PAST by MwsR
Sometimes the past comes up near your face
No where to run, no chance trying to escape
You’ll see it in familiar people’s faces
Words that you overhear
Similar for instances
Same pathways trod
It will mock the new you you’ve become
You will never be able to out run
So you must not linger
This is the way of things
The way life does
Our past serves as a remembrance of things
It makes us a realist.
There is no other way to explain this.
WE Are Not Perfect,
It is not merely living in this old world that we must do
It is in showing love to someone that cares about you
In finding happiness in the smallest of things
Even if for a short time , the smile it brings
One must repent when they do something wrong
One must try to live in harmony like a song
If ever sadness that you may have sent
Try to forgive yourself so you’re not bent
We learn by errors, and lessons we face
Errors do not have to hold us in that lowly place
Whenever people choose to forgive
They not only start to live
But ungrudgingly give
For us all to exist, to resist, to persist, there must be a greater purpose
There first must be a surface from which to start
One that does not crumble,
One that withstands all the grumble,
In order to achieve , receive, believe there must be a better place
Whether it is inside us or in front of us, or in that infinite space
Find it, capture it, share it.
Forgive, receive, believe
Don’t let past mistakes, past judgments, past actions keep you a prisoner.
Forgive others, forgive yourself, you are just human after all and we are sinful from birth.
Make amends when you can or however you can try not to repeat the same mistakes, move ahead without looking back and staying trapped.
Try not to get overwhelmed
Tell those around you how much you care and love them while you can still do it.
Remember everybody struggles, everybody messes up, everybody deserves to be happy and be loved.
TO all my friends that know this struggle, I wish you peace.
Ah, a visit from the past
Has yet again taken my peace
I often throw caution to the wind
But this time, it was like I was pinned.
It did something
Something, I stand so hard against
Yet still it kept me in its circumstance.
After the thought and past refkection
I wept to help clear my soul
But alas, its still firm hold!
Never knew trying was so hard
And that it would flip the switch, the way it did, today
If I’m to heal, how much more must I try to say?
What is left?
Apparently, my heart
I felt it tugging at me, pressing me to be smart
I failed to head its warning to me
Now I am so scared,of the who I came to be.
That is not what is being free.
Burden has become a plate I lack the hunger for
Yet, it piles on more and more.
Wishing to be free,
If thats possible for me.
Often times I sit and wonder. I wonder if a person who has been gone for many years can just decide that they want to go back to a place that was familiar, or to people who once were familiar? Or should they want to?
I left a bad situation(I will call it) over 21 years ago. I was speaking to someone yesterday about “home” and what it should mean to someone who has got one. How a person who has people and family in their lives that really care and want them around, and how they should be grateful. This comes from situations that some find themselves, with a want to be back in the life of someone whom you wish you could go to, but sadly, can’t. I came home thinking about this conversation I had with my friend. I was immediately saddened. What in the world? Was I talking to them or myself?
If I am truly honest with myself, I miss my younger life, the one before all the wrong things happened. I miss the family image, of the people I called family and how much I long for the “what if’s”. If I am honest though, that is not my personal reality. I won’t ever have that. I won’t have that nicely packaged beginning to the end story that some have. I won’t get to share my thoughts, my worries, my dreams, my stuff with that “Idealism” family. I have my immediate family now and that is where my attention and the efforts I make, go to. I feel sad for my children, for my dreams of having an extended family so that they could experience that. But you know, it is not my fault. I was the one who was mistreated. I was the one who was given no other choice.
Like many others, I struggle writing about this personal stuff. I am almost afraid of writing it because they might see it, hahaha. Isn’t that a kick in the pants? They removed me, I am afraid of them reading my writing, and all. That is ironic. I need to write to share my experiences with others, it is to help others not feel so alone or isolated. Others need to know that this happens to not just them but others. I think I can help others by sharing.
Now don’t get me wrong in that, I had all bad days living with my family. Because I did not. I do have fond memories at various stages in my life. But the hidden truth was the part f me that tried to survive back then, well it created happiness where it could find it. I was the only one who knew what was going on with me, until a certain age, adulthood. I told the person I believed would have my back thru thick and thin, but that was not happening. Not in my case. Perhaps this person had many things to deal with on their own. Maybe they themselves were fighting some of their own demons. I guess they could of even been prisoner to their own choices in life. I was just a mere battle, in their own war. I will never know, I guess.
If someday I can look back without great sorrow, I will, at last, be free. Free of the burden of the “what if’s”, at least I hope. 21 years is a long time. It is a hard life when you question everything from back then. It is hard to imagine how lives that were supposed to have you in the picture, have never even wanted to have you there.
I will focus on my immediate family and so should you if you are in the same “boat”. I implore you to look ahead and not behind you, in a way that affects your now and future.
Please don’t waste your love, your opportunities, your thoughts searching and wondering. Life has a way of giving back what you put forth into it. I know.
Thanks for reading. MwsR
More at a later date.
And I shall see you on this side of the rainbow.