Hi, hope you are well.
How do I even begin, the words still escape me. Although this has weighed heavy on my heart and occupied my dreams. I know in life we take the good and the bad. We give or either we take. I guess I am a giver, a bona fide giver.
Now that isn’t saying that I am not a taker. Sure I am. For years I took what was left after you gave others what they needed. I took because I did not know I deserved more. I felt like I was just a speck on your radar, not much to see, really. I wanted to be accepted. I wanted you to love me for me. All the nice staged words did not hide the animosity in your eyes. I saw it on many occasions. I saw how you thought I was a leech, just taking your money and your things, but you never saw how much they meant to me. You did not want to see that where those things were, I felt you that meant you cared.
I admit I was not the best of the best when it came to making you proud. I did however not follow a crowd. I was my own person, free in spirit and full of life. I tried to impress you more than depress you. I failed, I admit. You lost that sparkle that comes with genuine love for me, when I reached my teens. You only saw my failures and my childish dreams as a burden.
You never took the time to see me hurting.
Those nights I prayed for thunder and lightning to answer my questions. Those nights when I was bound so tight in my covers that I literally looked froze. I was trying to hide and stay safe also. You did not ever really sit me down to talk. You never explained your thoughts on what I was doing and why. I think you turned a blind eye. See I had music to lighten my heavy heart, you could not even let me listen to it. You thought it was the tool of the devil. I knew it was my saving grace.
I was not a talkative sort. I kept my questions to myself. I never harmed anyone or anything else. I loved every creature, and loved all my things, I was very appreciative. You always made me feel guilty for messing up. You made me so nervous, I would hate coming home. I knew you were looking at every mistake, it would have been better if I had died from a stake.
I really did not intend to blame you for anything I did in error. I can blame you though for turning that blind eye. Leaving me to deal with adult things all by myself. Leaving me alone when you left the house, you did that intentionally. You did not want to know what it was that was happening to me.
You told me things like it was my fault. Maybe I was dressing the wrong way or wearing the wrong things. It never was your or his fault. It was always mine. I wish I knew the lies you had to tell yourself to believe in what you was doing. I came to you, ask you for help, asked you to be there for me. You refused. Said it would complicate home life. Yep, it sure did, not yours but mine.
Anyhow, what is done is done. What happened was never believed by the one person I thought would believe and support me.Okay, whatever. I think if I could have an honest time alone with you, this is some of what I would say. I don’t know though, because you always had a way of twisting things to your approval. You were my joy when I was young. I adored everything about you. I wanted to be like you. In my mind there was nothing I wanted more than your approval.
As the many years have left me still wondering and questioning things, one has never been answered to truth. Did you ever really love me? I don’t want no crap, I want to know the truth. Oh you have said you did many times. Well, when we were speaking.
I just guess I will just guess. It is better that way.
I cannot go through another rejection, anyway.
I want you to know that despite all this, I love you. I always will. I cannot be that person you imagined in your mind. I never could.
I hope when you lay down at night, that you think of me, and you are sorry on how things went.
Forever just a second thought,
Me
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