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Can’t Go Back, thoughts

Often times I sit and wonder. I wonder if a person who has been gone for many years can just decide that they want to go back to a place that was familiar, or to people who once were familiar? Or should they want to?

I left a bad situation(I will call it) over 21 years ago. I was speaking to someone yesterday about “home” and what it should mean to someone who has got one. How a person who has people and family in their lives that really care and want them around, and how they should be grateful. This comes from situations that some find themselves, with a want to be back in the life of someone whom you wish you could go to, but sadly, can’t. I came home thinking about this conversation I had with my friend. I was immediately saddened. What in the world? Was I talking to them or myself?

If I am truly honest with myself, I miss my younger life, the one before all the wrong things happened. I miss the family image, of the people I called family and how much I long for the “what if’s”. If I am honest though, that is not my personal reality. I won’t ever have that. I won’t have that nicely packaged beginning to the end story that some have. I won’t get to share my thoughts, my worries, my dreams, my stuff with that “Idealism” family. I have my immediate family now and that is where my attention and the efforts I make, go to. I feel sad for my children, for my dreams of having an extended family so that they could experience that. But you know, it is not my fault. I was the one who was mistreated. I was the one who was given no other choice.

Like many others, I struggle writing about this personal stuff. I am almost afraid of writing it because they might see it, hahaha. Isn’t that a kick in the pants? They removed me, I am afraid of them reading my writing, and all. That is ironic. I need to write to share my experiences with others, it is to help others not feel so alone or isolated. Others need to know that this happens to not just them but others. I think I can help others by sharing.

See the source image

Now don’t get me wrong in that, I had all bad days living with my family. Because I did not. I do have fond memories at various stages in my life. But the hidden truth was the part f me that tried to survive back then, well it created happiness where it could find it. I was the only one who knew what was going on with me, until a certain age, adulthood. I told the person I believed would have my back thru thick and thin, but that was not happening. Not in my case. Perhaps this person had many things to deal with on their own. Maybe they themselves were fighting some of their own demons. I guess they could of even been prisoner to their own choices in life. I was just a mere battle, in their own war. I will never know, I guess.

If someday I can look back without great sorrow, I will, at last, be free. Free of the burden of the “what if’s”, at least I hope. 21 years is a long time. It is a hard life when you question everything from back then. It is hard to imagine how lives that were supposed to have you in the picture, have never even wanted to have you there.

I will focus on my immediate family and so should you if you are in the same “boat”. I implore you to look ahead and not behind you, in a way that affects your now and future.

Please don’t waste your love, your opportunities, your thoughts searching and wondering. Life has a way of giving back what you put forth into it. I know.

Thanks for reading. MwsR

More at a later date.

And I shall see you on this side of the rainbow.

Thank you for reading 🙂

Thoughts are getting real up in here…

abstract alphabet arrangement away

Seemed not that long ago. I had a house full of my children and their things. Now my house can get so quite and still. I really miss the days when I was their favorite person, and the person they wanted to be near or grow to be like.  Kids grow up way too fast, it is not just a saying, they really do.  I sometimes feel like they not only outgrew their childhood but me and their dad as well. I guess all parents feel sort of this way in some point along the path of parenthood. I try to see positive things mostly with my kids and not so much their negative aspects. So when my mind travels back into their childhood and all I find that, that time was the sweetest, best time of my life. I can only hope they recall it with as much fondness.

So…

I am not feeling the “empty nest” yet. I am on my way though. I have my two grandkids and their mom, my daughter living with me right now. I have to admit it is a joy to see my grandkids and having my chance to do it all again, as far as teaching them and nurturing them. I think I was always destined to be around children and I am almost sure I was to be a teacher. If circumstances had not steered me away from teaching, I would had been one, I am almost certain. I have always tried to look at things through a kid’s eye. Children are innately innocent and they have such wondrous curiosity for the world around them, They fail to see the bad first in people and they often times imagine that they can be anything they want to be. I try to always remain hopeful as an adult but adulthood can be discouraging. After all we have things that don’t work the same, as far as our bodies. As an adult we have limitations and sometimes our outlook stems from something that has happened to us, be it good or bad, from our own life. That can cause a dimmer outlook, and sometimes can be the sole reason we do not try again or we fail to keep working towards something. Kids outlooks are not jaded, usually, and in that frame they can accomplish great things. For them learning to write is among the first things that leads to better things, if you are a kid. See where I am going with that, kids fear very little and do not have preconceived notions that stop them from doing what they want to do or learning what they want to learn or limits ass to where they can go, in a way.

Well…

I am writing this as I have been thinking long and hard on the many changes in our lives that we go through. I even wrote a poem about the “Stages of our Life”. My hopes are that no matter what happens in our own life that we take the necessary steps to never give up, stop dreaming or living. We adults, same as kids, need hope. As adults we need to flourish, and we need to remember our past life as a learning teachable moment, no matter what. Good or bad it deserves to serve a purpose. It is just that I am getting older, things are certainly changing in my life and I want to still enjoy it. I want to have fun, have peace and cherish what time I do have left on this earth.

If mistakes are keeping you from climbing that mountain you have been on, change things up. Go a different route or maybe stop and play in a creek or stream along the way. It is even okay if you stop and just rest for a short time, ass long as you make it to the place you wish to go. We are not our mistakes, we are not our past regrets, we don’t have to be just here.

Okay so…

Not sure why I felt the need to blog this out in type but if it helps you, then maybe it was for that purpose.

Thanks for reading, please comment , like, share, or follow me.

MwsR <3

 

 

Thank you for reading 🙂

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