Hope everyone is doing great, on this day February 8, 2019.
It is a nice mild weathered day here, with a slight breeze blowing. I was contemplating something recently. It has to do with a call for my readers or followers. I was wondering how a post or several posts dedicated to someone or otherwise. My thoughts on this post or posts would be to have you, my readers, followers, and such to send me love poems or love letters, perhaps, maybe something along those lines , dealing with love, for me to showcase on my page. I am hoping you will help me out with this. I would like to call the post title, “LOVE”, appropriately entitled.
I will be using this picture for the corresponding posts.
Again, I would like participation from my friends and fellow writers, and followers, I would ask that you send me the stuff you wish me to post, by emailing me at http://Mwsrwritings@gmail.com// Please get those to me by February 12th.
Please help me out. I shall see you on this side of the rainbow.
It had to be you know, there was no more me living on pins and needles. There was no possible way, I could let you rule the rest of my decisions, for my life left to live.
I had to leave when I did. It was getting so hectic and unbearable. I was virtually a prisoner to the a deck of cards, never knowing when the next card would fall or what it would be. It was not the life I wanted for me.
Familiar was never a reason to stay, and to be treated that way. Love was not going to fight all your demons you had built around yourself and mine too. One of us had to let go. One of us had to love enough to break free. That one who did was me. I loved myself for once in my life, back then, on that day. The day when I turned and waved.
I was desperate but not foolish, I could take care of myself and that I did. Without you, or him, or anyone in my family circle back then. I survived to make a new way, forget past judgements that were thrown my way. I was going to be a better me and live to tell. My own stories of personal hell.
I did it, here I am writing a post on my own webpage, because this time I am the in “charge of” host. I am the one who gets to recall as I see fit, all the darkness , each and every bit. I get to decide to give time to thinking, of the things that help me so tight against the wall to hell back then. I am the one who in all intense description, yet, still lives it over and over again, not you. Never you.
I will manage at times to appear to regress, see myself sometimes crying out and starting to stress. I find that I love you still despite all I choose to let go of. I find I want you in my life despite the cruel ways you use to let me dangle and twist and almost choke my own life out.
I find that pain is no more a server of knowledge, and sometimes gives us enough to carry on. I find myself trudging past all the why’s and what if’s and I find mostly I am still so lost in it… I know it has become like a part of my skin, serving a purpose that I cannot see, a part of forgiveness that I had to give to me. A part that says I am no more a loser and a no good. I am a person who has loved and lost. More lost than been loved. I am a person who caries their heart on their shoulders, and still holds out a hand. I cannot picture me any other kind of man.
I wanted to just tell you, should you ever read, these words I have written and left for you to see,
No more a prisoner! Hmm, that sounds good if only my eyes and heart would agree!
How do I even begin, the words still escape me. Although this has weighed heavy on my heart and occupied my dreams. I know in life we take the good and the bad. We give or either we take. I guess I am a giver, a bona fide giver.
Now that isn’t saying that I am not a taker. Sure I am. For years I took what was left after you gave others what they needed. I took because I did not know I deserved more. I felt like I was just a speck on your radar, not much to see, really. I wanted to be accepted. I wanted you to love me for me. All the nice staged words did not hide the animosity in your eyes. I saw it on many occasions. I saw how you thought I was a leech, just taking your money and your things, but you never saw how much they meant to me. You did not want to see that where those things were, I felt you that meant you cared.
I admit I was not the best of the best when it came to making you proud. I did however not follow a crowd. I was my own person, free in spirit and full of life. I tried to impress you more than depress you. I failed, I admit. You lost that sparkle that comes with genuine love for me, when I reached my teens. You only saw my failures and my childish dreams as a burden.
You never took the time to see me hurting.
Those nights I prayed for thunder and lightning to answer my questions. Those nights when I was bound so tight in my covers that I literally looked froze. I was trying to hide and stay safe also. You did not ever really sit me down to talk. You never explained your thoughts on what I was doing and why. I think you turned a blind eye. See I had music to lighten my heavy heart, you could not even let me listen to it. You thought it was the tool of the devil. I knew it was my saving grace.
I was not a talkative sort. I kept my questions to myself. I never harmed anyone or anything else. I loved every creature, and loved all my things, I was very appreciative. You always made me feel guilty for messing up. You made me so nervous, I would hate coming home. I knew you were looking at every mistake, it would have been better if I had died from a stake.
I really did not intend to blame you for anything I did in error. I can blame you though for turning that blind eye. Leaving me to deal with adult things all by myself. Leaving me alone when you left the house, you did that intentionally. You did not want to know what it was that was happening to me.
You told me things like it was my fault. Maybe I was dressing the wrong way or wearing the wrong things. It never was your or his fault. It was always mine. I wish I knew the lies you had to tell yourself to believe in what you was doing. I came to you, ask you for help, asked you to be there for me. You refused. Said it would complicate home life. Yep, it sure did, not yours but mine.
Anyhow, what is done is done. What happened was never believed by the one person I thought would believe and support me.Okay, whatever. I think if I could have an honest time alone with you, this is some of what I would say. I don’t know though, because you always had a way of twisting things to your approval. You were my joy when I was young. I adored everything about you. I wanted to be like you. In my mind there was nothing I wanted more than your approval.
As the many years have left me still wondering and questioning things, one has never been answered to truth. Did you ever really love me? I don’t want no crap, I want to know the truth. Oh you have said you did many times. Well, when we were speaking.
I just guess I will just guess. It is better that way.
I cannot go through another rejection, anyway.
I want you to know that despite all this, I love you. I always will. I cannot be that person you imagined in your mind. I never could.
I hope when you lay down at night, that you think of me, and you are sorry on how things went.