Blue was adopted. She knew the family that adopted her was her biological relatives. Her Aunt adopted her and she was being raised alongside her (cousins) a brother and sister. She had no idea of her birth mom or that she had a biological sister. This would take until she was an adult to find out.
Blue was the middle-aged child in the family dynamics. She was freckled faced and blue eyed. She was petite in stature and had light brown hair. She had a birthmark on her left side of her neck, it ran under her chin and onto her chin just a dab. She often felt self-conscious of it and would hide it with turtle neck shirts and collared shirts. She was somewhat a tomboy but loved getting dolled up and made pretty, too.
Blue was shy and often she felt awkward at talking to others. She was rather popular and outgoing at school but not around adults. She sometimes had many questions but remained silent. She would much rather talk to the birds and creatures, then any human. Reserved and guarded she would sometimes carry on conversations with an adult, but usually, she just listened with a curious ear.
Blue was great at singing solos and in her school choir. She felt that singing was one of her gifts in life and often sang in her church choir, as well as her schools choir. Sometimes she would sing for the congregation during Sunday services. This brought her much peace and made her feel accomplished and appreciated. She always said, she was better at singing than talking.
Often, Blue would go out of her way to make someone feel good and she often would extend a conversation to the kids at school whom others would make fun of. Blue was caring and thoughtful to those whom she saw being mistreated or ostracized. This was just because blue carried empathy for others. She knew all the feelings of being left out, sad and hurt…
Blue’s father that had adopted her was not a good dad. He would look at Blue like something other than a daughter. He would come to be the reason Blue distrusts people and has a hard time believing what they say. No one in Blue’s life hurt her as bad as her dad. Her mother was someone Blue loved dearly, but in time her mother would find it hard to have a good relationship with Blue. Her mother had many demons of her own and often sheltered or tried to control Blue to the point that Blue never felt safe. Her mother knew about her dad’s issue and gave a blind eye to them. This would hurt Blue tremendously and ultimately ruin their relationship.
Blue never felt safe at home. She felt a prisoner in her own family’s house. She was not allowed to go outside and play often times, because her mother was afraid someone would kidnap her. She would often go spend the night with a friend and see how a normal family acted. Blue had a hard time understanding all that would go on in her home. Blue never gave up hope for a better life, a better kind of healthy love, and a life that would bring her blessings and a family of her own.
Please follow along in the stories of Blue.
To be continued…
One does not what one will do until they find themselves in a particular situation.
Easter, ah, the time when eggs get dyed, candy is given, and there is a big meal for the family…
Easter was one of the best holidays for Blue. She would get a new dress, a pair of new shoes, along with a new purse. Her mother would go all out for that holiday. At least during her younger years until her teenage years, this sort of ritual happened. She usually enjoyed all the relentless preparations for Sunday Easter service at her church. Every Easter you would see kids dressed up in their new clothes and things. It was part of the celebration of Easter when Christ rose from the dead and rose again. On this holiday, the church congregation would participate in the Last Supper. It was for those who were the age of accountability, meaning the ones who were old enough to be saved, know right from wrong, and so forth..
The Sunday service usually started with a sunrise sermon, which was always early on Easter Sunday, like around 7 a.m. The church people would gather outside and light candles while admiring the sunrise. This would be because it was in remembrance of Christ rising from the grave after being crucified. After that, they would go into the church and have an Easter message from the preacher about Easter, and followed by the Last Supper, or meeting around the altar, partaking of bread and juice. Those symbolized Christ’s body and his blood. A hard concept for a young person. Blue often visualized that kind of thing in her head. It not only made her squeamish but sad for all Christ went through.
After Sunday services, and as they headed home, Blue’s family would come together at her house. it seemed to be the family place where they shared holiday meals. Blue’s belly often growled because of the wonderful smells coming from the kitchen. It was probably the best food she had ever eaten. Usually, there was a big ham, potato salad, deviled eggs, slaw, sweet potatoes, and corn, followed with green bean casserole and so much more. Blue often snuck bites from things that were placed on the table, before anyone took notice. It was always delicious. One thing Blue knew, her family sure could cook. One day Blue knew she too would cook great.
After the meal, there was a period of just sitting and having conversations and checking out all the goodies given to her by the “Easter Bunny”, and then the great Easter egg hunt. it was fun finding all the colored Easter Eggs but Blue often wondered why this silly tradition even existed. What was the purpose for it all? Blue knew that Easter really was not about all that hubbub, but about Christ’s love and sacrifice for us. Blue never forgot what happened to Christ and she always tried to be thankful. Often, the Easter Bible Story was read, and she visualized the moments that led to it all.
Despite all the things that happened in her home, Blue still knew how much she had to be thankful for. She always prayed to be a good person and always tried to enjoy the good moments when she could. Not every day was bad for her, but sometimes all she had was the joy the good times gave her, that is why she remembered.
Remembering on the good things can push back the not so good times. Sometimes, that is all we have.
Blue never really understood why she was hurting someone’s feelings if she asked questions about where she came from and things of that nature. It just seemed natural that she would want to know the people who brought her into the world and gave her up for adoption. She was pretty sure if the tables were turned they would want to know too.
Never did it occur to her that the family who adopted her would wish to keep the information surrounding her adoption a secret. She was wanting to know who she walked like, who she talked like, whose eyes she inherited and so forth. Never did it cross her mind that that would be taken as a slight against the adopted family. She loved them and merely wanted to know simple things. She had always ben very inquisitive but mainly kept her questions to herself because she was always told, “Kids should be seen and not heard”, ugh. She never agreed with that, not one bit. After al it was her life she was inquiring about and she deserved her questions answered.
Her adopted family did not se things the same as her, though. They really got aggravated and angry or dismissive when she approached them, any of them. One way or the other she would get her answers and she knew just how to go about getting that done. She would sneak around the house where she knew her mother kept private things, or things of value. She would have to wait till she had time alone at her home or a time when left alone. She hidden her mother put things away and she knew exactly where she would go looking. She also knew if she ever got caught , there would be hell to pay. Not to mention, the opportunity might not come again.
So to plan her scavenging, she needed to know about what everyone in the household would be doing in the following days ahead. She wanted to do things sooner, rather than later, if she could. Anticipation was getting the best of her. She would take some glances of things while she pretended to do her chores, such as dusting. This would be the perfect coverup for her snooping. She was really betting that there was so much she would be able to find, especially in her mother’s chest of drawers. That would be her first place to look.
Why was it that the family thought she had no right to know anything about those who gave her life? She really just could not get that they kept the things most important to her, in their own minds. It was rightfully hers to know. Did they not believe that she could hurt to? That she had feelings that really mattered? Of course it was looking like they did not care to share. But that would al be taken care of son enough, doing it her way. Blue was determined, and she really could hurt too.
It had rained all dang day and Blue could not stand it. She had always hated days where it rained. This was because she could not go outside. If she couldn’t go outside, she could not imagine. If Blue wouldn’t use her imagination she felt sad. Blue had always been good at imagining. For as long as she could remember, the world she imagined in her head was and had been better than the real world. Today, it seemed like a lost cause.
As Blue got into doing her homework she found herself getting bored. The same old stuff every evening for homework. First, she did her spelling words and then read the chapters in her history book, followed with her answer and questions given by her teachers. She really thought most of this was just busy work. She wished she had something else to do besides homework but sadly, no. So Blue took her time this evening going all her assignments. She heard her mom and dad arguing and tried to eavesdrop in on what they were upset about. Usually, her dad would do a lot of shouting, slamming of cabinet doors, and stomping. Her mom usually was trying to explain or calm him down. This could sometimes last got minutes but mostly lasted for the rest of the evening. Her dad would low up then leave, and return later on and pick up where he left off at.
Usually, if the arguing was in the evening, supper was delayed and no one really ate together. That is if they came to eat. If her dad was angry her mom would leave the food out for him. This would be difficult because her mom would not eat and she and her brother would have to figure out what to fo., on their own. It created such a cloud of disdain that because of it, us kids would not even leave our rooms to get food. This made the nighttime hard, usually, Blue would do hungry she couldn’t sleep.
Well, this evening would be that way. Tonight Blue would go to bed without any supper. Not to mention, sadness at the fact her parents were so mad at each other. She never did catch ear of what it was they were arguing about. Probably something to do with the church. Who knows. Often her dad was mad and wouldn’t like her mom going to evening church services, but despite his feelings, her mom would still try to go. Blue kind of admired her mom’s tenacity. Although, mostly Blue did not understand her dad’s fight against her mom going. Blue just wished it would stop.
Blue found herself in this yucky day, yucky weather, hungry, and bored, and sad. So what did Blue do but lie in bed using her imagination? She found herself talking to God. With thunder and lightning from outside Blue’s room lit up with each strike of lightning which led Blue to use that in her talk with God. Blue asked God to answer her with thunder or a flash of lightning. Lightning stood for yes. Thunder stood for a no.
Now Blue was not sure if she would actually get God to go along with it but she was ready to try. After all, she had lots of questions. Some questions were about her parents. She would ask things like, ” Do they love me?”, or”Will they ever divorce?”. Blue just needed to know things. It was in her nature. Surely Hod understood it all. At least she hoped he would.
Blue always tried to get God’s answers that a way. All of her childhood she would seek his answers through a time of storms. She never really knew though if God liked it. Something’s she never asked of him. The one thing she did was, ”Can I be loved?”, God would answer her, but they never were answered the same. Somewhere in between her wants and needs she just needed to be loved. To Blue it was simple, either you did or you did not.
”Oh , if life were that simple! ”,she often thought.
The time line for this story was the teenage years of Blue, she was around 15 and still unaware of most things in her life around then. Un-expectantly, she had a visit from someone she did not recognize.
Story
Blue was alone this particular day, as she was most days while school was out and her parents had to work. Her brother was visiting a friend. She had the whole house to herself. Times like this was very nice for her. She could walk around the house freely and enjoy playing her music as loud as she wished. Music had been her constant companion since she first discovered it. There was several different genres that she enjoyed. Frankly, almost anything out on the radio was her favorite. She knew the words to almost everything and had no qualms about singing them out loud.
Today Blue was going to organize the bathroom closet. Why? Because she wanted to , and especially since she was not made to. She enjoyed pretending that her parents house was hers and that she was in charge. Part of that imagination led her to change things up a bit. She loved changing the layout of things, because she got bored real easy. She was constantly trying to win her mother’s approval to and since organizing the bathroom closet was something she enjoyed, she was also hoping for “brownie points” from her mother, in doing it.
She turned up her music so loud she guessed the neighbors could hear it. She really did not care, music was on, the sun was shinning and she was going to play around with organizing a bathroom closet that was in diar need of being done. She went to the front door, made sure it was locked, checked the back door to, she did not want anyone coming in on her while she was at the back of the house. So, she set forth to organize that bathroom closet.
She proceeded to take out things one by one until all the shelfs in the closet were empty. Next she went into work mode by folding and sorting the towels and the wash cloths that lay in the floor. She thought she would sort them by their colors and switch things up a bit by placing a wash cloth and a towel of likeness together. She proceeded to fold the wash cloth up in the towel and set them on the shelfs, one by one. She just knew that her mother was going to love this. No more searching for a washcloth to match a towel. She thought it was rather “genius” of herself.
This went on for the next hour and when the bathroom closet was finished, she took a long look at it and was very pleased. She also could not wait till her mother saw how nice and convenient things were now in that closet. Sometimes, while she was doing little things like this she felt proud of herself and felt that she was going to make herself invaluable to her parents.
She really did not know that she should have been valuable even if she never helped out around the house. All kids should be valuable to their parents regardless of what they do or what they don’t do.
The next thing she decided to do was to get her some soup to eat because she was getting hungry. Tomato soup was her go to soup and her favorite to eat. Especially when she ate it with saltines crackers. She knew her mother would not like it anyway, if she ate something else. She turned off her music and turned on her tv. There was a show called, Bonanza”, and it was one of her favorites. Back in those days, there was not much to watch on tv and you had a pick of about three channels to watch. Kids watched cartoons on weekends and sometimes afternoons after school. No much variety but the shows had a lot more depth then. Morals were shown on almost every channel and there wasn’t any real bad to watch programs. Blue loved being able to watch movies. Her mother watched soap operas and she liked them to, but movies were her favorite.
As she was heating her soup up in a pot he heard what sounded to be a knock on the front door. She was thinking to herself that her mind was playing tricks on her. Then suddenly as if a second later, there came another knock. She went to the front windows and peered through the curtains. A car she did not recognize was out in the driveway. There was a person whom she could not really get a good look at, standing outside the front door. Blue knew her mother forbade her to open the door for anyone while her parents were not there. She also knew that she would be in big trouble if she did. Her curiosity was getting thee best of her She figured she would call her mother at her work and get further instruction on what to do. She headed to the phone when she heard the person outside say, “I am your aunt”, and she was in shock. Blue was thinking to herself on who this really was, while dialing her mother’s work number. Her mother got on the ohone and she told her that a lady who said she was her aunt was standing out front of her house. Her mother told her to go ahead and open the door and that her aunt Jean was there, she was guessing.
Blue hung up from talking to her mother, and went to the front door to open it. There in front of her stood a woman. The woman was a little taller than her, with greyish black hair. This woman was very thin, looked to be about 80 pounds. She was dressed in a fake fur coat. Immediately this woman, Blue’s aunt, gave her a big hug and said, “You must be Blue?” Blue said, “yes and who are you?” The woman replied she was her mother’s sister from Washington. Blue invited her in and told her that Blue’s mother was coming home and would arrive shortly. As she sat there she found herself staring at the woman she barely recognized. It was an awkward quietness. Blue did not know how to strike a conversation with her.
The awkward silence could have been cut by a knife it was so thick. Blue offered her aunt a drink or something and that started a conversation. Blue’s aunt asked her if she knew who she was at first. Blue said she did not recognize her at all. Then her aunt proceeded to tell Blue that she had leukemia and had lost so much weight. She said she was wanting to come and visit her sister and her family before she could no longer travel. She also said she was very sick, She informed Blue that she was 74 pounds, and that she was probably dying. Wow, that was a lot for Blue to take in at once. Blue was very sad for her aunt and could not wrap her head around this thing called Leukemia. She did not know exactly what that was.
It was hard looking at the face of someone who was potentially dying. Someone who was her aunt and she never even knew her. She was puzzled as to why she did not know all this already, and why she had not grown to know her. This was a lot to take in and Blue had so many questions she wanted to ask, but she knew she better not. Her mother made it very clear on the phone to say very little to her aunt and to mind her own business. Then Blue saw her mother coming in the door and Blue figured she would learn more about her aunt. Blue was wrong though, as soon as her mother got there she sent Blue to her room, and whatever was spoken in the living room, Blue could not ease drop on because it was like they were whispering. This was puzzling.
It was not very long after being sent to her room, that Blue heard the car start-up and then saw her aunt leaving. It was not very long, especially for someone who came from Washington state to visit. What really hurt was that her aunt was dying and she never even knew her or got to say goodbye. Blue knew that something was not right with the whole thing. It was not normal to have family come visit and them not be offered a place to stay or some time spent with the family they came to see. What in the world?
Some things like that day, stayed forever in Blue’s mind. She did not understand those types of situations. They happened more often than not.
There is just something about the things we recall from a young age and the different one we have when we recall as adults.
Blue always had things that held special significance to her and thru her childhood. The one she remembers fondly is the Ford Torino. The family owned a royal blue Torino. This car was so huge it felt like a house on wheels to Blue. The color was one she favored, because she felt a fondness towards blue things in comparison to her blue eyes. It was something she had heard time and time again, how her eyes were the loveliest color of blue. She identified with blue a lot, thus her name was Blue, too.
This Torino was not the first family car she remembered. The family had owned a VW bug when she was smaller and it was just her and her big sister. When her brother came along the family got this Torino to accommodate the family dynamics. Back in this time and era, no one was required to wear a seatbelt. It was not made into law when she was small, so she could ride anywhere she wanted.
Sometimes Blue rode in the floorboard. She loved how every bump in the road was felt. She enjoyed the bouncing when they rode over a pothole or bump. She often would lay on her back in the floorboard and look out the windows of that Torino and follow along with her eyes everything that flew past. It was so cool for her to lay there and just enjoy. Fairly often she would climb onto the back dash and lay there. Imagine the people who saw that! A kid riding in the back window of the big blue car. She did not care to think about things of that nature, she just enjoyed her time, whenever she could.
This car, she often thought would be a great boat. She often imagined that the car could float. This car resembled a boat to her. It had a very large hood and front. She could just see herself riding a top the hood as the car floated on the river. She often thought it would be cool to put some flowery curtains in the windows of that car, and make a little cabin inside. This car had great potential, she thought.
Blue thought this car was special. There was just something about it. It could have been the room it had in it, or maybe the wide windows , or perhaps the large leather seats were the most appealing part. It really was hard to pinpoint why she loved it, she just did. She liked the idea that she never had to sit right on top of her big sister when they went out and about. That was a definite plus. Nothing worse than being cramped while riding to and from some place. She most definitely hated that.
Sometimes when her dad was driving to the store, he would turn the wheels left and right in a fashion that slid her from one side to the other. This was due in part to the large bench back seat. It was slicker than glass. Her little self slid back and forth so easy when her dad turned curves. If her dad was in a bad mood and angry, she knew that he would sling her around. His driving was rough when he was in a bad mood, Often she was asked to tag along to the store and back, He always liked her company it seemed.
She never questioned that kind of attention. Perhaps she should had, but she was just naïve little girl who assumed the world was a good place. In her home she assumed the same.
There just was something good about going to Blue’s grandmother’s house, it was some of the best of times for her.
Blue was always asking her father when he was going to see his mother, her grandmother, and she eagerly awaited the conformation that he was. She would accompany him, and it was worth it, because there was nothing like being at her grandmother’s house. Absolutely nothing! Her grandmother lived with her sister, Blue’s Great Aunt. They both were different in many ways but they were so great.
Blue would sometimes get permission to sleep over at their house and she always took advantage of the time there. She had a whole lot of neat places in their woods out back and she found cool stuff there, outside. She learned a lot about gardening and creatures, like snakes, turtles, etc. There was always something cool to explore and learn. Her grandmother was real modest and outspoken, but she liked that about her.
Blue’s Great Aunt was the religious kind and she read her Bible every day at breakfast, while sipping her coffee and eating the soaked saltines she added to it. Blue thought that was very strange indeed, but still it was cool. Her aunt always did cleaning and washing and hanging clothes, domestic stuff. inside the house is where you most often found her Aunt. Her aunt was not a fan of bugs or snakes or bees and such. She liked staying indoors more than being outside. She would usually be found doing her crossword puzzles when she had finished all her inside the house chores.
Blue’s Grandmother was the outdoor type. She was the one who could shoot a gun, drive the car, fix the best food, and any other thing outside that she could do. On her porch was a rattler from a rattle snake she made into a rattle that you could shake, it had a wood handle and was sprayed with clear paint to make it shine. It was odd but cool none the less. Blue thought there was no one in the world tough as her Grandmother and thought that her Grandmother was the smartest person she had ever met.
Her grandmother owned a Collie named Lady, and a duck named Screech, and two smaller, inside dogs named Frisky, and Sugar. Her grandmother loved poodles and Chihuahuas. She also had owned ducks, geese, and rosters. I guess you could say she was an animal lover. Ha ha. Blue always loved to play and pet on the many animals there was at that house. It was like being at a zoo sometimes. There really was no place that she would rather be, especially in the summer and in the evenings.
Her Father would go every evening to see his mother. He liked taking her mail to her and getting a cake of cornbread. She baked him one every single day. It was hot and fresh and wrapped up in tinfoil. Blue often snuck a pinch of the crispy crust when no one was looking. It was almost too irresistible. The best cornbread she had ever tasted. Her mother would put it crumbled up in a tall glass of buttermilk. Yum, yum.
Being at the Grandmother and Great Aunt’s house was a much-needed reprieve for her. Since her home was so hectic most of the time, and a scary place a lot of the time, she really was in a happy place being at their house. It was a place where she could be a kid, stay up late at night watching, “Saturday Night Live” or comedy shows, all while eating whatever her heart desired. Her Grandmother was a stickler for a person needing to eat well. She said a person could not go to sleep without a bedtime snack. Heck, it was not like that at home. She had a long stretch from supper to bed without anything else to eat, other than what had been for supper. Not to mention she was watched like a hawk. Food was not free to choose at her house. Never had been.
Once she asked her Grandmother if she could move in and live with them at their house. Her Grandmother just smiled and said, “You can always come here, but you live at your house.”
Is that what a person called “living”?
She did not think so. So many times she really thought about talking to her Grandmother about things at home, and even talking to her Great Aunt but she did not think that was a good idea, because after all she was the Mother of her Father, and she knew how strong a bond that was. She never wanted to jeopardize her Grandmother and Great Aunt’s relationship with her. After all, they would just would never believe her, anyhow!
. Blue would quietly keep all her darkest secrets inside. After all a life with some love was better than a life without anyone’s love.
because she felt a fondness towards blue things in comparison to her blue eyes. It was something she had heard time and time again, how her eyes were the loveliest color of blue. She identified with blue a lot, thus her name was Blue, too.
Mws R Writings 