“Things never go the way you expect them to. That’s both the joy and frustration in life. I’m finding as I get older that I don’t mind, though. It’s the surprises that tickle me the most, the things you don’t see coming.”
Her heart, she displayed like a billboard sign. There was nothing left, at least not much anymore. Even though she discarded a lot of her past baggage somewhere alongside the never-ending road, she still had some that managed to show up, mixed in a lot of her other emotions.
Whenever she wanted to rest, she would sit a spell and contemplate life. Thoughts that ran through her mind would create a crevis here and there, that she would ultimately fill with more baggage. Her past and it’s harshness created the many seasons of change she would experience through out her journeys on that never-ending road.
If she was lucky enough, there would be people to engage with and create with her a relationship of trust and comfort. Many times though there was people who took more than they ever left her with, in regards of trust and comfort. She always felt like she was never good enough or strong enough, yet each time she received damage of some sort, she stood back up as if to carry on.
Her heart was a crutch, yet it kept her steadily moving down the never-ending road. Sometimes painful more than steady but it held her up, when it was needed. Now it was that she had very little left of that heart. Not really of her own choosing but rather her lot in life and one she had to handle on her own.
She often thought to herself, “If my heart had wings, It could fly out of danger wherever it was”, yet that was a long stretch to say the least. She should know not to imagine far out things because those things never come to pass. At least not for her. It was in the fragments of things left behind, and yet to pass that she stretched her reach for things of hope. “If I could piece together all those fragments, then one day I might be whole again”, she would always say.
Desperately, I look for some re-assurance, some acknowledgement,that everything I have done was handled the right way. I try to stay positive, yet there is so much I question and then question again. Did I not do all I could to ensure that my family is happy, healthy, and have their needs taken care of?
Some people in the parenting world question all their actions, thoughts, words and feelings at one point or another. I,myself, have been doing this here lately. I have three kids and they have been my whole world for so long now. Now, they are going to be all graduated from high school, in a matter of weeks, and I am finding myself wondering about so much of my life, in regards to them. I am going to watch my youngest graduate in a few weeks. For some reason though I am feeling some kind of way. No, it isn’t going to be the empty nest yet although I hear that will come later on. For some reason I find myself wishing my kids were still in that middle school age. You know, the age when your kids still wanted to hang out with you and do things with their parents.
For me, raising my kids went fairly well. My husband and I were always “hands on” parents. Meaning we went to all the games of sport our kids choose to participate in and we went to all the awards, and concerts they were in at school and otherwise. Our kids have been our sole purpose in all we do and undertake and work for, other than the basic essentials it takes to live. I wish I had of had parents like us. I would never say we were the absolute best parents a kid could have, yet I would say we were plenty patient and loving and encouraging.
Here lately though, as I count down the last days of my last kid being in school, I am torn between being happy and being sad. I am definitely proud and relieved to say the least, but still. I know there is times when it seemed like this graduation thing was never coming and my husband and I fretted for the final outcome. But alas, we are almost there. As I sat in an awards ceremony last night I was reminded of all the kids that I have known since they were in kindergarten with my own kid and how much they had grown and how they too were graduating. It hit me hard. It was almost sad enough that I almost teared up. I had worked for the school system and at one point or another I had personally got to know all these kids in one way, shape, or form and it was a proud moment, a happy moment, and a sad one.
I figure this all is normal. I also figure that every parent who reaches this point in their kids lives has the same or along the same thoughts. It just is a time to reflect. It is also a time to be proud and also a sobering time. So many emotions, so much on my mind. Which brings me to my first paragraph again, in that as a parent you want to know that you have given each of your children a good start in life that is going to be beneficial to them. You will question your motives, actions, thoughts, and interactions. That is normal to think those things. What you should try to focus on though are the positives, not what if’s and all the blessings you and your family has had along life’s journey together. You might not always be together but you can always keep the bond. All you have to do is HANG ON 🙂
When everything is said and done,
When with the loss of love, you start to rhyme.
Some gentle wisps of independence
A special kind of penance,
A choice you can make finally on your own
Despite the fact you left your home.
Wondering is for those who appear lost,
Yet, you find a place, despite the cost.
Breathless your decisions are made
Hoping not to lose it all.
Struggling, foraging, pushing back the opposition
But leaning, when needed, to whatever or whoever it be.
Everyone needs a moment, some time
Even if that somebody is me.
At the end of each separate struggle there will be some peace
Knowing in your heart of hearts, even though you have shattered,
You ultimately, did MATTER.
My daughter is very talented. She is quite good with her hands. Drawing has always been her best talent. So, here recently I have been after her to draw me an abstract heart themed picture. Hearts have always been my favorite shape. They carry sentimental meanings and significance to me. I have always used them in my special signature and my art.
The reason I asked her to make this abstract heart picture was in the hopes of using it in my 4th poetry book. My titles are themed along with heart in their titles. It could easy look like a series when you look at their names .
She drew me one this evening , which was waiting on me when I arrived home. I noticed the different textures she created and the different writings behind the pictures . She used tears in the paper that she used to layer with to create a nice texture. I am not sure what the category one would use to place her drawing in but it is a small characteristic of her. She is definitely a unique person and this simplifies that in a talented way .
Picture credit – RR
Oh how I wish I could draw like her, yet sadly, I can’t . My talent is in expressive writing, poetry, as it is called. I love it and thought I would blog about it. I will definitely use it in my next book.