Tag Archives: Betrayal

Blue (from Blue’s thoughts)

I know how it feels to be scared. I have spent most of my life being scared. I have felt like there was no-one to trust but many to fear. The ones who were suppose to help me and keep me safe, are the main ones responsible for the fear I have inside. I do cope, if you could say that. Sometimes I relive things and sometimes I imagine things . Using different scenarios I will let my own mind move through it all, until I see what lies at the end of that particular scenario. I have always felt like that is what keeps me from totally cracking or falling apart. If somehow I could imagine things and have myself deal with those imaginations, of worse case scenarios, I would be more prepared and equipped to deal with them should they become a reality. I guess.

A lot of things have happened to me that only I know. As is the case with others, I’m sure. I remember lots of things but never really all in one sitting. The remembered parts of my life, come in segments , sometimes at different months, years, or days. Nothing really has to “set them off”. The thoughts of remembering, just happen when they want , usually. I don’t think anyone could really understand the way my life has truly felt for me. I doubt anyone has a decent clue, even. I have talked about things at various times and those listening will sometimes just nod. Sometimes, those listening to my stories, will comment on what I have told them. None listening or commenting really help me to feel better. In fact seeing their expressions make me feel more isolated, more misunderstood. It is a vicious cycle. I want others to know, to hear, to feel what I did, but how can they, really? Is it even possible?

There has always been that voice inside my head that tells me, “Maybe you have made up half of the stuff you think or say has happened.” It eats away at my mind’s sanity. I mean it could be possible, couldn’t it? Then there is the pain and feelings I felt that flood into my everyday life, into my reasonings, my thoughts, my pain. That would have to be real, right? I mean I have seen or read about someone making up things that they truly believe has occurred or been done to them. They believe in what they have said and feel so much, perhaps they have unannounced to them, convinced themselves of something that is erroneous. I have no doubt that our minds are very powerful motivators for things we do and the actions we do as well.

Why was I put in the life I find myself in? Why must I constantly doubt that true love is something I have, will have, or is even meant for me? I constantly doubt the sincerity of people’s actions, and I question their motives. This comes from the fatherly betrayal and from my own mother’s problems with me, and in dealing with her own life. I find it hard to let myself just relax and lean on another person. It is and has always been a long and strenuous journey for me to come to terms with. However, I must keep going through it, trying to understand it, and keep love in my heart. It would be so easy to not care for anyone, or even myself. I must constantly tell myself I am worthy of love, real love. I must also tell myself that there are genuine people out there with genuine feelings for me. I must never stop believing in faith and hope and charity. Never!

MwsR


Author’s note-

My journey is not the most terrible one that has ever occurred. There are people that have experienced extreme treatments and hurts, and have had awful lives, at the hand of another person. I believe each person is different, feels things differently, and deals with things in a fashion that is appropriate for them. For me, my home life,, has it’s share of secrets, heartaches, and sadness. It is not however without good times, happiness, and love. This has always been my own story, my own life. Being Blue has been one of the hardest burden, to bear. I hope that one day I can help others, the way a few have helped me, by telling the story, so many live and know, as well. I hope in sharing my life that others will find the strength and the courage, for whatever battle they find themselves facing.

Thank you for reading 🙂

Advertisements

(Blue) Short version of a long complicated story.

 

autumn fall forest leaves

Photo by Picography on Pexels.com

She always did see things from her skewed perspective. After all ,that is what she had been told since she was just a young thing. Normal was really not a word you would use when describing her. She had a face with freckles and her eyes were blue, matching her inner heart. Her ambitions in life were too simply live a fuller and more loved one then she had before becoming an adult. This is a story of a the Blue Hearted Girl, Blue was her name.

Blue often sat out in the woods not far from her home. The spacious woods were her calm place, her place to pretend and feel safe. She often pretended to be running a motel and the creatures in the woods, all the way down to the bugs she would find, lived there. She enjoyed hearing the birds sing so sweetly to her each and every day she arrived. She thought they actually were singing to her.  This was how her imagination worked. In her pretend world she was loved by all that met her.  She loved this pretend world and that was what she ran to as fast as she could each day.  Her family life was not as enticing as the pretend world and she really felt like a stranger there and she felt left out. in her own home.

Blue often went for a walk to her creek out back of her home. She loved wading in the creek and also gathering clay from the creek bank. There was lots of clay in her creek. She really never made anything significant but it was fun to sit and manipulate that clay into whatever she wished to make.  Once Blue saw a beige snake in her creek, she watched it wiggle free of the creek’s current and crawl the creek bank to dry land. There was lots to see at the creek, She remembers her father telling her that every animal around there comes to that creek when they were thirsty, so she would often just hide along the creek bank and watch with much anticipation as to what came there . That creek, in a lot of ways, taught her about nature.

Blue had a younger brother and an older sister, and she fit right smack in the middle of their ages. She was petite and skinny, while her brother and sister were not. She had really fine , straight hair, and they both had thicker, wavy hair. She had blue eyes, they had the same. That was the closest she came to looking like them. She didn’t care though, she never really concerned herself with all that. Apparently though her brother and sister did not share her lack of interest. They constantly were reminding her of how she did not look like them, and how she kind of did not fit in. That really never bothered her too much either, she just wanted to be happy.

Blue when she was small, would ride her tricycle around the front yard tree and pretend to be in a race against all things. Even the ants that were underfoot had a stake in that pretend race. The tree would encircle was a large tree with skinny limbs all stemming from a large trunk and the blooms on this tree were her favorite color, pink. She loved when the wind would blow and the blooms would fall all around her. She had pink carpet in her room even, she really  loved the color pink. Her tricycle was even pink. It had pink streamers cascading from the handle bars. This tricycle even sported an awesome pink, plastic weaved basket. She was definitely all about pink.

Blue had a swing set, on it was two swing seats, a double seated push swing and a slide, that was metal, and a lift bar swing in the very middle.The slide would be so hot from the sun sometimes that she had to put water on it some to cool it off before sliding on it. This slide was so tall to her though, she often times sat on the top of it imagining that she was looking down at another world. She loved to imagine and pretend.  This swing set was blue, and white. She often would grab the lift bar swing and put herself in it and sit and swing , She never really felt any fear when she did those type of things. Fear really never entered her mind back in the early years of her life.

It was not until she reached her teenage years that things changed a whole lot for her. Life was not as carefree anymore, she was in school and never really had much time to come home and play. She saw her swing set sitting there each day she arrived home from school.  Sadly, she was not allowed to go outside as much as she did when she was younger. Now she had chores and homework and things to do besides pretend. This is around the time her heart began to change.  If she could have stayed little longer she would have because being a teenager proved to be less and less fun.

When most of her friends were going to the skating rink or hanging out at each other’s house she was at her home, doing chores. The first time she was made to vacuum was at the age of 9. now though it seemed her parents wanted her to do more. Sometimes she felt like she was only there for that. She wanted to go outside and ride her  red Murray bike but seldom did she ever get to. She had been given that bike on Christmas for a present and still had not mastered fully riding a bike. Yes, she was a teenager that could not ride a bike. That is because no one helped her, no one gave her time to. All her friends was under the impression though, that she could ride a bike, they would have laughed at her if they knew she couldn’t. So she never told them otherwise. She often made out like her life was as normal as theirs and that she had a good home life, like they imagined her to have had. Unfortunately, it really never was.

Still in her teenage years, where the things in her life became more cumbersome rather than fun, she felt so alone. She knew that life for her friends was so much easier and carefree, why couldn’t hers be? Instead she was left alone with her father each Saturday while her mother bought groceries and went shopping. This time alone was never a good time. She frequently hid in her bedroom or snuck out and went to the woods. This was to get away from her father. he was not like her friends fathers. Her father was different. he made her feel uncomfortable and disgusting. He had affection for her that was not normal. He thought of her in a most wrong way. Why could her father not be normal? She often wondered. She also blamed herself a lot for the way he looked at her, the way he made her feel.

This unnatural attraction was most certainly uncomfortable, to say the least. Blue hated it, and despised the fact that while her friends all wore gowns to sleep in at night, she wore jogging pants and tried to hide herself in her clothes as to not draw attention to the woman she was becoming with her body.  She found herself staying ore and more in her bedroom and locking her door, just to avoid the man she knew as her father. She wanted to runaway many times, start over somewhere else, but she never did. She was destined to live there and she done that the best way she knew how.

What bothered her was the fact that despite the unnatural way her father treated her, her siblings nor her mother seemed to notice. I guess it was not awkward for a mother to come home and see her  teenage daughter sitting on her husbands lap. Maybe the fact that one does not want to admit there is an issue was the reasoning behind all that. Sadly though no one ever noticed or if they did they ignored it.  While her friends were wearing bathing suits and enjoying the tans they got , she was hiding out in her room. She had lived with abnormal for so ling that it felt weird to spend the night with her friends and see the interactions between her friends and their families, especially their fathers. She could never had imagined being that “free” just to be in her home. It was such a different world she had. Her friends thought she was just shy and reserved but she was really trying to protect herself from any other man who would see her in a sexual way; yes, even her friends fathers. She didn’t want to risk it. Her friends never knew.

Once she was out sunbathing, this is before the actual understanding of the actual thought process that her father had concerning her. Her father approached her, he got down in a sitting position by her lawn chair and looked at her from head to toe and told her how beautiful she was. He also said that there was no one that beautiful to him. It was at that moment she felt most uncomfortable and left and went inside, never to sunbathe outside at her home, again, After that moment she knew she needed to hide and hide she did.

Faultless she was, but never knowing that, she blamed her growing up , maturing for the way she was looked at. Not that growing up isn’t hard enough for a kid. She blamed that growing up for her deepest pain. Sometimes she almost wanted things to never change, nothing to change, not even into another day of her life. She blamed herself, blamed her father, and wanted it all to end.  It should not hurt to be her, but it did. Her heart turned blue in those days, years, she had to live there with him. Somehow her heart still managed to continue beating.

Blue always wanted to be loved the way other girls are by their parents. She wanted to cherish her father not fear him. Although she never did anything to deserve the torment she had received she felt somehow in the wrong. What should have been a wonderful loving childhood turned into one like you can not imagine. She preserved parts of her heart in spite of that so she could give it to those that most deserved it. Blue made many more wonderful stories and lives happily with her own family now. She feels blessed to live and she distanced herself from those that wished her harm. That is how she survived.

If only Blue had a chance to create her real world like she had done for her pretend world, she would have created one filled with genuineness. Her pretend world would have had a girl who lived in a beautiful home, one where she could have her unconditional love and be nurtured. There would have been no fear. Life , however cannot be created that way. Wouldn’t it be great, though?

 

 

Thank you for reading 🙂