Afraid by MwsR

To know what it was like back then

You should picture an animal pen.

One where there is a small place to move around

Where if you scream you still cannot be found.

A place that would keep you

Keep you to be in view.

A place where your safety is void.

People would pass by and around

Looking at you but never making a sound.

You would be alone

Even this would become home.

Anything could happen, any given day

It really was that way!

You were trapped, you had fear

From the very one you held dear.

Afraid and alone,

A reality for you but not those at your home.

Secrets that presented themselves always were ignored

Passing words or actions, lay buried on the floor.

Noone helped, not one single soul

That was your life in this pen that became a hole.

Afraid hardly covers the sins that were there,

Seemed like no one would ever care.

But one day, the fear had taken a ride,

Out came the things that were buried inside

Finally someone listened, looked in and came

Took her out of the pen and she overcame.

Afraid to ever be there again,

She left a lot of her kin.

Never to return, or be that afraid again, of that man.

Photo by MART PRODUCTION on Pexels.com

All rights reserved. @MwsR2021

Poem

Dad, my first guy, by MwsR

Pictures are all I have
They are like a wound with a little salve.
You are and always will be
The very core part of me.
I know you existed I see and hear about it all.
I just wish you were still here for me to call.
Often you are in my head
I find myself thinking of you while looking ahead.
If one little wish I was able to make
It might be to see you, you know before the ache.
Dads are more than a name we give,
They are the ones that teach us how to grow and live.
I never got to have that with you
I often think about what if’s and it makes me blue.
Others get to call up their dads and talk
Some get to spend time with them and go for walks
I get to ponder and wonder a lot
About what I have and what I not.
It is not your fault I am sure you would have stayed
But that wasn’t how it all got played.
Taken too soon from this earth and from your family
The ones who loved you and made you happy.
I guess some things never come to be
Like my wish for you to had known me.
Or maybe just to spend the day talking to you
And carrying on about the days that we went through.
It’s a good thing memories come around
Because that’s all some have when their hearts start to frown.
Dad, I know if you knew me
You’d see a lot of you inside of me, probably.
You would have also known how much you meant to me…you know why,
After all, you were my first guy.

All rights reserved. MwsR2021

He Didn’t See Me, by MwsR

He could of seen me,

But he was to wrapped up in his own desires

He could of been the light that led my way

But he choose to stray

He could of held my hands when I was scared

Instead he gave me nightmares.

He could of been my one true guy

But he would rather look at me with his sinful eye.

He could of helped strengthen my belief in love

But he took those things from me and gave me a shove

He could of made my opinion of men so much better

Instead, he was never much of a man.

He used his position to intimidate me

All that with lots of misery.

He would of been someone I would of loved forever

He did not want my love, he wanted me.

He broke my childhood into vivid reminders

Of how he lusted after me.

He is a sick person, not my dad anymore

I had to shut that door.

He will never ever hurt me that way again

The end.

Presence, poem

I have visited your grave, many times

Not in actuality but in my mind.

Seeing the graveside flowers, and studying them so

The people in the photos, the ones I know

Sometimes, we don’t actually have to be present

To feel such a presence.

Life went on without you in it

People adapted, things changed, from it

But something for me was magnified,

I never realized it, and how it applied

Here I was mourning the chance of never meeting you

Yet I did, it is true

I was held by you, once

I was loved by you, and heard your voice

No, it did not last for my lifetime, but it did in yours.

You once held my hand,

Heard me cry,

I have struggled with this, I don’t know just why.

You knew me, I knew you not

I have such a huge heart knot

I will wish until my dying days

To had known you, in all ways.

Until then, I will revisit your grave

The one in photos, the place where you lay.

Studying the people and flowers so

Sometimes, we do not have to be present

To feel someone’s presence.

MwsR ❤

More from Blue…short story

photography of person peeking
Photo by Noelle Otto on Pexels.com

The anticipation was so great this day, unlike most days where Blue lived. There was so much attention being given to the house. Dusting, mopping, vacuuming was having to be done. She was only 7 but  she was vacuuming the living room, while trying to over hear what the adults were fussing about.

There was something going on today that had been a long time coming. Her father’s dad was coming. He was her grandfather and for the first time that she could remember she was going to actually get to see and meet him. Blue was so thrilled she could hardly contain her emotions of happiness and thrill. So why were her parents fussing and bickering all morning?

It was nothing unusual to hear them argue or fuss or even to see her father raise his hands to her mom. Today though should be a time for being happy not fussing or fighting with each other. After she got down cleaning her room she tried to ease drop and listen to what was being fussed about. She finally knew what it was. She heard her father state that he hated his dad and that he wished him dead. He also said that he would not go to his funeral if he ever did die.

What in the world was he saying that for? Blue thought that being a family meant that everyone accepted and loved everyone else. Little by little though in her short life she was learning that adults did not get along with each other and that apparently they could never really love anyone. It was a shame that Blue learned this at a young age but she did.  You know how kids think their world is so magical and great? Well, no matter how much Blue wanted to believe that , the adults in her life taught her so much of that was not true.

After lunch Blue was sitting on the couch awaiting her grandfather’s arrival. She had heard her mother tell her sister that he would come after lunch some time. She heard a knock on the door and immediately she knew it was him. Her father went into the back bedroom and shut the door. She thought how odd that was but she was so excited she gave that very little thought. When her mother answered the door, there was this tall man standing in the doorway. He said. “Hello, I am your father in law”. My mother acted as if she was nervous and she said ,”Hello, nice to finally meet you.”  Blue knew this had to be the first time he had seen her mother, how weird, she thought to herself.

Her mother asked him to have a seat at the table in the kitchen and then offered him some coffee, he gladly accepted. He saw Blue peering in  the kitchen and he motioned for her to come see him. Blue cautiously waked into the kitchen and hopped on his lap. She really was observing every little detail about him. She felt so happy at that moment. She noticed he had a finger missing. She rudely asked him why he had no finger. Her mother scolded her and explained that was not nice asking people such a personal thing. He told her mother and her that it was okay. He also said that when he was young he lit a firecracker in his hand and not knowing much about t, it went off in his hand. Blue was surprised at that answer. He mother explained that that was why you don’t touch things like that. He chuckled and said, “Yes I did some crazy things in my young life.”

Blue was thoroughly enjoying her time with her grandfather, but her father had not come out of his room the whole time. She started to tell her grandfather that her father was there, when her mother motioned for her to be quite. How odd she thought, after all it was her father’s own dad. Once again for Blue she was not able to understand this whole situation but she tried to focus on her grandfather while she could. He explained that he wanted to tell us he was moving and had come to say goodbye and let us know. Blue suddenly became very sad. She told him she did not want him to go, he exclaimed that he knew his son did not want to see him so he had better get going and that he was happy to had met her, and one day he said maybe she could visit him. Blue told him she very much wanted to. Her mother walked him to the door and told him goodbye and thanked him for coming. Blue and her sister waved goodbye to him through the screen door until he got out of sight.

Blue wondered in her mind if she was ever going to see him again. She never did. She always cherish in her mind that one day she met him. Although she did not know why her father did not like him, she thought he was special. His few hours spent there seemed liked a short time, but that did not make them any less special to her. Once she got the courage to ask her father why he did not love his dad or want to see him, and he told her” That man is not my dad, he is a mean SOB, and I hate him.” What a message to convey to a small child about someone who she called grandfather.

Just goes to show you that adults don’t ever try to change, she thought to herself. Blue just did not want to ever grow up to be like that, and she determined in her mind that regardless of circumstances she would not.

 

 

MwsR ❤

Gone From This Old World….

Struggling hard to come to terms with this feeling

But never  relief in sight.

I even dreamt about you, oh so many times.

What you would be like, what would you say


20180615_1035193034296451358505304.jpg
My birth dad! Johnny

Only if your life hadn’t ended that  way.

I have a picture or two but not really enough

I think I have studied them a lot, etched you in my mind

What my tears and heart cannot find.


I see you liked cats, wow, that is so me

I favor you too, a lot, it would seem.

I know you smoked Marlboro cigarettes

That you liked to play practical jokes,


I know your eyes were blue, as mine are,

You not being here has left a terrible scar.

I so would had loved to show you my life,

Tell you stories of things and tell you goodnight.


It just wasn’t our time, I guess

Happy endings for us were not meant to be.

I still think of you as often as I breath.

Gone from this old world, but not truly from me

See, you were my father and always will be. 

                                                                                                            MwsR ❤