actually frightens the kid in a un intentional way or a very intentional way. My case was the latter one.

It was simply not my fault that I felt afraid. Not my fault that I wanted to hide away. I was simply trying to be okay and stay that way. I did not trust in no other way, except what I create , to protect me. I just knew no adult would believe me. I was afraid to tell anyone how I felt, also I did not have the words with which to adequately say how I felt.

No one acted as if they could tell, not my present family members, not my church, not my friends or my teachers. I felt like the only person in the world who had a secret. I felt like my secret was one of shame. I often took upon myself the blame. It was not my fault, I see that now. I wish my adult self could have talked to my kid self. I would have warned her and shared with her that is something not her fault, something that should have been noticed, seen by others, and nothing self-taught.

I would had given her, my kid self, a big hug and tell her to tell. When she cried at night as much as she could, I would have wiped her tears and loved her. I would had stood right by her bed as she slept through the night, and in case she woke up with a heart full of fright. I would protect her, my kid self, I would love her like nobody else.

I deserved to be a kid, have kid dreams, have a kid fun-filled life. Instead I had nightmares that came in at night, and during the day. My nightmares came from those with two legs. I deserved to be loved and told I was actually fine the way I was. I deserved to be told that I was a blessing not a curse. I deserved lots of love and a safe place to be…I deserved it, I was a kid, you see.

This kid grew up and became like I am today. Too much hurt to bury, too little love to stay in that place. I separated myself and those I now love. This was an act of love not hate. I wanted to be free from that time in my life, it had changed and taken so much for me, I did not want to give it everything, I did what I had to do, I did not want to forever be ‘blue”.

I had to forgive, first and foremost to continue living in love. I took my power in doing that from Heaven above. I in my human state would had only lived with a bunch of hate. If someone has done you wrong and you cannot forgive them, you give them power over you. Forgive them, it is so hard to do, but you must. You deserve to be whole and you deserve to be loved. You deserve to love again. So forgive them, I know you can.

MwsR  <3

 

Thank you for reading 🙂

Imagine/Poem By MwsR

macro photography of bee
Photo by Voicu Oara on Pexels.com

Imagine you are just shy of turning 13

You are thinking of things you want to get for your birthday that’s coming up

A certain someone comes to you one hot summer day

They express that they like the way that you look

Explaining that you are beautiful and fill your sun suit  just right.

You feel weird inside,

Something in those words make you queasy

You feel a sense of running away.

Inside your head you are crying in fear

You know what he meant when he said what he said.

 

Imagine having to hide from your parent

Wishing they would go and never come back

The way that they talked to you, every move that they took

Made you so sick, you wanted to puke.

The torment you feel for being a female

For having grown up from an adolescent child

The unfairness of the whole thing

The wanting to tell someone but fearing the outcome

Wanting to disfigure yourself so you would look ugly

Because then he would be interested.

 

Imagine having to tell a person goodnight in the dark

Not having any way of escaping the grabs, the touches

Having to show respect to someone who should have none.

Being alone in a pitch black room,

Hoping he would fall asleep soon.

Screaming in your head while you approach him in his bedroom.

It was too horrible to explain

Too demeaning and hurtful in every way.

My abstinence helped me

Kept that ultimate stain away

But the efforts that he made towards me,

Have left me permanently “blind”.

 

Imagine being the only one who believed you,

Who helped you and did not give up on you.

That was me, myself and I.

I kept myself whole physically,

Although matters of my heart were damaged.

It is a terrible place to be

A place with so much vulnerability.

Never again,

At least not with me

That type of sin will not touch my heart again.

 

Imagine a world where things are as they should be

Where a person loves another in the right ways

Where no one gets hurt, no deed goes unpunished

Everyone can have total control of their life.

That is a world I want to live in,

A world where a kid can be a kid

Where everyone is loved genuinely.


Thank you for reading 🙂