“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
― Mahatma Gandhi
“I think if I’ve learned anything about friendship, it’s to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don’t walk away, don’t be distracted, don’t be too busy or tired, don’t take them for granted. Friends are part of the glue that holds life and faith together. Powerful stuff.”
I think that this past week has taught me a lot about others, and myself.
I went to see my dying sister and it was an image I think I will never shake from my mind. Seems like time was not on her side but allowed her to be around to say her farewells to her loved ones, which is way more than what others get. I am glad she had that time. I am glad I had that time to say goodbye to her. She was a rather comical sister. She laughed and loved to make others laugh. I saw glimpses of that when I went to visit her. That brought some comfort to the situation, to know she could still joke and be comical, facing the end of her life.
Sometimes funerals and saying goodbyes to a dear one is more for those saying goodbye than for those that are passing on from this life. It is those who pas away suddenly and most unexpectantly that are hardest , I think, to bear. We do not get to say our final blessings or what have you to those who pass without warning. It is hard to live with sometimes, and it can cause such pain.
This past weekend was the service for my sister. It was wall to wall with people , some standing for lack of seats and some that stood in the door way area. It was amazing to see how many people came to say their farewells. Everyone had words of love and fond remembrance of my sister. I saw two pictures of her when she was much younger. It was uncanny at resemblances of her and I heard from several people how I looked like her, and it was bittersweet.
I think what I learned most was that people have a hard time with death and while others don’t, there is still the fear of the unknown after we leave here. I saw and heard from people who regretted not having more time and others who wished things had have been different for their relationship with my sister. I learned that we as humans have a hard time letting go. I know that we as humans, cling to things and have a fear of living a life outside of our pain. Sometimes, we try to punish ourselves by staying in a constant mourning, so to speak, and we will not let ourselves truly carry on with our own lives.
Sometimes, life can sink right down into our very soul and in doing so, we cannot ever truly free ourselves of things like remorse, guilt, tragedy, terrible times, hard times, and things that were not pleasant. We have to , you hear me, we have to! We are not meant to carry every single thing that we regret or have done wrong or that has happened in our life on our own shoulders and especially things that connect to our soul. It is impossible to live our lives in a SHADOW of who and what we were meant to be. We must forgive our past judgements, mistakes, regrets, and lack of’s. We are human and we will not always do things the right way, say all there needs to be said , or even treat people the way they should be treated, no matter how hard we try.
What I took away with me from this terrible week was to cherish the good moments the fleeting ones too.
Make the most of every person, every opportunity you can.
Do not wait for tomorrow may not come.
Forgive those that wronged you
Forgive those who are still wronging you.
Love yourself enough to say, “That is okay to walk away from stress and conflict.”
Let things go.
Love with your true self, regardless of what others think.
If God is in your life, cling to him, he will cling to you.
Make amends, as best you can. Sometimes others will not give you a chance to do this, it is not your fault. It is something within their own heart that needs to change. Sadly sometimes that never happens. Try and accept it.
Do not stay silent when things are in conflict, use your love and let it guide your mouth.
It is okay to be HUMAN.
Accept that not everyone in your life will love you for being you and that is okay.
And in closing this thought…
Please allow yourself some happiness and forgiveness and love.
I was just a kid. I hurt the same as anyone else. I guess maybe more since a kid tries always to imagine a good world. A world where no one whispers in their ear how stupid and gullible they seem to be. A world where magic lies in wait around every thought in a pleasant kid’s dream. I never had much of those kinds of dreams, it would seem.
I often visualized unicorns and stuffed toys, real animals, and lots of fun. Seldom did I dream at night, of glorious things, I had too much fright. I often looked at my curtains and all the different designs they had. I would make out a figure or object from the designs. Sure that there was meaning in those things I picked out of the different designs. Actually thinking back, it was tricks of my mind. How you can see something that actually is not there, because you have imagination with a flair.
Sometimes at night I would cover myself from feet to head, with covers and stuffed animals I had on my bed. I hoped that whatever was out in the night, would leave me alone because I felt I was hidden. Sadly, I never was. I know that now as an adult looking at the life I had as a kid. As kids, we think we can hide from things, I guess that with me it was the same.
A kid should never have to worry about being hid, if they do then something is really wrong. In some cases, it is an active imagination that lends way to being scared. In other cases, it is a human being that actually frightens the kid in a un intentional way or a very intentional way. My case was the latter one.
It was simply not my fault that I felt afraid. Not my fault that I wanted to hide away. I was simply trying to be okay and stay that way. I did not trust in no other way, except what I create , to protect me. I just knew no adult would believe me. I was afraid to tell anyone how I felt, also I did not have the words with which to adequately say how I felt.
No one acted as if they could tell, not my present family members, not my church, not my friends or my teachers. I felt like the only person in the world who had a secret. I felt like my secret was one of shame. I often took upon myself the blame. It was not my fault, I see that now. I wish my adult self could have talked to my kid self. I would have warned her and shared with her that is something not her fault, something that should have been noticed, seen by others, and nothing self-taught.
I would had given her, my kid self, a big hug and tell her to tell. When she cried at night as much as she could, I would have wiped her tears and loved her. I would had stood right by her bed as she slept through the night, and in case she woke up with a heart full of fright. I would protect her, my kid self, I would love her like nobody else.
I deserved to be a kid, have kid dreams, have a kid fun-filled life. Instead I had nightmares that came in at night, and during the day. My nightmares came from those with two legs. I deserved to be loved and told I was actually fine the way I was. I deserved to be told that I was a blessing not a curse. I deserved lots of love and a safe place to be…I deserved it, I was a kid, you see.
This kid grew up and became like I am today. Too much hurt to bury, too little love to stay in that place. I separated myself and those I now love. This was an act of love not hate. I wanted to be free from that time in my life, it had changed and taken so much for me, I did not want to give it everything, I did what I had to do, I did not want to forever be ‘blue”.
I had to forgive, first and foremost to continue living in love. I took my power in doing that from Heaven above. I in my human state would had only lived with a bunch of hate. If someone has done you wrong and you cannot forgive them, you give them power over you. Forgive them, it is so hard to do, but you must. You deserve to be whole and you deserve to be loved. You deserve to love again. So forgive them, I know you can.
How do I even begin, the words still escape me. Although this has weighed heavy on my heart and occupied my dreams. I know in life we take the good and the bad. We give or either we take. I guess I am a giver, a bona fide giver.
Now that isn’t saying that I am not a taker. Sure I am. For years I took what was left after you gave others what they needed. I took because I did not know I deserved more. I felt like I was just a speck on your radar, not much to see, really. I wanted to be accepted. I wanted you to love me for me. All the nice staged words did not hide the animosity in your eyes. I saw it on many occasions. I saw how you thought I was a leech, just taking your money and your things, but you never saw how much they meant to me. You did not want to see that where those things were, I felt you that meant you cared.
I admit I was not the best of the best when it came to making you proud. I did however not follow a crowd. I was my own person, free in spirit and full of life. I tried to impress you more than depress you. I failed, I admit. You lost that sparkle that comes with genuine love for me, when I reached my teens. You only saw my failures and my childish dreams as a burden.
You never took the time to see me hurting.
Those nights I prayed for thunder and lightning to answer my questions. Those nights when I was bound so tight in my covers that I literally looked froze. I was trying to hide and stay safe also. You did not ever really sit me down to talk. You never explained your thoughts on what I was doing and why. I think you turned a blind eye. See I had music to lighten my heavy heart, you could not even let me listen to it. You thought it was the tool of the devil. I knew it was my saving grace.
I was not a talkative sort. I kept my questions to myself. I never harmed anyone or anything else. I loved every creature, and loved all my things, I was very appreciative. You always made me feel guilty for messing up. You made me so nervous, I would hate coming home. I knew you were looking at every mistake, it would have been better if I had died from a stake.
I really did not intend to blame you for anything I did in error. I can blame you though for turning that blind eye. Leaving me to deal with adult things all by myself. Leaving me alone when you left the house, you did that intentionally. You did not want to know what it was that was happening to me.
You told me things like it was my fault. Maybe I was dressing the wrong way or wearing the wrong things. It never was your or his fault. It was always mine. I wish I knew the lies you had to tell yourself to believe in what you was doing. I came to you, ask you for help, asked you to be there for me. You refused. Said it would complicate home life. Yep, it sure did, not yours but mine.
Anyhow, what is done is done. What happened was never believed by the one person I thought would believe and support me.Okay, whatever. I think if I could have an honest time alone with you, this is some of what I would say. I don’t know though, because you always had a way of twisting things to your approval. You were my joy when I was young. I adored everything about you. I wanted to be like you. In my mind there was nothing I wanted more than your approval.
As the many years have left me still wondering and questioning things, one has never been answered to truth. Did you ever really love me? I don’t want no crap, I want to know the truth. Oh you have said you did many times. Well, when we were speaking.
I just guess I will just guess. It is better that way.
I cannot go through another rejection, anyway.
I want you to know that despite all this, I love you. I always will. I cannot be that person you imagined in your mind. I never could.
I hope when you lay down at night, that you think of me, and you are sorry on how things went.