MwsR Thoughts

A sense of sadness is in my soul. I do not know where to begin. I did not see myself this sad over the possibility of losing someone who caused me so much emotional damage. I had briefly entertained the thought, long ago, of this person meeting his maker. I had thought that should he have the chance he might come to me one day and ask for my forgiveness. I guess I was wrong to think that would happen. Sometimes, in life, things will stay the same, or they won’t change. As I age I see so much of what is wrong in this life. I see hurt feelings that never mend. I hear stories of people at their end, taking all their animosity or hate with them to their graves. I also see those who longed for better but never took the step to get there. Sadly I know of too much heartache and tears shed in the name of “ pride”.

This man who was supposed to protect me, love me, and help me, ruined my teenage years and my self-worth. He imposed his selfish ways upon me. He created a girl destined to fail at being confident and self assured. He led my head down a path I never thought it would go. Trailing behind it was my heart. It would spin out of control and dangle around my neck like a noose. I would almost have to die to be made whole again. Well, whole enough to see hope and love and joy.

So much of who I am came from this man. Not my courage, not my strength, actually nothing positive, that was all my own doing. From him every fear, every doubt, every self disturbing thought came. It came so hard that I thought it would finish me off. So why did I even allow myself the trouble of a one day reappearance that would give me closure and he would ask to be forgiven for it all? I don’t know. Perhaps hearing that he is in hospice was a nudge towards those thoughts. Perhaps I still believe in forgiveness and reconciliation of some things. Of course, I do!

Never have a read-up on how to deal with such an issue. I believe it is safe to say there are no outlines of how to correctly respond to such news. Hospice means that he is dying. It means he should make amends and make his last will. It means those around him should help him get his affairs in order. Yet, I feel no one can help his soul but God. No one can help him be forgiven. It is his own decision to do so. Maybe he is too sick to be coherent. Or maybe he can’t speak. There are a thousand scenarios of what his case might be. I guess I may never know.

Now I’m faced with letting it go, again. I need to let God handle it because frankly, I have so many emotions about it all. I would surely mess up things if I were on my own. I covet prayers for peace and understandings concerning this. If you would pray for his soul that would be much appreciated. I feel that God needs me to ask this. I feel that this is so much more than mine and his history. This is or was my father by adoption. He was put in my life. I may not know the reason why but I know he was.

My heart is torn, it is so sad. I wish for better days. I long for peace and if possible confirmation of his life had it been changed. Thank you all for reading.

MwsR 💔

Thoughts

Hey all!

I have so much coming at me this coming two months. August, I am homeschooling my grandkids, holding a baby shower for my daughter who is carrying my fourth grandkid, a little boy. I am also going to Wisconsin for seven days, and in September, I am expecting my fourth grandkid, and having to go to New York. Busy for sure, but yet I am fortunate that it is a little separated in times, that all of that, is going on.

I was thinking about a friend of mine that lost her son recently, and another friend who is fighting cancer for the second time, and yet another friend who lost her father this week. It is difficult when tragedies come our way. I have such respect for those who deal with tragedies gracefully and still have the outlook that there is still much to be thankful for in their lives. I am not sure how they do that, honestly, looking at their situations. What I do know is I hope to have that same outlook should the tables turn towards me.

Sadness, death, and heartache are all part of being human and for the living. We should try always to see the good despite all the bad. Hopefully each one of us will have enough strength to. I think all the bad makes the other stuff look really better, Perhaps that is why we have to endure such things, so we can see the good. What do you think?

I will leave you with these verses

A Time for Everything

Ecclesiastes 3

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

    a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
    a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
    a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
    a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
    a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
    a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
    a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

What do workers gain from their toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. 13 That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.

15 Whatever is has already been,
    and what will be has been before;
    and God will call the past to account.[b]

16 And I saw something else under the sun:

In the place of judgment—wickedness was there,
    in the place of justice—wickedness was there.

17 I said to myself,

“God will bring into judgment
    both the righteous and the wicked,
for there will be a time for every activity,
    a time to judge every deed.”

18 I also said to myself, “As for humans, God tests them so that they may see that they are like the animals. 19 Surely the fate of human beings is like that of the animals; the same fate awaits them both: As one dies, so dies the other. All have the same breath[c]; humans have no advantage over animals. Everything is meaningless. 20 All go to the same place; all come from dust, and to dust all return. 21 Who knows if the human spirit rises upward and if the spirit of the animal goes down into the earth?”

22 So I saw that there is nothing better for a person than to enjoy their work, because that is their lot. For who can bring them to see what will happen after them?

Image result for rainbow

I shall see you on this side of the rainbow~!

Rain And Death

Today it’s raining where I am at. Not a bad rainy day until I heard about an acquaintance dying. I have always thought of a rainy day, in congruence with God crying. It also seems like when someone has passed that I know, more often than not, it is raining. Not every time someone does but it happens.

Have you ever thought of anything like that? Like God works in mysterious ways? I have and I know others do too. It just seems natural that an omnipotent, omniscient, God who can see everything and know everything, that he would express himself through nature.

Today when I heard of that acquaintance passing I felt sadness for her family. She has two sons and countless others she ”mothered” in her lifetime. It is a sad thing. The rain made it affect me more. I think of rain as not cheerful or fun. Oftentimes it bums me out. So after I said prayers for her family, the rain stopped. Amazing huh? Perhaps. It could have been just a coincidence or more.

It since has started back raining. I feel sadness for this lady’s family. I heard that she knew her heavenly father which should provide some peace for her loved ones. You never really know who might just be touched by her death. Perhaps those who knew her might become better people because of knowing her. It is something one could only wish that their life would be, a good impact for another.

So, I shared some of my days with you. I hope that you all try your best to be a good person and leave behind a legacy that is honorable and meaningful for your loved ones.

I shall see you all on this side of the rainbow!!!!🌈

MwsR

Presence, poem

I have visited your grave, many times

Not in actuality but in my mind.

Seeing the graveside flowers, and studying them so

The people in the photos, the ones I know

Sometimes, we don’t actually have to be present

To feel such a presence.

Life went on without you in it

People adapted, things changed, from it

But something for me was magnified,

I never realized it, and how it applied

Here I was mourning the chance of never meeting you

Yet I did, it is true

I was held by you, once

I was loved by you, and heard your voice

No, it did not last for my lifetime, but it did in yours.

You once held my hand,

Heard me cry,

I have struggled with this, I don’t know just why.

You knew me, I knew you not

I have such a huge heart knot

I will wish until my dying days

To had known you, in all ways.

Until then, I will revisit your grave

The one in photos, the place where you lay.

Studying the people and flowers so

Sometimes, we do not have to be present

To feel someone’s presence.

MwsR ❤

Poem

TODAY

Today…years ago

My mom died

I cried

They tried

Today…

I am sad

Others feel bad

There’s some mad

Today…

Life changed

Funeral was arranged

Others acted strange

Today…

Life as I knew was forever changed

Others feels my pain

Memories remain.

MwsR >3


MwsR writings

I think that this past week has taught me a lot about others, and myself. 

I went to see my dying sister and it was an image I think I will never shake from my mind. Seems like time was not on her side but allowed her to be around to say her farewells to her loved ones, which is way more than what others get. I am glad she had that time. I am glad I had that time to say goodbye to her. She was a rather comical sister. She laughed and loved to make others laugh. I saw glimpses of that when I went to visit her. That brought some comfort to the situation, to know she could still joke and be comical, facing the end of her life.

Sometimes funerals and saying goodbyes to a dear one is more for those saying goodbye than for those that are passing on from this life. It is those who pas away suddenly and most  unexpectantly that are hardest , I think, to bear. We do not get to say our final blessings or what have you to those who pass without warning. It is hard to live with sometimes, and it can cause such pain.

This past weekend was the service for my sister. It was wall to wall with people , some standing for lack of seats and some that stood in the door way area. It was amazing to see how many people came to say their farewells. Everyone had words of love and fond remembrance of my sister. I saw two pictures of her when she was much younger. It was uncanny at resemblances of her and I heard from several people how I looked like her, and it was bittersweet.

I think what I learned most was that people have a hard time with death and while others don’t, there is still the fear of the unknown after we leave here. I saw and heard from people who regretted not having more time and others who wished things had have been different for their relationship with my sister. I learned that we as humans have a hard time letting go. I know that we as humans, cling to things and have a fear of living a life outside of our pain. Sometimes, we try to punish ourselves by staying in a constant mourning, so to speak, and we will not let ourselves truly carry on with our own lives.

Sometimes, life can sink right down into our very soul and in doing so, we cannot ever truly free ourselves of things like remorse, guilt, tragedy, terrible times, hard times, and things that were not pleasant. We have to , you hear me, we have to! We are not meant to carry every single thing that we regret or have done wrong or that has happened in our life on our own shoulders and especially things that connect to our soul. It is impossible to live our lives in a SHADOW of who and what we were meant to be. We must forgive our past judgements, mistakes, regrets, and lack of’s. We are human and we will not always do things the right way, say all there needs to be said , or even treat people the way they should be treated, no matter how hard we try.

What I took away with me from this terrible week was to cherish the good moments the fleeting ones too.

  • Make the most of every person, every opportunity you can.
  • Do not wait for tomorrow may not come. 
  • Forgive those that wronged you 
  • Forgive those who are still wronging you.
  • Love yourself enough to say, “That is okay to walk away from stress and conflict.”
  • Let things go.
  • Love with your true self, regardless of what others think.
  • If God is in your life, cling to him, he will cling to you.
  • Make amends, as best you can.  Sometimes others will not give you a chance to do this, it is not your fault. It is something within their own heart that needs to change. Sadly sometimes that never happens. Try and accept it.
  • Do not stay silent when things are in conflict, use your love and let it guide your mouth.
  • It is okay to be HUMAN.
  • Accept that not everyone in your life will love you for being you and that is okay.

 And in closing this thought…

Please allow yourself some happiness and forgiveness and love.

MwsR ❤

 

Death

One day there will be a time to die

That day will be one we must endure

The day will come when our life will try to make its great escape

When the only sound we really will be listening for

Will be the voices of those that we held dear.

Food we will not need  and it will be the least on our minds.

We will come to a point when nothing more will really matter

When the noise from death drowns out all the chatter.

A calmness will either be there or it will not

It will be out of our hands as we are soon to depart

People will come visit but to ease their own pain

It will appear that, they all are just vain

They will bring with them memories

Memories of a time you once participated in

A time when life seemed very special to them

You might see clearly or things could be cloudy,

But your ears will work and be on guarded detail

You will lie there, you will come in and out of dreams

Some faces you might not recognize, some people possibly you had never seen

A mirror will no longer tell you sweet lies

The bed will be your station, and on it you will lie.

An occasion touch or two directed towards you

An offer of some water, and the smell you caught of someone’s perfume.

It will be the most impersonal time,

The most strung out, lingering time.

Who will be there to see your last breaths

Will it be strangers in uniforms or family

I hope you won’t be lonely when it comes to your end

I hope you find yourself in the middle of family and friends

I hope your death will not be long and drawn out

I hope it is peaceful and in dignity you will die.

I wish this for all.

MwsR ❤