Today, I felt pain. I felt it surround my heart and once again, I tried to stop it. Why is it that the things we love the most, put such hurt within our souls. I went and poured out my heart, and was shut down by someone’s own perceptions. It was hard to bare my feelings but I had no choice, I had to. The stress between us both has encompassed my life. It has left me feeling inadequate, bruised, and useless. Still, I tried. I laid it out and asked my poignant questions. I felt it needed to be heard. Of course, they did not agree. Like a clam, they shut their heart and closed their ears. They could not see past the past. Are they ever going to?
A part of me wanted to run…run somewhere, run fast, and run hard. But where? I have no answers, perhaps it is a fight or flight response. I wasn’t looking to fight, but it ended up that way, in some regard. Nothing, not even my tears, could calm that stubborn heart I was trying to get through to. I gave in to the pressure of trying to defend myself, against God knows what, for whatever reason, and nothing was accomplished. If anything, it made the other person meaner. As if I had asked them for a “lung”, they thought I was crazy. They refused to talk, heal, or forgive. For which I am not sure what there was to forgive. All I know is that they were determined not to discuss, deal with, or listen anymore, today.
How in the heck did my love for someone get so complicated? How is that they, the one who I built a better part of my world around, has come to be so bitter and so angry. Why? And instead of getting “points” for the good and goodwill done towards them all these years, a disagreement, conflict if you will, keeps a huge wedge filled with distrust and disdain against me. I feel like a failure. I feel like I did not express myself well enough. I feel hurt. I feel broken.
I am sure we all have situations like this. I am sure there are circumstances we cannot control. I am sure of that. What kills me though is the fact that nothing else matters to this person, and they cannot see the uncountable good and love they have been given. Why? Perhaps I should remember the mean people in my life, just so I feel better about myself. Nah, I don’t want to waste my thoughts on those kind of people. I want to do as I always have, forgive and love. I don’t want any other characteristic to be seen but those two. I want to love and love some more. Despite the pain, heartache, and turmoil. I want it to be known that I will never give up on the things that matter in my life. I certainly will never be perfect, but I will do my darndest in trying.
Far from perfect, hurting to the depths of my soul, I will try. I may want to run, may want to fight, but let me never stop caring, feeling, and loving. I want to always keep hope. Don’t you?