Trancing me as you do Making me wish to be talking to you Like toast that is nothing without the spread Or moments that keep replaying in my head. Starting and stopping and pausing a lot Walking back into the past is something I cannot. Gone, like the black and white tv shows But still a time that everyone knows. Echos of our past and wishing that it would have last. Why can we not have the present, with the past, without complication? Maybe it is because it causes a difficult situation. Possibly it is a learning thing Maybe it is just all the memories it should bring. I cannot answer this or know this But oh what a predicament it is! Somewhere in my dreams, You will always beam Even if it isn’t in my now But only in the how.
If you’ve ever awoken with a dream on your mind Thinking that your real-world ain’t fine Then you can understand a little of mine. If the thought of something keeps foremost in your thoughts and dreams Then it’s time to re-evaluate things. If you do you’ll see what it brings. Time is not an indicator of a change Its how you use your time, the little that remains. That way, in the end, nothing leaves a permanent stain. Dreams can be indicators maybe of problems in your real life They can help to open your eyes. Maybe for you, it’s as simple as using a knife. Others though don’t look at it all that wise They think dreams are lies. They fail to see between the lines. I believe sometimes God gives us dreams Helps us to look at different ways of things Sort of, like him carrying us on his wings.
She smiled, to keep up the pretense Though she herself felt sad and intense. She walked, not into a new day Yet she ran into chaos from every which way. Her heart had let her down, Still, her mind would not let her drown. She cried, but not for letting others down They were not the reasons she carried a frown. She wished that she could just run away Yet nothing made her demons stay at bay. The dreams and wishes she once had Now, they only make her sad. She smiled to keep up the pretense But what she needed was immense.
I was just a kid. I hurt the same as anyone else. I guess maybe more since a kid tries always to imagine a good world. A world where no one whispers in their ear how stupid and gullible they seem to be. A world where magic lies in wait around every thought in a pleasant kid’s dream. I never had much of those kinds of dreams, it would seem.
I often visualized unicorns and stuffed toys, real animals, and lots of fun. Seldom did I dream at night, of glorious things, I had too much fright. I often looked at my curtains and all the different designs they had. I would make out a figure or object from the designs. Sure that there was meaning in those things I picked out of the different designs. Actually thinking back, it was tricks of my mind. How you can see something that actually is not there, because you have imagination with a flair.
Sometimes at night I would cover myself from feet to head, with covers and stuffed animals I had on my bed. I hoped that whatever was out in the night, would leave me alone because I felt I was hidden. Sadly, I never was. I know that now as an adult looking at the life I had as a kid. As kids, we think we can hide from things, I guess that with me it was the same.
A kid should never have to worry about being hid, if they do then something is really wrong. In some cases, it is an active imagination that lends way to being scared. In other cases, it is a human being that actually frightens the kid in a un intentional way or a very intentional way. My case was the latter one.
It was simply not my fault that I felt afraid. Not my fault that I wanted to hide away. I was simply trying to be okay and stay that way. I did not trust in no other way, except what I create , to protect me. I just knew no adult would believe me. I was afraid to tell anyone how I felt, also I did not have the words with which to adequately say how I felt.
No one acted as if they could tell, not my present family members, not my church, not my friends or my teachers. I felt like the only person in the world who had a secret. I felt like my secret was one of shame. I often took upon myself the blame. It was not my fault, I see that now. I wish my adult self could have talked to my kid self. I would have warned her and shared with her that is something not her fault, something that should have been noticed, seen by others, and nothing self-taught.
I would had given her, my kid self, a big hug and tell her to tell. When she cried at night as much as she could, I would have wiped her tears and loved her. I would had stood right by her bed as she slept through the night, and in case she woke up with a heart full of fright. I would protect her, my kid self, I would love her like nobody else.
I deserved to be a kid, have kid dreams, have a kid fun-filled life. Instead I had nightmares that came in at night, and during the day. My nightmares came from those with two legs. I deserved to be loved and told I was actually fine the way I was. I deserved to be told that I was a blessing not a curse. I deserved lots of love and a safe place to be…I deserved it, I was a kid, you see.
This kid grew up and became like I am today. Too much hurt to bury, too little love to stay in that place. I separated myself and those I now love. This was an act of love not hate. I wanted to be free from that time in my life, it had changed and taken so much for me, I did not want to give it everything, I did what I had to do, I did not want to forever be ‘blue”.
I had to forgive, first and foremost to continue living in love. I took my power in doing that from Heaven above. I in my human state would had only lived with a bunch of hate. If someone has done you wrong and you cannot forgive them, you give them power over you. Forgive them, it is so hard to do, but you must. You deserve to be whole and you deserve to be loved. You deserve to love again. So forgive them, I know you can.