It had to be you know, there was no more me living on pins and needles. There was no possible way, I could let you rule the rest of my decisions, for my life left to live.
I had to leave when I did. It was getting so hectic and unbearable. I was virtually a prisoner to the a deck of cards, never knowing when the next card would fall or what it would be. It was not the life I wanted for me.
Familiar was never a reason to stay, and to be treated that way. Love was not going to fight all your demons you had built around yourself and mine too. One of us had to let go. One of us had to love enough to break free. That one who did was me. I loved myself for once in my life, back then, on that day. The day when I turned and waved.
I was desperate but not foolish, I could take care of myself and that I did. Without you, or him, or anyone in my family circle back then. I survived to make a new way, forget past judgements that were thrown my way. I was going to be a better me and live to tell. My own stories of personal hell.
I did it, here I am writing a post on my own webpage, because this time I am the in “charge of” host. I am the one who gets to recall as I see fit, all the darkness , each and every bit. I get to decide to give time to thinking, of the things that help me so tight against the wall to hell back then. I am the one who in all intense description, yet, still lives it over and over again, not you. Never you.
I will manage at times to appear to regress, see myself sometimes crying out and starting to stress. I find that I love you still despite all I choose to let go of. I find I want you in my life despite the cruel ways you use to let me dangle and twist and almost choke my own life out.
I find that pain is no more a server of knowledge, and sometimes gives us enough to carry on. I find myself trudging past all the why’s and what if’s and I find mostly I am still so lost in it… I know it has become like a part of my skin, serving a purpose that I cannot see, a part of forgiveness that I had to give to me. A part that says I am no more a loser and a no good. I am a person who has loved and lost. More lost than been loved. I am a person who caries their heart on their shoulders, and still holds out a hand. I cannot picture me any other kind of man.
I wanted to just tell you, should you ever read, these words I have written and left for you to see,
MwsR<3
No more a prisoner! Hmm, that sounds good if only my eyes and heart would agree!
For Blue holidays were a time where family came over to her house and ate together, opened gifts, or what have you. She enjoyed all the food, and especially the gifts. She really never received anything special except for holidays, or birthdays, like most kids her age.
Her parents were not rich by any means, but they always made sure to get a good gift for her for Christmas, and her birthdays. Easter came in close behind, since she always got a new outfit, shoes, and a much-needed purse to match. She thoroughly loved her mom’s cooking and her grandmother’s cooking as well. She could only hope to be that good of a cook, when she grew up. Usually there was a table full of her favorites, favorites like coleslaw, potatoes salad, deviled eggs, turkey or ham, macaroni and cheese, and biscuits or rolls, just to name a few.
She would fill her plate full of the many foods that she saw. It was as if she thought it was going to be eaten as fast as it was served. Although Blue was petite in stature and trim in weight, she could pack down some food. She often had to recline herself back against the seat where she was eating, to allow time for her body to digest the food and for her to be able to go back to eating. One could say it was an act of freewill, but to Blue she really could not help herself, it was a need.
Blue would often not say too much when the family was gathered together, but that did not keep her from ease-dropping in on their conversations. Often she could not make out exactly what the conversations were about, but she followed along as best she could. Since her parents had always used the phrase, “Children should be seen and not heard”, she often stayed to herself and only speaking when spoken to.
Often Blue had questions she wished to know the answers for but often she did not express them. This was mainly because she figured it would upset, annoy, or get a really bad response from whomever she asked. Blue lacked confidence in herself and often second guessed her instincts. This would certainly pose problems for her later on in life, unless she learned how to trust herself. Sometimes things were scary there in her home and she really needed to listen to her instincts more, to save herself from being hurt.
Holidays offered her a chance to eat all she wanted and to go back for second’s and third’s if there was anything left. The saddest part of holidays were when everyone went their separate ways and said goodbye. For Blue having lots of people around not only kept her safe, but it provided her time for her to be herself, despite the wickedness that surrounded her, when she was alone.
I guess you could say, “Holidays were a much-needed break for her”, not having to fear she actually got to be a little girl. No one even suspected that reason, for in having time together, they were allowing her that little ounce of “kidism” she really needed.
Often, Blue thought that she needed a miracle, and often she just cried because she never had one. If Holidays were made to show those you love how you feel about them, well, it really never did for her. Most little girls dreamed visions of sugar plums, dancing in their heads, she just tried to grasp anything she could, forget the dreams…she only had nightmares.
TO BE CONTINUED…
MwsR ❤
When life gets you down
And turns that smile into a frowns
When taking in criticisms you feel you are about to drown
I hope you know it hurts me too.
When all you want to do is flee
Things that hurt you bounce back to me
It is not as helpless as it seems
When you hurt, I do too.
Whenever silence takes a back seat
The world can be cruel and on your back it will try to beat
Don’t fall down, turn around with your feet
I will be there, whatever hurts you.
Hurts come in all strange ways
Falling from your heart strangling what we want to say
It is okay
Just know you are never alone.
MwsR ❤
You by MwsR
You give your deepest heart affection
Yet still you’ll face deep rejection
Your mind thinks you’re crazy and blind
Your spirit wraps your will up in a bind.
You take from a person whenever you will
But forget about the fact that you care still.
Noone sees the times you’re alone
The times when you feel like your heart seems to roam.
People will take and take without guilt or shame
Why is it they play like they’re playing a game?
You’re tired of users, players, and jokes
Yes, these are some of your friends you include in those folks.
Sadly, it is true
Not everyone truly cares about you.
Die, I think I shall try to avoid doing
I do not want to die, nor should I
Diabetes does not have to kill me
I can fight this thing will my all
I will challenge anything I see fit to challenge
Be it the doctors of the Diabetic Law.
I want to run with the vigor anyone else does
I will not give up without a fight
I can and will beat this terrible thing
Maybe not physically, but mentally.
I do not have to die because I refused to fight
Live, I think so, the most I can
With this disease that will be a stumbling block
But not a road block.
I hate this disease but love living
Not to die but to beat this, in all ways possible.
I am thankful that I escaped
That I left and had the courage that it would take
I am thankful that my heart started to smile
Despite all at that time in my life was senile
I am thankful that I did not fall apart
While trying to separate my heart.
I am thankful that life can be grand
Despite all the hurt that can follow a man.
I am so thankful my love never dried up
That I could forgive and such.
I am most thankful that my life started again
Regardless of all that I went through back then.
I am thankful like a deer that escapes the hunter’s bow
Like a cold frost that can destroy things and then knows when to let go.
I am much thankful for new beginnings
And for being able to hear the songs that birds are singing.
From start to finish, onward I must go
Always striving to see thanksgiving in all I live to know.
MwsR ❤
It’s Gonna Kill Me(thoughts about Diabetes)
By MwsR
It’s going to kill me!
Was what I had in my head immediately.
I can’t afford the medicine
I don’t follow a strict regimen.
Now what will I have to give up in my life?
Will I still be a good wife?
What will people say?
Will they stay with me or walk away?
I can not donate my pancreas or blood
Sort of like a flower stem wishing for a bud.
I have a bad part inside of me,
Never thought this was how my life would be.
Maybe I wasn’t nice enough
Or too tough.
Maybe I deserve my lot
Or all that with Diabetes I’ve got.
These thoughts have entered my mind,
Especially the one that reminds me that with Diabetes you can go blind.
It’s a scary disease.
It makes you want to be able to freeze,
Freeze that good blood sugar,so you want have one that is bad
But truth is this disease really makes me mad.
Makes me mad that I cannot choose what I want to eat or drink.
Mad, because it makes me always have to think.
Sometimes I just want to be at ease with food choices
Sometimes I want to listen to those eat sugar voices.
Mostly though I want to live happily,
Mainly because of my family.
But ultimately I want to give hope and keep hope.
I don’t want to know what it’s like to be at the end of the “survival rope”.
If in words I can share
I will also be able to show that I care.
Mws R Writings 