Tag: Blue

Blue• Storms

Today was one of those gloomy, dreary days.

It had rained all dang day and Blue could not stand it. She had always hated days where it rained. This was because she could not go outside. If she couldn’t go outside, she could not imagine. If Blue wouldn’t use her imagination she felt sad. Blue had always been good at imagining. For as long as she could remember, the world she imagined in her head was and had been better than the real world. Today, it seemed like a lost cause.

As Blue got into doing her homework she found herself getting bored. The same old stuff every evening for homework. First, she did her spelling words and then read the chapters in her history book, followed with her answer and questions given by her teachers. She really thought most of this was just busy work. She wished she had something else to do besides homework but sadly, no. So Blue took her time this evening going all her assignments. She heard her mom and dad arguing and tried to eavesdrop in on what they were upset about. Usually, her dad would do a lot of shouting, slamming of cabinet doors, and stomping. Her mom usually was trying to explain or calm him down. This could sometimes last got minutes but mostly lasted for the rest of the evening. Her dad would low up then leave, and return later on and pick up where he left off at.

Usually, if the arguing was in the evening, supper was delayed and no one really ate together. That is if they came to eat. If her dad was angry her mom would leave the food out for him. This would be difficult because her mom would not eat and she and her brother would have to figure out what to fo., on their own. It created such a cloud of disdain that because of it, us kids would not even leave our rooms to get food. This made the nighttime hard, usually, Blue would do hungry she couldn’t sleep.

Well, this evening would be that way. Tonight Blue would go to bed without any supper. Not to mention, sadness at the fact her parents were so mad at each other. She never did catch ear of what it was they were arguing about. Probably something to do with the church. Who knows. Often her dad was mad and wouldn’t like her mom going to evening church services, but despite his feelings, her mom would still try to go. Blue kind of admired her mom’s tenacity. Although, mostly Blue did not understand her dad’s fight against her mom going. Blue just wished it would stop.

Blue found herself in this yucky day, yucky weather, hungry, and bored, and sad. So what did Blue do but lie in bed using her imagination? She found herself talking to God. With thunder and lightning from outside Blue’s room lit up with each strike of lightning which led Blue to use that in her talk with God. Blue asked God to answer her with thunder or a flash of lightning. Lightning stood for yes. Thunder stood for a no.

Now Blue was not sure if she would actually get God to go along with it but she was ready to try. After all, she had lots of questions. Some questions were about her parents. She would ask things like, ” Do they love me?”, or”Will they ever divorce?”. Blue just needed to know things. It was in her nature. Surely Hod understood it all. At least she hoped he would.

Blue always tried to get God’s answers that a way. All of her childhood she would seek his answers through a time of storms. She never really knew though if God liked it. Something’s she never asked of him. The one thing she did was, ”Can I be loved?”, God would answer her, but they never were answered the same. Somewhere in between her wants and needs she just needed to be loved. To Blue it was simple, either you did or you did not.

”Oh , if life were that simple! ”,she often thought.

To be continued…

MwsR❤️

Blue, Did Not Recognize Her

There was this one day …

Timeline

The time line for this story was the teenage years of Blue, she was around 15 and still unaware of most things in her life around then. Un-expectantly, she had a visit from someone she did not recognize.

Story

Blue was alone this particular day, as she was most days while school was out and her parents had to work. Her brother was visiting a friend. She had the whole house to herself.  Times like this was very nice for her. She could walk around the house freely and enjoy playing her music as loud as she wished. Music had been her constant companion since she first discovered it. There was several different genres that she enjoyed. Frankly, almost anything out on the radio was her favorite. She knew the words to almost everything and had no qualms about singing them out loud.

Today Blue was going to organize the bathroom closet. Why? Because she wanted to , and especially since she was not made to. She enjoyed pretending that her parents house was hers and that she was in charge. Part of that imagination led her to change things up a bit. She loved changing the layout of things, because she got bored real easy. She was constantly trying to win her mother’s approval to and since organizing the bathroom closet was something she enjoyed, she was also hoping for “brownie points” from her mother, in doing it.

She turned up her music so loud she guessed the neighbors could hear it. She really did not care, music was on, the sun was shinning and she was going to play around with organizing a bathroom closet that was in diar need of being done. She went to the front door, made sure it was locked, checked the back door to, she did not want anyone coming in on her while she was at the back of the house. So, she set forth to organize that bathroom closet.

She proceeded to take out things one by one until all the shelfs in the closet were empty. Next she went into work mode by folding and sorting the towels and the wash cloths that lay in the floor. She thought she would sort them by their colors and switch things up a bit by placing a wash  cloth and a towel of likeness together. She proceeded to fold the wash cloth up in the towel and set them on the shelfs, one by one. She just knew that her mother was going to love this. No more searching for a washcloth to match a towel. She thought it was rather “genius” of herself.

This went on for the next hour and when the bathroom closet was finished, she took a long look at it and was very pleased. She also could not wait till her mother saw how nice and convenient things were now in that closet. Sometimes, while she was doing little things like this she felt proud of herself and felt that she was going to make herself invaluable to her parents.

She really did not know that she should have been valuable even if she never helped out around the  house. All kids should be valuable to their parents regardless of what they do or what they don’t do.

The next thing she decided to do was to get her some soup to eat because she was getting hungry. Tomato soup was her go to soup and her favorite to eat. Especially when she ate it with saltines crackers. She knew her mother would not like it anyway, if she ate something else. She turned off her music and turned on her tv. There was a show called, Bonanza”, and it was one of her favorites. Back in those days, there was not much to watch on tv and you had a pick of about three channels to watch. Kids watched cartoons on weekends and sometimes afternoons after school. No much variety but the shows had a lot more depth then. Morals were shown on almost every channel and there wasn’t any real bad to watch programs. Blue loved being able to watch movies. Her mother watched soap operas and she liked them to, but movies were her favorite.

As she was heating her soup up in a pot he heard what sounded to be a knock on the front door. She was thinking to herself that her mind was playing tricks on her. Then suddenly as if a second later, there came another knock. She went to the front windows and peered through the curtains. A car she did not recognize was out in the driveway. There was a person whom she could not really get a good look at, standing outside the front door. Blue knew her mother forbade her to open the door for anyone while her parents were not there. She also knew that she would be in big trouble if she did. Her curiosity was getting thee best of her She figured she would call her mother at her work and get further instruction on what to do. She headed to the phone when she heard the person outside say, “I am your aunt”, and she was in shock. Blue was thinking to herself on who this really was, while dialing her mother’s work number. Her mother got on the ohone and she told her that a lady who said she was her aunt was standing out front of her house. Her mother told her to go ahead and open the door and that her aunt Jean was there, she was guessing.

Blue hung up from talking to her mother, and went to the front door to open it. There in front of her stood a woman. The woman was a little taller than her, with greyish black hair. This woman was very thin, looked to be about 80 pounds. She was dressed in a fake fur coat. Immediately this woman, Blue’s aunt, gave her a big hug and said, “You must be Blue?” Blue said, “yes and who are you?” The woman replied she was her mother’s sister from Washington. Blue invited her in and told her that Blue’s mother was coming home and would arrive shortly.  As she sat there she found herself staring at the woman she barely recognized. It was an awkward quietness. Blue did not know how to strike a conversation with her.

The awkward silence could have been cut by a knife it was so thick. Blue offered her aunt a drink or something and that started a conversation. Blue’s aunt asked her if she knew who she was at first. Blue said she did not recognize her at all. Then her aunt proceeded to tell Blue that she had leukemia and had lost so much weight. She said she was wanting to come and visit her sister and her family before she could no longer travel. She also said she was very sick, She informed Blue that she was 74 pounds, and that she was probably dying. Wow, that was a lot for Blue to take in at once. Blue was very sad for her aunt and could not wrap her head around this thing called Leukemia. She did not know exactly what that was.

It was hard looking at the face of someone who was potentially dying. Someone who was her aunt and she never even knew her. She was puzzled as to why she did not know all this already, and why she had not grown to know her. This was a lot to take in and Blue had so many questions she wanted to ask, but she knew she better not. Her mother made it very clear on the phone to say very little to her aunt and to mind her own business. Then Blue saw her mother coming in the door and Blue figured she would learn more about her aunt.  Blue was wrong though, as soon as her mother got there she sent Blue to her room, and whatever was spoken in the living room, Blue could not ease drop on because it was like they were whispering. This was puzzling.

It was not very long after being sent to her room, that Blue heard the car start-up and then saw her aunt leaving.  It was not very long, especially for someone who came from Washington state to visit. What really hurt was that her aunt was dying and she never even knew her or got to say goodbye. Blue knew that something was not right with the whole thing. It was not normal to have family come visit and them not be offered a place to stay or some time spent with the family they came to see. What in the world?

Some things like that day, stayed forever in Blue’s mind. She did not understand those types of situations. They happened more often than not.

arch architecture art blue
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“Blue” Christmas

Let’s move ahead to one of Blue’s Christmas’…

christmas tree with baubles
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As always there was a big decorating frenzy for Christmas, Blue was helping unpack things from a box or two while her mom was setting the decorations out for immediate display. Every Christmas it was almost like “clock work” how the holiday preparation began. Blue’s mom usually did things herself but this year, was different. Blue was actually trusted to unpack Christmas decorations from many years of collections and was intrusted to do it without the “eagle eye” bearing down upon her every move. Her mom was almost religious about how she set everything up and Blue had watched her so many years doing it that she knew where things went.

There was the ceramic decorations, Frosty, Santa, Angels, and more that were placed on the console radio which could hold them all in fine array. There was the snow fluff that needed to go underneath each one, as if to give the impression that they were in snow. Of course, the Angel had to overlook the manager scene and figurines. There was things that were gifted from friends and family that got their turn at being displayed. They were arranged in a manner fitting to their themes. Blue’s mom was very particular about how things needed to be displayed.

Blue just loved staring at the decorations, to her they were a thing for imagination and pretend. Sometimes she visualized in her head how it would be to be as small as the figurines and all were. She imagined how it must have been like to be baby Jesus and his mother and father back in the manager. There was absolutely no limit to her expandable imagination.

Blue loved helping decorate the tree. Her favorite thing about the tree was the shiny mirror like balls that her mom placed on the tree. With the background of the flickering lights, each ball mirrored the images perfectly and the took on a whole new look. The flickering Christmas lights were set to a certain pattern or rhythm and they could flicker fast or slow. Her favorite was the slow changing colored lights. Blue would lay on the floor when the tree was finished and just stare upward through the tree with all of it’s decorations and let her imagination soar. It was certainly fun for her, and a much-needed distraction from her everyday life.

Sometimes in one’s life we all need a break from everyday things, and Christmas was that and more for Blue.

In thinking back to other Christmas’ Blue loved this time of year so much. It was one of the times she actually felt like her family recognized her wants and wishes. St least for gifts, at least, too bad that was not the case 364 days of the year. For Christmas Blue actually got to tell what she wanted. Who wouldn’t love that? Each year the Sears and Roebuck Catalog came out and in it was lots of toys, clothes, and more. This was the catalog that Blue went through, circling her requests for Christmas. Almost as predictable as having shoes to wear, she would see what she asked for up under the Christmas tree. It felt good to know that she had been included and that she was thought of enough to get what she really wished for.

Wished for? Hmm, she certainly got presents and stuff, but not what was most important in her heart. As often as a person’s heart would beat, that was how much Blue wanted her wish of having not to be scared in her own house, Her father was not on her Christmas wish but he was certainly part of what scared her. He had his own agenda and not even Christmas was a detriment to how he treated her, For Blue not even Christmas was enough to fight off some demons. 

Blue loved waking up early on a Christmas morning and finding her stockings full of nuts, and fingernail polish along with treats and candy of all kinds. Often Blue thought her stocking was the most special gift of Christmas. It was always loaded with goodies and almost overflowed onto the fireplace mantle. It would take Blue a month or so to even empty out her stocking. She had so much packed into it. It was the best.  Her brother often tried to sneak her chocolate from her pile of stocking goodies, but she learnt to keep them hidden. Her brother was a sneaky sort of chocolate monster. He loved it. She did too.

On Christmas day it was usually a laid back kind of day. Lunch was usually an after thought, because Blue and her brother nibbled the stuff from their stockings. Usually there was an early supper and her mom had family over to eat. Blue really loved her mom’s cooking,  There was the potato salad her mom always made, the turkey that filled the whole house with a tantalizing aroma and the stuffing that was placed inside the turkey to soak up the juices from the cooking. It smelt heavenly there in her house , on Christmas day. The ultimate thing was when there was left over turkey for the next day, with which Blue loved a mayo and turkey , with salt, sandwich. Yum!

Her mom was the best cook, if you were to ask Blue. There was nothing her mom fixed that wasn’t delicious, Blue only could hope to be such a good cook when she grew up. When Blue was little, her mom read the Christmas Story, the biblical one, each Christmas Eve. It told of a baby born in a manager because there was no room for him and his parents in the inn. It gave Blue hope in a weird sort of way. She knew if Jesus could survive being mistreated from birth, certainly she could survive her home predicament. She always took the meaning of Christmas and tried to pull hope from it. Each Christmas just reminded her to never give up.

…and never give up, was what Blue did.

Although, she really felt like it, she would not. She clung to the hope of better things and that gave her the courage to live. If Blue really got her Christmas wish, it would be that she never had to hide, in her own home, from someone that was suppose to love her. That was not the case though, she was constantly trying to sort through the unnatural feelings that her father had for her, She took his actions to mean that she was nothing more than amusement for his own self.

To be continued…

 

 

 

Blue…Holidays

For Blue holidays were a time where family came over to her house and ate together, opened gifts, or what have you. She enjoyed all the food, and especially the gifts. She really never received anything special except for holidays, or birthdays, like most kids her age.

Her parents were not rich by any means, but they always made sure to get a good gift for her for Christmas, and her birthdays. Easter came in close behind, since she always got a new outfit, shoes, and a much-needed purse to match. She thoroughly loved her mom’s cooking and her grandmother’s cooking as well. She could only hope to be that good of a cook, when she grew up. Usually there was a table full of her favorites, favorites like coleslaw, potatoes salad, deviled eggs, turkey or ham, macaroni and cheese, and biscuits or rolls, just to name a few.

She would fill her plate full of the many foods that she saw. It was as if she thought it was going to be eaten as fast as it was served. Although Blue was petite in stature and trim in weight, she could pack down some food. She often had to recline herself back against the seat where she was eating, to allow time for her body to digest the food and for her to be able to go back to eating. One could say it was an act of freewill, but to Blue she really could not help herself, it was a need.

Blue would often not say too much when the family was gathered together, but that did not keep her from ease-dropping in on their conversations. Often she could not make out exactly what the conversations were about, but she followed along as best she could. Since her parents had always used the phrase, “Children should be seen and not heard”, she often stayed to herself and only speaking when spoken to.

Often Blue had questions she wished to know the answers for but often she did not express them. This was mainly because she figured it would upset, annoy, or get a really bad response from whomever she asked. Blue lacked confidence in herself and often second guessed her instincts. This would certainly pose problems for her later on in life, unless she learned how to trust herself. Sometimes things were scary there in her home and she really needed to listen to her instincts more, to save herself from being hurt.

Holidays offered her a chance to eat all she wanted and to go back for second’s and third’s if there was anything left. The saddest part of holidays were when everyone went their separate ways and said goodbye. For Blue having lots of people around not only kept her safe, but it provided her time for her to be herself, despite the wickedness that surrounded her, when she was alone.

I guess you could say, “Holidays were a much-needed break for her”, not having to fear she actually got to be a little girl. No one even suspected that reason, for in having time together, they were allowing her that little ounce of “kidism” she really needed.

Often, Blue thought that she needed a miracle, and often she just cried because she never had one. If Holidays were made to show those you love how you feel about them, well, it really never did for her. Most little girls dreamed visions of sugar plums, dancing in their heads, she just tried to grasp anything she could, forget the dreams…she only had nightmares.

 

TO BE CONTINUED…

MwsR ❤

blur bokeh candle christmas decoration
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Blue…Story Goes On/Sisters

Sisters

Today was not unlike all the many days before for Blue. She awoke with not much on her mind, in way of things to do, but to get herself ready for school. Same as always, she was wishing she had time to stay in bed just a little more. Her covers on her bed were always so cozy and warm, from her body heat where she had lain.  Blue was always so cold in the wintertime. Her parents kept the door to her room shut and the heat turned off. The sole source of heat they used was a fireplace, that was stationed in the living room. The reason for this was to save money on their power bill. Blue was certain though that they intentionally left her to freeze.

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Like all kids, Blue figured there was some meaning to the fact that she had no heat in her room. Often time she figured it was a sort of punishment for something she had most certainly done. It seemed like she was always doing something that her parents did not approve of. Often, Blue wished she was perfect, but she knew that was not even remotely possible. She was simply not cut out to be perfect. Even as a kid she knew she would disappoint and bewilder much of the time, her parents.

Blue often pondered how her life would be if she had been her sister.

Her sister was way older than her and they did not resemble or think the same way. There was very little in common between her and her sister, but that really did not matter to Blue. To Blue, her sister was darn near perfect and favored by their parents. She just knew she wanted to grow into someone just like her sister. Although, she did not know how. If she was her sister, she just knew her parents would be proud of her, that they would love her through any mistake and that they would tell all their friends about her. Like they always did of her sister.

Often Blue would catch herself trying to watch her sister’s every move. She really could not understand what it was that her parents saw so special in her sister. Her sister appeared to be normal. Often her sister would walk out from her room and Blue would sneak a visit or look into her sister’s room. Blue was really just curious but also felt that maybe there was some magical power in there directing her parent’s affection towards her sister. There was no way her sister could be more important than her, surely there must some magical reason for this type of  affection her sister received.

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Often her sister would find her inside of her room and yell at her, running her out and quickly shutting the door behind Blue as she fled for her life. There just had to be dark secrets inside of her sister’s room, Blue just knew it. Contrary to her sister’s opinion of her, Blue wanted desperately to be close to her sister. Blue  really did not know a whole lot about her sister. It was as if the years that separated them in age, separated them in love. Blue just wanted to be close to her sister, but she did not know how.

At an early age it was, Blue figured out how unfair life could be.

She was often time  bewildered but not free from the bias her household had. She knew that she could try so very hard to seek her parents approval but in reality she would never get it, not like her sister did. Often she found herself feeling jealous and having self-pity. Of course, she also loved all her family and like all kids, she would continue to seek their love and approval.

Perhaps Blue was destined to be a failure, she often times thought. Maybe if she quit trying so hard to be adored, she would feel better.

Try telling a kid that…

To be continued…

MwsR ❤

Poem Share

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Broken…by MwsR

There is a something that happens to us

Something that happens when in people we trust.

It comes with a great risk and great pain

Leaving on our hearts a great stain.

When things go south as they often do

It’s not the good that leaves us feeling so blue.

It’s the trust that we gave to someone

The naked feelings we shared with that one.

Only to find we have hurt ourselves

By mistaking their motives.

Or we simply try to be open

In the end though it is us that get broken.

Torino, Blue Continued

There is just something about the things we recall from a young age and the different one we have when we recall as adults. 

Blue always had things that held special significance to her and thru her childhood. The one she remembers fondly is the Ford Torino. The family owned a royal blue Torino. This car was so huge it felt like a house on wheels to Blue. The color was one she favored, See the source imagebecause she felt a fondness towards blue things in comparison to her blue eyes. It was something she had heard time and time again, how her eyes were the loveliest color of blue.  She identified with blue a lot, thus her name was Blue, too.

 

This Torino was not the first family car she remembered. The family had owned a VW bug when she was smaller and it was just her and her big sister. When her brother came along the family got this Torino to accommodate the family dynamics. Back in this time and era, no one was required to wear a seatbelt. It was not made into law when she was small, so she could ride anywhere she wanted.

Sometimes Blue rode in the floorboard. She loved how every bump in the road was felt. She enjoyed the bouncing when they rode over a pothole or bump. She often would lay on her back in the floorboard and look out the windows of that Torino and follow along with her eyes everything that flew past. It was so cool for her to lay there and just enjoy. Fairly often she would climb onto the back dash and lay there. Imagine the people who saw that! A kid riding in the back window of the big blue car. She did not care to think about things of that nature, she just enjoyed her time, whenever she could.

This car, she often thought would be a great boat. She often imagined that the car could float. This car resembled a boat to her. It had a very large hood and front. She could just see herself riding a top the hood as the car floated on the river. She often thought it would be cool to put some flowery curtains in the windows of that car, and make a little cabin inside. This car had great potential, she thought.

Blue thought this car was special. There was just something about it. It could have been the room it had in it, or maybe the wide windows , or perhaps the large leather seats were the most appealing part. It really was hard to pinpoint why she loved it, she just did. She liked the idea that she never had to sit right on top of her big sister when they went out and about. That was a definite plus. Nothing worse than being cramped while riding to and from some place. She most definitely hated that.

Sometimes when her dad was driving to the store, he would turn the wheels left and right in a fashion that slid her from one side to the other. This was due in part to the large bench back seat. It was slicker than glass. Her little self slid back and forth so easy when her dad turned curves. If her dad was in a bad mood and angry, she knew that he would sling her around. His driving was rough when he was in a bad mood, Often she was asked to tag along to the store and back, He always liked her company it seemed.

She never questioned that kind of attention. Perhaps she should had, but she was just  naïve little girl who assumed the world was a good place. In her home she assumed the same.

To be continued….

Grandmother’s House/Blue, story continues…

There just was something good about going to Blue’s grandmother’s house, it was some of the best of times for her.

Blue was always asking her father when he was going to see his mother, her grandmother, and she eagerly awaited the conformation that he was. She would accompany him, and it was worth it, because there was nothing like being at her grandmother’s house. Absolutely nothing! Her grandmother lived with her sister, Blue’s Great Aunt. They both were different in many ways but they were so great.

Blue would sometimes get permission to sleep over at their house and she always took advantage of the time there. She had a whole lot of neat places in their woods out back and she found cool stuff there, outside. She learned a lot about gardening and creatures, like snakes, turtles, etc. There was always something cool to explore and learn. Her grandmother was real modest and outspoken, but she liked that about her.

Blue’s Great Aunt was the religious kind and she read her Bible every day at breakfast, while sipping her coffee and eating the soaked saltines she added to it. Blue thought that was very strange indeed, but still it was cool. Her aunt always did cleaning and washing and hanging clothes, domestic stuff. inside the house is where you most often found her Aunt. Her aunt was not a fan of bugs or snakes or bees and such. She liked staying indoors more than being outside. She would usually be found doing her crossword puzzles when she had finished all her inside the house chores.

Blue’s Grandmother was the outdoor type. She was the one who could shoot a gun, drive the car, fix the best food, and any other thing outside that she could do. On her porch was a rattler from a rattle snake she made into a rattle that you could shake, it had a wood handle and was sprayed with clear paint to make it shine. It was odd but cool none the less. Blue thought there was no one in the world tough as her Grandmother and thought that her Grandmother was the smartest person she had ever met.

Her grandmother owned a Collie named Lady, and a duck named Screech, and two smaller, inside dogs named Frisky, and Sugar. Her grandmother loved poodles and Chihuahuas. She also had owned ducks, geese, and rosters. I guess you could say she was an animal lover. Ha ha. Blue always loved to play and pet on the many animals there was at that house. It was like being at a zoo sometimes. There really was no place that she would rather be, especially in the summer and in the evenings.

Her Father would go every evening to see his mother. He liked taking her mail to her and getting a cake of cornbread. She baked him one every single day. It was hot and fresh and wrapped up in tinfoil. Blue often snuck a pinch of the crispy crust when no one was looking. It was almost too irresistible. The best cornbread she had ever tasted. Her mother would put it crumbled up in a tall glass of buttermilk. Yum, yum.

Being at the Grandmother and Great Aunt’s house was a much-needed reprieve for her. Since her home was so hectic most of the time, and a scary place a lot of the time, she really was in a happy place being at their house. It was a place where she could be a kid, stay up late at night watching, “Saturday Night Live” or comedy shows, all while eating whatever her heart desired. Her Grandmother was a stickler for a person needing to eat well. She said a person could not go to sleep without a bedtime snack. Heck, it was not like that at home. She had a long stretch from supper to bed without anything else to eat, other than what had been for supper. Not to mention she was watched like a hawk. Food was not free to choose at her house. Never had been.

Once she asked her Grandmother if she could move in and live with them at their house. Her Grandmother just smiled and said, “You can always come here, but you live at your house.”

Is that what a person called “living”?

She did not think so. So many times she really thought about talking to her Grandmother about things at home, and even talking to her Great Aunt but she did not think that was a good idea, because after all she was the Mother of her Father, and she knew how strong a bond that was. She never wanted to jeopardize her Grandmother and Great Aunt’s relationship with her. After all, they would just would never believe her, anyhow!

. Blue would quietly keep all her darkest secrets inside. After all a life with some love was better than a life without anyone’s love.

TO BE CONTINUED…

MwsR ❤