I was just a kid. I hurt the same as anyone else. I guess maybe more since a kid tries always to imagine a good world. A world where no one whispers in their ear how stupid and gullible they seem to be. A world where magic lies in wait around every thought in a pleasant kid’s dream. I never had much of those kinds of dreams, it would seem.
I often visualized unicorns and stuffed toys, real animals, and lots of fun. Seldom did I dream at night, of glorious things, I had too much fright. I often looked at my curtains and all the different designs they had. I would make out a figure or object from the designs. Sure that there was meaning in those things I picked out of the different designs. Actually thinking back, it was tricks of my mind. How you can see something that actually is not there, because you have imagination with a flair.
Sometimes at night I would cover myself from feet to head, with covers and stuffed animals I had on my bed. I hoped that whatever was out in the night, would leave me alone because I felt I was hidden. Sadly, I never was. I know that now as an adult looking at the life I had as a kid. As kids, we think we can hide from things, I guess that with me it was the same.
A kid should never have to worry about being hid, if they do then something is really wrong. In some cases, it is an active imagination that lends way to being scared. In other cases, it is a human being that actually frightens the kid in a un intentional way or a very intentional way. My case was the latter one.
It was simply not my fault that I felt afraid. Not my fault that I wanted to hide away. I was simply trying to be okay and stay that way. I did not trust in no other way, except what I create , to protect me. I just knew no adult would believe me. I was afraid to tell anyone how I felt, also I did not have the words with which to adequately say how I felt.
No one acted as if they could tell, not my present family members, not my church, not my friends or my teachers. I felt like the only person in the world who had a secret. I felt like my secret was one of shame. I often took upon myself the blame. It was not my fault, I see that now. I wish my adult self could have talked to my kid self. I would have warned her and shared with her that is something not her fault, something that should have been noticed, seen by others, and nothing self-taught.
I would had given her, my kid self, a big hug and tell her to tell. When she cried at night as much as she could, I would have wiped her tears and loved her. I would had stood right by her bed as she slept through the night, and in case she woke up with a heart full of fright. I would protect her, my kid self, I would love her like nobody else.
I deserved to be a kid, have kid dreams, have a kid fun-filled life. Instead I had nightmares that came in at night, and during the day. My nightmares came from those with two legs. I deserved to be loved and told I was actually fine the way I was. I deserved to be told that I was a blessing not a curse. I deserved lots of love and a safe place to be…I deserved it, I was a kid, you see.
This kid grew up and became like I am today. Too much hurt to bury, too little love to stay in that place. I separated myself and those I now love. This was an act of love not hate. I wanted to be free from that time in my life, it had changed and taken so much for me, I did not want to give it everything, I did what I had to do, I did not want to forever be ‘blue”.
I had to forgive, first and foremost to continue living in love. I took my power in doing that from Heaven above. I in my human state would had only lived with a bunch of hate. If someone has done you wrong and you cannot forgive them, you give them power over you. Forgive them, it is so hard to do, but you must. You deserve to be whole and you deserve to be loved. You deserve to love again. So forgive them, I know you can.
Hi, hope you are well.
How do I even begin, the words still escape me. Although this has weighed heavy on my heart and occupied my dreams. I know in life we take the good and the bad. We give or either we take. I guess I am a giver, a bona fide giver.
Now that isn’t saying that I am not a taker. Sure I am. For years I took what was left after you gave others what they needed. I took because I did not know I deserved more. I felt like I was just a speck on your radar, not much to see, really. I wanted to be accepted. I wanted you to love me for me. All the nice staged words did not hide the animosity in your eyes. I saw it on many occasions. I saw how you thought I was a leech, just taking your money and your things, but you never saw how much they meant to me. You did not want to see that where those things were, I felt you that meant you cared.
I admit I was not the best of the best when it came to making you proud. I did however not follow a crowd. I was my own person, free in spirit and full of life. I tried to impress you more than depress you. I failed, I admit. You lost that sparkle that comes with genuine love for me, when I reached my teens. You only saw my failures and my childish dreams as a burden.
You never took the time to see me hurting.
Those nights I prayed for thunder and lightning to answer my questions. Those nights when I was bound so tight in my covers that I literally looked froze. I was trying to hide and stay safe also. You did not ever really sit me down to talk. You never explained your thoughts on what I was doing and why. I think you turned a blind eye. See I had music to lighten my heavy heart, you could not even let me listen to it. You thought it was the tool of the devil. I knew it was my saving grace.
I was not a talkative sort. I kept my questions to myself. I never harmed anyone or anything else. I loved every creature, and loved all my things, I was very appreciative. You always made me feel guilty for messing up. You made me so nervous, I would hate coming home. I knew you were looking at every mistake, it would have been better if I had died from a stake.
I really did not intend to blame you for anything I did in error. I can blame you though for turning that blind eye. Leaving me to deal with adult things all by myself. Leaving me alone when you left the house, you did that intentionally. You did not want to know what it was that was happening to me.
You told me things like it was my fault. Maybe I was dressing the wrong way or wearing the wrong things. It never was your or his fault. It was always mine. I wish I knew the lies you had to tell yourself to believe in what you was doing. I came to you, ask you for help, asked you to be there for me. You refused. Said it would complicate home life. Yep, it sure did, not yours but mine.
Anyhow, what is done is done. What happened was never believed by the one person I thought would believe and support me.Okay, whatever. I think if I could have an honest time alone with you, this is some of what I would say. I don’t know though, because you always had a way of twisting things to your approval. You were my joy when I was young. I adored everything about you. I wanted to be like you. In my mind there was nothing I wanted more than your approval.
As the many years have left me still wondering and questioning things, one has never been answered to truth. Did you ever really love me? I don’t want no crap, I want to know the truth. Oh you have said you did many times. Well, when we were speaking.
I just guess I will just guess. It is better that way.
I cannot go through another rejection, anyway.
I want you to know that despite all this, I love you. I always will. I cannot be that person you imagined in your mind. I never could.
I hope when you lay down at night, that you think of me, and you are sorry on how things went.
Forever just a second thought,
I write a lot of stuff that may seem to be in a hostile way.
See everything is not all bright and gay.
There is power though in things we can choose
Like loving another despite the fact they do no good.
Or teaching someone something to try to make their day better
Perhaps just letting someone pass in line, if you have the time.
All these things go farther than you and me
They take on a purpose and they start acting like a stream
That stream will flow through to another, then another one
I know I have done it, and I am not done.
Forgiveness is necessary as well,
Probably one of the most important to tell.
If you can’t get past all the animosity and pain
How do you expect to float to a higher plain?
It is true what they say about “coming back to you”
I have seen it for real, it is true.
So let’s learn to forgive, even when they sure as heck do not deserve it.
Let us remember they are still human, you can see that.
We can change their life as well as ours
If we forgive them, we release that burden, the one that towers
We can finally let things go
We can make new what we had destroyed by holding on without forgiving
This life is for those that give while they’re living.
We have to teach our generations to forgive and give, or else we are destroying ourselves from the inside out.