Tag: Holidays

Holiday Mental Health Tips

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Adoption/Holidays, hurt! Thoughts

I always have a hard time during the Holiday season. It is like someone found a knife that has been stuck inside me all my life and slowly they twist it, and it reminds me it is there… MwsR ❤

If I can be honest with you, it is hard to imagine a holiday season that has not brought me equal shares of joy and pain. I have a lovely immediate family and you would think that they alone could heal my broken heart. Sadly, no  one ever can, not really. I am my own worst reminder of things that could have been…

We have all been there and done that. We can be our own worst enemies when that happens.

I hate having to “wish upon a star”, I want all the stars wish for me!!!!!!!!

I am tired of feeling lost, unconnected, forgotten, dismissed, and so forth. For me, it is in relation to my childhood and my adoption. I know that part, I really do. I have an issue with all of it, how I was deceived, lost, and well…not thought of. I should of had many years side by side with those that I so desperately searched for my whole young and young adult life.

This is just me, being as real as I can be!

So much time has passed, so many lies left unsolved, so many wrong decisions, and so little cherished moments. Sometimes I actually must be having a pity party for myself, because it feels so all-consuming and like I am a rat in a trap, with no way to ever escape.

I feel cheated, I feel lots of sorrow, lots of hurt. I may never truly heal from all the damage that those I looked to. to be my helpers and parents, and caregivers and such, have done. I am angry, sad and in a whole lot of confusion. I wish I knew why my life turned out into what it did, and why no one ever wanted me to know my birth family and why it was that others kept me from those who would go on to be a great part in who I am and became. Holidays remind me of that, all of that and more.

Holidays are definitely not for me to feel special or good , I have come to this conclusion. I must just accept that the past should stay past and I should move forward and without regret. EASIER SAID THAN DONE. I sometimes think, I could swap my life from someone else’s but what good would that be, I mean really. I do not know anyone I would want to switch lives with. I would not have my husband, kids the family I have now.

I guess I will try and quit whining. I have a good life, people that love me and a life that makes me better, want to do better, and helps me want to be a good person.

Moral of this story….”whining”

It is to make the most of every day you have been given and to go forward and not stay in the past. A person’s past can and often does make a prisoner of those who go there. Being adopted was not the worst thing in my life, and it really should of never been bad to begin with. It was though, and in living through it, moving through it and past it, I have some valuable lessons in the school of mankind. I take with me the ability to stay back in that hurt and pain or to help others move from their own. I can help others to feel that there is a way from all the past  mistakes, hurts, and grasps of those who seek to hurt us. We can empower others, ourselves and we can move into a beautiful place with our lives.

Holidays are such a reminder of things that could have been , for me… They do not have to be for you. I can take that memory and lay it down when I get tired, when I feel anxiety or pressure. I can take those feelings and place them at the feet of the one in whom I believe has the power to carry those burdens for me, his name is Jesus. He alone not any man, can help me, can help you and can help anyone who desperately seeks his help.

No I am not trying to force a religious view on you, or help you to accept Jesus, that i your own decision, you alone make that . But I am here to help others in what I do or do not write, what I say or do not say… You get the jest. Please do not let past things take your future joy, your future peace or your future.

Will Holidays always suck for me? Yes and NO. I can choose what to allow into my inner peace. So can you! See just typing this different outlook than I started out with.

Here is to a wonderful Holiday season for all and a remembrance of the strength you have inside yourself, and that it has always been there.

MwsR ❤

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Blue…Holidays

For Blue holidays were a time where family came over to her house and ate together, opened gifts, or what have you. She enjoyed all the food, and especially the gifts. She really never received anything special except for holidays, or birthdays, like most kids her age.

Her parents were not rich by any means, but they always made sure to get a good gift for her for Christmas, and her birthdays. Easter came in close behind, since she always got a new outfit, shoes, and a much-needed purse to match. She thoroughly loved her mom’s cooking and her grandmother’s cooking as well. She could only hope to be that good of a cook, when she grew up. Usually there was a table full of her favorites, favorites like coleslaw, potatoes salad, deviled eggs, turkey or ham, macaroni and cheese, and biscuits or rolls, just to name a few.

She would fill her plate full of the many foods that she saw. It was as if she thought it was going to be eaten as fast as it was served. Although Blue was petite in stature and trim in weight, she could pack down some food. She often had to recline herself back against the seat where she was eating, to allow time for her body to digest the food and for her to be able to go back to eating. One could say it was an act of freewill, but to Blue she really could not help herself, it was a need.

Blue would often not say too much when the family was gathered together, but that did not keep her from ease-dropping in on their conversations. Often she could not make out exactly what the conversations were about, but she followed along as best she could. Since her parents had always used the phrase, “Children should be seen and not heard”, she often stayed to herself and only speaking when spoken to.

Often Blue had questions she wished to know the answers for but often she did not express them. This was mainly because she figured it would upset, annoy, or get a really bad response from whomever she asked. Blue lacked confidence in herself and often second guessed her instincts. This would certainly pose problems for her later on in life, unless she learned how to trust herself. Sometimes things were scary there in her home and she really needed to listen to her instincts more, to save herself from being hurt.

Holidays offered her a chance to eat all she wanted and to go back for second’s and third’s if there was anything left. The saddest part of holidays were when everyone went their separate ways and said goodbye. For Blue having lots of people around not only kept her safe, but it provided her time for her to be herself, despite the wickedness that surrounded her, when she was alone.

I guess you could say, “Holidays were a much-needed break for her”, not having to fear she actually got to be a little girl. No one even suspected that reason, for in having time together, they were allowing her that little ounce of “kidism” she really needed.

Often, Blue thought that she needed a miracle, and often she just cried because she never had one. If Holidays were made to show those you love how you feel about them, well, it really never did for her. Most little girls dreamed visions of sugar plums, dancing in their heads, she just tried to grasp anything she could, forget the dreams…she only had nightmares.

 

TO BE CONTINUED…

MwsR ❤

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Mental Health Holiday Tips

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