As a writer of the heart and such things, I find that today I am at a loss as to what I should write. I find myself in a void of thought that myself cannot fill. I am just going to start writing and let what comes out spill.
I am the second born in a family with six children. I am one of four girls born to the same mother. I have two brothers born from the same mother, also.
None of us have grew up in the same household except my three younger siblings. Sure, some have been in the same area or home with another, on and off. My mother had six children, four girls and two boys. She has since passed away and in a few short years, I have been able to get to know more of my family and their lives. I searched for many years for the one sister I will refer to as W. She lived an hour and some from me and although we never met aside from our mother’s funeral, we have enjoyed chats here and there on the phone. I just lost my sister W today.
I will not say that any of us are really close, except maybe the three that grew up together. I would like to say that my older sister, the oldest, her and I share the same father and mother. We are just a few years apart in age and we both grew up differently and apart. I love my siblings and it does not matter to me that they and I were not together all our lives. I am the second oldest. In writing that, I feel a sense of obligation to our family, as far as being a support. Although ,I have not mastered that as of this moment, I feel that everything has a purpose and my being the second born definitely gives me one with which I hope to know one day.
It is possible to be from two different worlds and feel a bond, a connection with someone. I am living proof of this. I am an empath and to deny that I care and have strong feelings for others would make me a liar of sorts, to my own identity. It is in my nature to care for others, even those who do not necessarily care about me. I also write this, as not to toot my own horn, but to explain why things bother me on a deeper level than say, most people. Since I can remember, I have struggled to belong somewhere, and know that I was loved. My husband said it best when he said, “You have separation anxieties.” I do, I really do. So perhaps, I cling a little more, hold on a little tighter, and push myself sometimes into others life, that I love and care about. It is a true and most honest thing I just wrote.
I feel like sometimes there is not enough empathy around. People are so selfish by nature and they really don’t mean to be selfish, but come out to others, as just that. People try to preserve their own selves from hurt and pain and they do what comes natural to them and sometimes they end up with a worse than before situation. We all need or want someone’s approval, love, or otherwise. We are not here on this big old planet alone, now are we?
I feel that in writing some about our feelings, or what I am feeling today, I will be more apt to deal with the days following today, when I shall say goodbye for one last time to a sister that was born into my family. A sister that I will miss getting to know better, miss getting to love, and miss getting to help. A sister that by all accounts, is in my heart of hearts, and will be till I myself, die.
I hope she is walking with angels and I hope she is finally the happiest she has ever been. I wish peace for her close and dear loved ones and until the life is over for us all, I hope everyone has a chance to live and be happy.
Until next time, on this here, side of the rainbow, I bid you adieu.