Tag: Blue

“Blue” Christmas

Let’s move ahead to one of Blue’s Christmas’…

christmas tree with baubles
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As always there was a big decorating frenzy for Christmas, Blue was helping unpack things from a box or two while her mom was setting the decorations out for immediate display. Every Christmas it was almost like “clock work” how the holiday preparation began. Blue’s mom usually did things herself but this year, was different. Blue was actually trusted to unpack Christmas decorations from many years of collections and was intrusted to do it without the “eagle eye” bearing down upon her every move. Her mom was almost religious about how she set everything up and Blue had watched her so many years doing it that she knew where things went.

There was the ceramic decorations, Frosty, Santa, Angels, and more that were placed on the console radio which could hold them all in fine array. There was the snow fluff that needed to go underneath each one, as if to give the impression that they were in snow. Of course, the Angel had to overlook the manager scene and figurines. There was things that were gifted from friends and family that got their turn at being displayed. They were arranged in a manner fitting to their themes. Blue’s mom was very particular about how things needed to be displayed.

Blue just loved staring at the decorations, to her they were a thing for imagination and pretend. Sometimes she visualized in her head how it would be to be as small as the figurines and all were. She imagined how it must have been like to be baby Jesus and his mother and father back in the manager. There was absolutely no limit to her expandable imagination.

Blue loved helping decorate the tree. Her favorite thing about the tree was the shiny mirror like balls that her mom placed on the tree. With the background of the flickering lights, each ball mirrored the images perfectly and the took on a whole new look. The flickering Christmas lights were set to a certain pattern or rhythm and they could flicker fast or slow. Her favorite was the slow changing colored lights. Blue would lay on the floor when the tree was finished and just stare upward through the tree with all of it’s decorations and let her imagination soar. It was certainly fun for her, and a much-needed distraction from her everyday life.

Sometimes in one’s life we all need a break from everyday things, and Christmas was that and more for Blue.

In thinking back to other Christmas’ Blue loved this time of year so much. It was one of the times she actually felt like her family recognized her wants and wishes. St least for gifts, at least, too bad that was not the case 364 days of the year. For Christmas Blue actually got to tell what she wanted. Who wouldn’t love that? Each year the Sears and Roebuck Catalog came out and in it was lots of toys, clothes, and more. This was the catalog that Blue went through, circling her requests for Christmas. Almost as predictable as having shoes to wear, she would see what she asked for up under the Christmas tree. It felt good to know that she had been included and that she was thought of enough to get what she really wished for.

Wished for? Hmm, she certainly got presents and stuff, but not what was most important in her heart. As often as a person’s heart would beat, that was how much Blue wanted her wish of having not to be scared in her own house, Her father was not on her Christmas wish but he was certainly part of what scared her. He had his own agenda and not even Christmas was a detriment to how he treated her, For Blue not even Christmas was enough to fight off some demons. 

Blue loved waking up early on a Christmas morning and finding her stockings full of nuts, and fingernail polish along with treats and candy of all kinds. Often Blue thought her stocking was the most special gift of Christmas. It was always loaded with goodies and almost overflowed onto the fireplace mantle. It would take Blue a month or so to even empty out her stocking. She had so much packed into it. It was the best.  Her brother often tried to sneak her chocolate from her pile of stocking goodies, but she learnt to keep them hidden. Her brother was a sneaky sort of chocolate monster. He loved it. She did too.

On Christmas day it was usually a laid back kind of day. Lunch was usually an after thought, because Blue and her brother nibbled the stuff from their stockings. Usually there was an early supper and her mom had family over to eat. Blue really loved her mom’s cooking,  There was the potato salad her mom always made, the turkey that filled the whole house with a tantalizing aroma and the stuffing that was placed inside the turkey to soak up the juices from the cooking. It smelt heavenly there in her house , on Christmas day. The ultimate thing was when there was left over turkey for the next day, with which Blue loved a mayo and turkey , with salt, sandwich. Yum!

Her mom was the best cook, if you were to ask Blue. There was nothing her mom fixed that wasn’t delicious, Blue only could hope to be such a good cook when she grew up. When Blue was little, her mom read the Christmas Story, the biblical one, each Christmas Eve. It told of a baby born in a manager because there was no room for him and his parents in the inn. It gave Blue hope in a weird sort of way. She knew if Jesus could survive being mistreated from birth, certainly she could survive her home predicament. She always took the meaning of Christmas and tried to pull hope from it. Each Christmas just reminded her to never give up.

…and never give up, was what Blue did.

Although, she really felt like it, she would not. She clung to the hope of better things and that gave her the courage to live. If Blue really got her Christmas wish, it would be that she never had to hide, in her own home, from someone that was suppose to love her. That was not the case though, she was constantly trying to sort through the unnatural feelings that her father had for her, She took his actions to mean that she was nothing more than amusement for his own self.

To be continued…




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Categories: Blue



For Blue holidays were a time where family came over to her house and ate together, opened gifts, or what have you. She enjoyed all the food, and especially the gifts. She really never received anything special except for holidays, or birthdays, like most kids her age.

Her parents were not rich by any means, but they always made sure to get a good gift for her for Christmas, and her birthdays. Easter came in close behind, since she always got a new outfit, shoes, and a much-needed purse to match. She thoroughly loved her mom’s cooking and her grandmother’s cooking as well. She could only hope to be that good of a cook, when she grew up. Usually there was a table full of her favorites, favorites like coleslaw, potatoes salad, deviled eggs, turkey or ham, macaroni and cheese, and biscuits or rolls, just to name a few.

She would fill her plate full of the many foods that she saw. It was as if she thought it was going to be eaten as fast as it was served. Although Blue was petite in stature and trim in weight, she could pack down some food. She often had to recline herself back against the seat where she was eating, to allow time for her body to digest the food and for her to be able to go back to eating. One could say it was an act of freewill, but to Blue she really could not help herself, it was a need.

Blue would often not say too much when the family was gathered together, but that did not keep her from ease-dropping in on their conversations. Often she could not make out exactly what the conversations were about, but she followed along as best she could. Since her parents had always used the phrase, “Children should be seen and not heard”, she often stayed to herself and only speaking when spoken to.

Often Blue had questions she wished to know the answers for but often she did not express them. This was mainly because she figured it would upset, annoy, or get a really bad response from whomever she asked. Blue lacked confidence in herself and often second guessed her instincts. This would certainly pose problems for her later on in life, unless she learned how to trust herself. Sometimes things were scary there in her home and she really needed to listen to her instincts more, to save herself from being hurt.

Holidays offered her a chance to eat all she wanted and to go back for second’s and third’s if there was anything left. The saddest part of holidays were when everyone went their separate ways and said goodbye. For Blue having lots of people around not only kept her safe, but it provided her time for her to be herself, despite the wickedness that surrounded her, when she was alone.

I guess you could say, “Holidays were a much-needed break for her”, not having to fear she actually got to be a little girl. No one even suspected that reason, for in having time together, they were allowing her that little ounce of “kidism” she really needed.

Often, Blue thought that she needed a miracle, and often she just cried because she never had one. If Holidays were made to show those you love how you feel about them, well, it really never did for her. Most little girls dreamed visions of sugar plums, dancing in their heads, she just tried to grasp anything she could, forget the dreams…she only had nightmares.



MwsR <3

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Categories: Blue


Blue…Story Goes On/Sisters


Today was not unlike all the many days before for Blue. She awoke with not much on her mind, in way of things to do, but to get herself ready for school. Same as always, she was wishing she had time to stay in bed just a little more. Her covers on her bed were always so cozy and warm, from her body heat where she had lain.  Blue was always so cold in the wintertime. Her parents kept the door to her room shut and the heat turned off. The sole source of heat they used was a fireplace, that was stationed in the living room. The reason for this was to save money on their power bill. Blue was certain though that they intentionally left her to freeze.

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Like all kids, Blue figured there was some meaning to the fact that she had no heat in her room. Often time she figured it was a sort of punishment for something she had most certainly done. It seemed like she was always doing something that her parents did not approve of. Often, Blue wished she was perfect, but she knew that was not even remotely possible. She was simply not cut out to be perfect. Even as a kid she knew she would disappoint and bewilder much of the time, her parents.

Blue often pondered how her life would be if she had been her sister.

Her sister was way older than her and they did not resemble or think the same way. There was very little in common between her and her sister, but that really did not matter to Blue. To Blue, her sister was darn near perfect and favored by their parents. She just knew she wanted to grow into someone just like her sister. Although, she did not know how. If she was her sister, she just knew her parents would be proud of her, that they would love her through any mistake and that they would tell all their friends about her. Like they always did of her sister.

Often Blue would catch herself trying to watch her sister’s every move. She really could not understand what it was that her parents saw so special in her sister. Her sister appeared to be normal. Often her sister would walk out from her room and Blue would sneak a visit or look into her sister’s room. Blue was really just curious but also felt that maybe there was some magical power in there directing her parent’s affection towards her sister. There was no way her sister could be more important than her, surely there must some magical reason for this type of  affection her sister received.

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Often her sister would find her inside of her room and yell at her, running her out and quickly shutting the door behind Blue as she fled for her life. There just had to be dark secrets inside of her sister’s room, Blue just knew it. Contrary to her sister’s opinion of her, Blue wanted desperately to be close to her sister. Blue  really did not know a whole lot about her sister. It was as if the years that separated them in age, separated them in love. Blue just wanted to be close to her sister, but she did not know how.

At an early age it was, Blue figured out how unfair life could be.

She was often time  bewildered but not free from the bias her household had. She knew that she could try so very hard to seek her parents approval but in reality she would never get it, not like her sister did. Often she found herself feeling jealous and having self-pity. Of course, she also loved all her family and like all kids, she would continue to seek their love and approval.

Perhaps Blue was destined to be a failure, she often times thought. Maybe if she quit trying so hard to be adored, she would feel better.

Try telling a kid that…

To be continued…

MwsR <3

Thank you for reading 🙂

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Categories: Blue Writings


Torino, Blue Continued

There is just something about the things we recall from a young age and the different one we have when we recall as adults. 

Blue always had things that held special significance to her and thru her childhood. The one she remembers fondly is the Ford Torino. The family owned a royal blue Torino. This car was so huge it felt like a house on wheels to Blue. The color was one she favored, See the source imagebecause she felt a fondness towards blue things in comparison to her blue eyes. It was something she had heard time and time again, how her eyes were the loveliest color of blue.  She identified with blue a lot, thus her name was Blue, too.


This Torino was not the first family car she remembered. The family had owned a VW bug when she was smaller and it was just her and her big sister. When her brother came along the family got this Torino to accommodate the family dynamics. Back in this time and era, no one was required to wear a seatbelt. It was not made into law when she was small, so she could ride anywhere she wanted.

Sometimes Blue rode in the floorboard. She loved how every bump in the road was felt. She enjoyed the bouncing when they rode over a pothole or bump. She often would lay on her back in the floorboard and look out the windows of that Torino and follow along with her eyes everything that flew past. It was so cool for her to lay there and just enjoy. Fairly often she would climb onto the back dash and lay there. Imagine the people who saw that! A kid riding in the back window of the big blue car. She did not care to think about things of that nature, she just enjoyed her time, whenever she could.

This car, she often thought would be a great boat. She often imagined that the car could float. This car resembled a boat to her. It had a very large hood and front. She could just see herself riding a top the hood as the car floated on the river. She often thought it would be cool to put some flowery curtains in the windows of that car, and make a little cabin inside. This car had great potential, she thought.

Blue thought this car was special. There was just something about it. It could have been the room it had in it, or maybe the wide windows , or perhaps the large leather seats were the most appealing part. It really was hard to pinpoint why she loved it, she just did. She liked the idea that she never had to sit right on top of her big sister when they went out and about. That was a definite plus. Nothing worse than being cramped while riding to and from some place. She most definitely hated that.

Sometimes when her dad was driving to the store, he would turn the wheels left and right in a fashion that slid her from one side to the other. This was due in part to the large bench back seat. It was slicker than glass. Her little self slid back and forth so easy when her dad turned curves. If her dad was in a bad mood and angry, she knew that he would sling her around. His driving was rough when he was in a bad mood, Often she was asked to tag along to the store and back, He always liked her company it seemed.

She never questioned that kind of attention. Perhaps she should had, but she was just  naïve little girl who assumed the world was a good place. In her home she assumed the same.

To be continued….

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Grandmother’s House/Blue, story continues…

There just was something good about going to Blue’s grandmother’s house, it was some of the best of times for her.

Blue was always asking her father when he was going to see his mother, her grandmother, and she eagerly awaited the conformation that he was. She would accompany him, and it was worth it, because there was nothing like being at her grandmother’s house. Absolutely nothing! Her grandmother lived with her sister, Blue’s Great Aunt. They both were different in many ways but they were so great.

Blue would sometimes get permission to sleep over at their house and she always took advantage of the time there. She had a whole lot of neat places in their woods out back and she found cool stuff there, outside. She learned a lot about gardening and creatures, like snakes, turtles, etc. There was always something cool to explore and learn. Her grandmother was real modest and outspoken, but she liked that about her.

Blue’s Great Aunt was the religious kind and she read her Bible every day at breakfast, while sipping her coffee and eating the soaked saltines she added to it. Blue thought that was very strange indeed, but still it was cool. Her aunt always did cleaning and washing and hanging clothes, domestic stuff. inside the house is where you most often found her Aunt. Her aunt was not a fan of bugs or snakes or bees and such. She liked staying indoors more than being outside. She would usually be found doing her crossword puzzles when she had finished all her inside the house chores.

Blue’s Grandmother was the outdoor type. She was the one who could shoot a gun, drive the car, fix the best food, and any other thing outside that she could do. On her porch was a rattler from a rattle snake she made into a rattle that you could shake, it had a wood handle and was sprayed with clear paint to make it shine. It was odd but cool none the less. Blue thought there was no one in the world tough as her Grandmother and thought that her Grandmother was the smartest person she had ever met.

Her grandmother owned a Collie named Lady, and a duck named Screech, and two smaller, inside dogs named Frisky, and Sugar. Her grandmother loved poodles and Chihuahuas. She also had owned ducks, geese, and rosters. I guess you could say she was an animal lover. Ha ha. Blue always loved to play and pet on the many animals there was at that house. It was like being at a zoo sometimes. There really was no place that she would rather be, especially in the summer and in the evenings.

Her Father would go every evening to see his mother. He liked taking her mail to her and getting a cake of cornbread. She baked him one every single day. It was hot and fresh and wrapped up in tinfoil. Blue often snuck a pinch of the crispy crust when no one was looking. It was almost too irresistible. The best cornbread she had ever tasted. Her mother would put it crumbled up in a tall glass of buttermilk. Yum, yum.

Being at the Grandmother and Great Aunt’s house was a much-needed reprieve for her. Since her home was so hectic most of the time, and a scary place a lot of the time, she really was in a happy place being at their house. It was a place where she could be a kid, stay up late at night watching, “Saturday Night Live” or comedy shows, all while eating whatever her heart desired. Her Grandmother was a stickler for a person needing to eat well. She said a person could not go to sleep without a bedtime snack. Heck, it was not like that at home. She had a long stretch from supper to bed without anything else to eat, other than what had been for supper. Not to mention she was watched like a hawk. Food was not free to choose at her house. Never had been.

Once she asked her Grandmother if she could move in and live with them at their house. Her Grandmother just smiled and said, “You can always come here, but you live at your house.”

Is that what a person called “living”?

She did not think so. So many times she really thought about talking to her Grandmother about things at home, and even talking to her Great Aunt but she did not think that was a good idea, because after all she was the Mother of her Father, and she knew how strong a bond that was. She never wanted to jeopardize her Grandmother and Great Aunt’s relationship with her. After all, they would just would never believe her, anyhow!

. Blue would quietly keep all her darkest secrets inside. After all a life with some love was better than a life without anyone’s love.


MwsR <3



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Blue…story continues

bright countryside dawn daylight
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Today was the best day ever, she thought to herself as she put on her outside clothes, so she could play in her family’s woods.

She always woke with more joy than she ever had going to sleep at night. Night time could be scary and unpredictable for her,  when she put her head to her pillow. She really did not like those dreams that she often had, dreams…perhaps nightmares. She often tried to see how long she could actually stay awake at night. Sometimes, she would sneak to the kitchen and make herself some instant coffee, hoping it would help in keeping her awake. Sadly, it could not keep her tired eyes open.

Well, today she determined she was going to have a fun time pretending in the woods. So she quickly went to work, sweeping the wood floor free from falling pine needles and debris that had accumulated since she was last out. She always liked to keep her wood home clean and organized.  She used a branch with scattered limbs to sweep with. She had shoes to sweep the other things. She never liked to let her pathways get cluttered, so she did this almost all the time.

No one ever visited her when she was in the woods. There she was free, free to be what she wanted, do what she wanted and just simply be a kid. For most kids her age they would not look at that the same way she did, but for her, she always had. It was innate in her, like having to breathe, almost. She felt one with those woods and they returned their love for her, by letting her explore, dream, imagine, and create. Nothing else in her life at that time was as stable and as permanent. She also liked the fact that no one would mess with her there. Unlike, if she was in her house. Seemed someone always found her and she was never at ease.

The woods became her pretend apartment, her fortress against the ghosts, her house with lots of rooms, her hotel for small animals and so much more. There is no way to describe the many things her little heart could imagine up. She longed for the day her little brother would roam with her in the woods and she often  imagined it would be great and that she would have someone who shared her love and appreciation for it all.

Her little brother was born when she was seven years old. He was a chubby little guy and he was strange to her at first. She could not understand all the fuss when it came to him, with the adults. She kind of felt like she was invisible sometimes, but that was okay to her, for if she appeared invisible, no one would bother her, and she would free to be herself. She did not want a baby in the house but here he was and she was okay with it.

topless toddler with pants sitting on white surface while looking up
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Her baby brother was growing so fast that she hardly remembered his firs couple years there at the house. But the one thing that haunted her mind about his baby years was the fact that her mamma was gone a lot. She remembers one day she was sat down and told that her mom was not going to be home. She was confused and scared. Her father and grandmother explained that her mamma was sent to see a doc and had to have surgery and that the doc did the wrong thing and her mamma was not doing well enough to come home. So, she would be in the hospital for a while.

white bed comforter
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What!!! Had her family lost their minds, what did this all mean? She overheard her father talking to his mom and explaining that the doctor cut the wrong thing when he did surgery and that her mom almost bled to death. There was more talk about it but she kept replaying the words, “About bled to death” over and over. She quickly ran to her mother’s side of the bed and hugged her pillow. She hugged it so tight and she cried for her mom and asked God to bring her back home. She kept her mom’s pillow in her own bed till her mom  was back. She would sniff it endlessly and the smell that she smelt reminder her of her mother. She was as close as she could be to her mom, and wanted her mom back desperately.

Sometimes things replayed in her head…

Sometimes her life was so weird and scary. She just wanted her mom back. She wanted her to be alright. 

If wishes came true, her’s would come true and sooner than she imagined her mom would actually come back home to her. She waited and waited, and did her best to be strong. She was the lady of the house now and her job was just starting…

To be continued…


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Categories: Writings


Blue…Nighttime Rituals

brown bear leaning on bed headboard
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Blue had this things or stuff she would do every single night. She would gather up her stuffed animals and her dolls and favorite pillows and would pile them up on her bed.

Blue thought hard to herself one evening as to what she could possibly do to protect herself from the dangers that came with the nighttime around her house. She had no recourse if something wanted to snatch her out from her bed. She was just a little girl but she could make it darn well hard for them to reach her and pull her out of her bed.

So, she tucked herself in the covers that were on her bed. She also strategically formed her stuff like her dolls and stuffed animals around her body and tucked them close as well. As if she was creating a second skin, she would lie really still so as to not create an avalanche of toys falling off of her bed. The only room she left herself was a little area near her face so she could look out for someone coming.

She did not know any other way to guard against a person coming in and taking her away. She after all was a little person and there was so many “monsters” in her house. She just knew if she let her guard down she would surely be taken away.  She always waited till she heard no one else in the house stirring and waited until the lights were all turned out before she felt some sense of relief. She did not really ever sleep well back then. She still can’t.

The largest of her toys were placed around her legs and belly area. She figured there was a good place because her legs and body would be hard to make out. Like it would create some kind of confusion. She placed the fuzziest ones near her face and chest, this was so she could look through all that fuzz, but yet remain unspotted while spying out into the room. Yes, all this made perfect sense to her. She was the one who went on to do this night-time ritual every single night. It seemed to work for the most part.

All except a few times , that is. Those few times would guarantee that she never would let up her ritualistic behavior, and that would be her main reason to come up with even better ways of “evading’ the monsters in the house. Now if she had friends over, she was not worried at all and her toys and dolls had a much-needed break from surrounding her. She felt that with her friend or friends over she was spared,

She also made sure that she never left any skin exposed at night, She would wear something covering her from head to foot and she would make sure of that. That was yet another ritual at night for her. This was to ensure that the monsters would not see or touch her skin. She was afraid if they did, she would be tortured for sure. She always wanted to seem invisible. Invisible was a great wish of hers back in her younger years.

Being invisible would have saved her many difficult circumstances, and kept her from prying eyes and moving hands. If only!

To be continued…

MwsR <3



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