A sense of sadness is in my soul. I do not know where to begin. I did not see myself this sad over the possibility of losing someone who caused me so much emotional damage. I had briefly entertained the thought, long ago, of this person meeting his maker. I had thought that should he have the chance he might come to me one day and ask for my forgiveness. I guess I was wrong to think that would happen. Sometimes, in life, things will stay the same, or they won’t change. As I age I see so much of what is wrong in this life. I see hurt feelings that never mend. I hear stories of people at their end, taking all their animosity or hate with them to their graves. I also see those who longed for better but never took the step to get there. Sadly I know of too much heartache and tears shed in the name of “ pride”.
This man who was supposed to protect me, love me, and help me, ruined my teenage years and my self-worth. He imposed his selfish ways upon me. He created a girl destined to fail at being confident and self assured. He led my head down a path I never thought it would go. Trailing behind it was my heart. It would spin out of control and dangle around my neck like a noose. I would almost have to die to be made whole again. Well, whole enough to see hope and love and joy.
So much of who I am came from this man. Not my courage, not my strength, actually nothing positive, that was all my own doing. From him every fear, every doubt, every self disturbing thought came. It came so hard that I thought it would finish me off. So why did I even allow myself the trouble of a one day reappearance that would give me closure and he would ask to be forgiven for it all? I don’t know. Perhaps hearing that he is in hospice was a nudge towards those thoughts. Perhaps I still believe in forgiveness and reconciliation of some things. Of course, I do!
Never have a read-up on how to deal with such an issue. I believe it is safe to say there are no outlines of how to correctly respond to such news. Hospice means that he is dying. It means he should make amends and make his last will. It means those around him should help him get his affairs in order. Yet, I feel no one can help his soul but God. No one can help him be forgiven. It is his own decision to do so. Maybe he is too sick to be coherent. Or maybe he can’t speak. There are a thousand scenarios of what his case might be. I guess I may never know.
Now I’m faced with letting it go, again. I need to let God handle it because frankly, I have so many emotions about it all. I would surely mess up things if I were on my own. I covet prayers for peace and understandings concerning this. If you would pray for his soul that would be much appreciated. I feel that God needs me to ask this. I feel that this is so much more than mine and his history. This is or was my father by adoption. He was put in my life. I may not know the reason why but I know he was.
My heart is torn, it is so sad. I wish for better days. I long for peace and if possible confirmation of his life had it been changed. Thank you all for reading.