Time brings to one’s attention things
Memories past and some special days
Judgments from others cast a shadow
Unreasonable actions, really do matter.
What makes a heart grow dim?
Maybe a person, place, or them.
The things or persons who ignite your soul’s flame
Often get taken for granted and often left out in the rain.
We become callous to things that are corrupt or evil
After all, if they don’t touch us, we just let things dishevel.
Going through this life can be demanding
Usually, it’s the rich or fortunate left standing.
Sometimes someone will get their comeuppance
Or receive an inheritance.
Life is oddly fair at times
At other times we have to read between the lines.
Passer`-byers are merely friends you have not met yet
Friends can become strangers with regret.
The cycle of life makes no apologies
It will only benefit or destroy both you and me.
The only hope when it’s all said and done
Is will you be a heavenly one?
Or will you do like some
And outlive a pardon that was paid for you and me
One that gives all men victory
One that sends you to the heavenly home
Where all sadness, all sorrow will be gone.
Choose today where this life can take you.
Or crumble until you change what you do
Don’t let this poem make you blue.
It is merely to reflect.
Be more than your regret.
All rights reserved. MwsR2022@
Often times I sit and wonder. I wonder if a person who has been gone for many years can just decide that they want to go back to a place that was familiar, or to people who once were familiar? Or should they want to?
I left a bad situation(I will call it) over 21 years ago. I was speaking to someone yesterday about “home” and what it should mean to someone who has got one. How a person who has people and family in their lives that really care and want them around, and how they should be grateful. This comes from situations that some find themselves, with a want to be back in the life of someone whom you wish you could go to, but sadly, can’t. I came home thinking about this conversation I had with my friend. I was immediately saddened. What in the world? Was I talking to them or myself?
If I am truly honest with myself, I miss my younger life, the one before all the wrong things happened. I miss the family image, of the people I called family and how much I long for the “what if’s”. If I am honest though, that is not my personal reality. I won’t ever have that. I won’t have that nicely packaged beginning to the end story that some have. I won’t get to share my thoughts, my worries, my dreams, my stuff with that “Idealism” family. I have my immediate family now and that is where my attention and the efforts I make, go to. I feel sad for my children, for my dreams of having an extended family so that they could experience that. But you know, it is not my fault. I was the one who was mistreated. I was the one who was given no other choice.
Like many others, I struggle writing about this personal stuff. I am almost afraid of writing it because they might see it, hahaha. Isn’t that a kick in the pants? They removed me, I am afraid of them reading my writing, and all. That is ironic. I need to write to share my experiences with others, it is to help others not feel so alone or isolated. Others need to know that this happens to not just them but others. I think I can help others by sharing.
Now don’t get me wrong in that, I had all bad days living with my family. Because I did not. I do have fond memories at various stages in my life. But the hidden truth was the part f me that tried to survive back then, well it created happiness where it could find it. I was the only one who knew what was going on with me, until a certain age, adulthood. I told the person I believed would have my back thru thick and thin, but that was not happening. Not in my case. Perhaps this person had many things to deal with on their own. Maybe they themselves were fighting some of their own demons. I guess they could of even been prisoner to their own choices in life. I was just a mere battle, in their own war. I will never know, I guess.
If someday I can look back without great sorrow, I will, at last, be free. Free of the burden of the “what if’s”, at least I hope. 21 years is a long time. It is a hard life when you question everything from back then. It is hard to imagine how lives that were supposed to have you in the picture, have never even wanted to have you there.
I will focus on my immediate family and so should you if you are in the same “boat”. I implore you to look ahead and not behind you, in a way that affects your now and future.
Please don’t waste your love, your opportunities, your thoughts searching and wondering. Life has a way of giving back what you put forth into it. I know.
Thanks for reading. MwsR
More at a later date.
And I shall see you on this side of the rainbow.
I may of been frailer
But my mind was strong
I held you off for so long.
The constant race,
Trying to hurry into my room
I felt like a mouse being chased by a broom.
My whole self changed when you were around
Often I sat down upon the ground
Begging for some kind of relief,
Someone to take notice and help me.
In the darkness of my room,
I swore that things would be different
With animosity, I often repented.
What was the reason again, that I was being blamed
I was not the one who brought upon all this shame.
Confused by the appeal
I often felt like my life was not real
Just used to torture my insides
Always in search of a place with which to hide.
You went about your life as if nothing was going on
But for me, mine was a tornado
The feelings came full force, and left behind broken and shattered.
No sense yelling for help,
Just a player in his game
Oh, to wish I never even knew his name.
A kid trapped in an adult world
That was me
Falling apart at the seams
Damage took its part of what was my heart
Never again though, I am too smart
Painful memories burst out every now and then
I have to put a nozzle on them
I must close them off
For if I don’t I would drown under the weight of it all.
Time cannot take those memories from me,
Things seldom are what we mean them to be
Effort is all some have left, in the fight
Of wrong verses right.
A life with regret.
It really did not include all I wanted to say.
I wrote you a letter today,
But that is the way things go, right?
I really never explain in depth what I really want to write.
I hope you get it and it makes you wonder
Fills you with something and possibly to ponder.
I know it has been many years
Since I could sit down and write to you without tears.
I do not know what I hope to gain from it
Maybe nothing, simply, maybe to be free from this pit.
The one I crawled into when things between us changed.
When I had to learn to live and re-arrange.
I often wonder why it had to be me to begin
Never you , nor them, or anyone from then
I know I walk a lonely road of taking a stand
I just couldn’t stay there and give you the upper hand
My life was mine but following your rules
I was just your fool.
I longed for your love, yet it was with stipulations
Not how someone wants love, with conditions.
So I find myself not quite over you,
Reaching out once again and feeling blue
I probably had a lapse in judgement, you know
Maybe a moment of weakness, who knows
We will see, it is never too late
I guess, to contemplate
To reach out anyway you can
And try to patch things, join hands
I don’t know but I will someday see
How my life will turn out and be.
Mws R Writings 