Tag: Hope

There Was Still Me~MwsR

I stood so tall back in those days

Free to explore the world before me

Often it felt like I was ruler of it all

Image result for there was still me

But something happened back then, I sank so very small

Nothing could of changed my outlook, for I still believed

That people had the power to change inside and that included me

There I was in this big person’s world

Brought under attack from someone I held dear

No way to defend myself, but my inner power remained

I just wished that could of jumped out and helped

In a span of years, things shifted from being ruler to a slave

Things eventually got more complicated and packed with dreaded pain.

Growing up was a tedious journey.

Looking around, I saw, there was still me

Always sorting through the remnants of what used to be.

Today ~thoughts

Today, I felt pain. I felt it surround my heart and once again, I tried to stop it. Why is it that the things we love the most, put such hurt within our souls. I went and poured out my heart, and was shut down by someone’s own perceptions. It was hard to bare my feelings but I had no choice, I had to. The stress between us both has encompassed my life. It has left me feeling inadequate, bruised, and useless. Still, I tried. I laid it out and asked my poignant questions. I felt it needed to be heard. Of course, they did not agree. Like a clam, they shut their heart and closed their ears. They could not see past the past. Are they ever going to?

A part of me wanted to run…run somewhere, run fast, and run hard. But where? I have no answers, perhaps it is a fight or flight response. I wasn’t looking to fight, but it ended up that way, in some regard. Nothing, not even my tears, could calm that stubborn heart I was trying to get through to. I gave in to the pressure of trying to defend myself, against God knows what, for whatever reason, and nothing was accomplished. If anything, it made the other person meaner. As if I had asked them for a “lung”, they thought I was crazy. They refused to talk, heal, or forgive. For which I am not sure what there was to forgive. All I know is that they were determined not to discuss, deal with, or listen anymore, today.

How in the heck did my love for someone get so complicated? How is that they, the one who I built a better part of my world around, has come to be so bitter and so angry. Why? And instead of getting “points” for the good and goodwill done towards them all these years, a disagreement, conflict if you will, keeps a huge wedge filled with distrust and disdain against me. I feel like a failure. I feel like I did not express myself well enough. I feel hurt. I feel broken.

Image result for Hurt Heart

I am sure we all have situations like this. I am sure there are circumstances we cannot control. I am sure of that. What kills me though is the fact that nothing else matters to this person, and they cannot see the uncountable good and love they have been given. Why? Perhaps I should remember the mean people in my life, just so I feel better about myself. Nah, I don’t want to waste my thoughts on those kind of people. I want to do as I always have, forgive and love. I don’t want any other characteristic to be seen but those two. I want to love and love some more. Despite the pain, heartache, and turmoil. I want it to be known that I will never give up on the things that matter in my life. I certainly will never be perfect, but I will do my darndest in trying.

Far from perfect, hurting to the depths of my soul, I will try. I may want to run, may want to fight, but let me never stop caring, feeling, and loving. I want to always keep hope. Don’t you?

MwsR

Hope…MwsR Writings

We all face different things in our lives.
Seldom do we stop and realize what others go through.
I have known friends that hurt each day, carry guilt, and hurt. I know people who despite circumstances that were given to them, carry on each and every day.
**&

It is never the journey ahead that hurts us… It is, however, our lack to properly prepare as we start that journey.
MwsR

Don’t forget others go through it, deal with it, and push past it… you can too.

Yes, it will hurt sometimes. Yes, it will change you some. Yes, it will most definitely impact those who are in it with you, in one way, shape, or form. This can most certainly be directly or indirectly.

But the good news is…
You can move through whatever journey is ahead… You can.

There is hope for today.💓

Good News! ( Religious post)

”You are the God who performs miracles; you display your power among the peoples.” Psalm 77:14 (NIV)

In this verse, the psalmist refers to all the miraculous works God had performed for the people of Israel time and time again. In countless situations, God had proven His faithfulness to His people by rescuing them from trouble and answering their prayers in miraculous ways. This verse compels us to not only remember God is a God of miracles but also to let that truth crush our doubts of God’s miraculous abilities and faithfulness in our lives.

Only a mighty, miracle-working God could have orchestrated some of the things that answered many of my prayers over the past few years. Not all my prayers were answered, of course, but enough to help me remember He is still the God of miracles today. He helped me fully realize Heis my provider. Not a man, not a job, not my own talents or efforts — Him alone.

God is always worthy of our praise — for the answered prayers we thought were unanswerable and the unanswered prayers we still lift up to Him each day. He is always faithful and always trustworthy. He hears our prayers and knows all of our needs.

If you have prayers you’ve been praying for quite some time, keep the faith. God is at work behind the scenes. Nothing is impossible for God.

MwsR Writings

There can be great sadness in the “unknowns” of things, yes I made my own word there.
If we look to create a circumstance our minds are more than able and ready to run with it.
Sadness…madness..worry…doubt…fear
These emotions and thoughts can fade our optimism through time if we let them.
When we lose that hint of hope…we lose.
Keep optimism….keep hope
I dare say make a hopeful circumstance or thought.

Blue (from Blue’s thoughts)

I know how it feels to be scared. I have spent most of my life being scared. I have felt like there was no-one to trust but many to fear. The ones who were suppose to help me and keep me safe, are the main ones responsible for the fear I have inside. I do cope, if you could say that. Sometimes I relive things and sometimes I imagine things . Using different scenarios I will let my own mind move through it all, until I see what lies at the end of that particular scenario. I have always felt like that is what keeps me from totally cracking or falling apart. If somehow I could imagine things and have myself deal with those imaginations, of worse case scenarios, I would be more prepared and equipped to deal with them should they become a reality. I guess.

A lot of things have happened to me that only I know. As is the case with others, I’m sure. I remember lots of things but never really all in one sitting. The remembered parts of my life, come in segments , sometimes at different months, years, or days. Nothing really has to “set them off”. The thoughts of remembering, just happen when they want , usually. I don’t think anyone could really understand the way my life has truly felt for me. I doubt anyone has a decent clue, even. I have talked about things at various times and those listening will sometimes just nod. Sometimes, those listening to my stories, will comment on what I have told them. None listening or commenting really help me to feel better. In fact seeing their expressions make me feel more isolated, more misunderstood. It is a vicious cycle. I want others to know, to hear, to feel what I did, but how can they, really? Is it even possible?

There has always been that voice inside my head that tells me, “Maybe you have made up half of the stuff you think or say has happened.” It eats away at my mind’s sanity. I mean it could be possible, couldn’t it? Then there is the pain and feelings I felt that flood into my everyday life, into my reasonings, my thoughts, my pain. That would have to be real, right? I mean I have seen or read about someone making up things that they truly believe has occurred or been done to them. They believe in what they have said and feel so much, perhaps they have unannounced to them, convinced themselves of something that is erroneous. I have no doubt that our minds are very powerful motivators for things we do and the actions we do as well.

Why was I put in the life I find myself in? Why must I constantly doubt that true love is something I have, will have, or is even meant for me? I constantly doubt the sincerity of people’s actions, and I question their motives. This comes from the fatherly betrayal and from my own mother’s problems with me, and in dealing with her own life. I find it hard to let myself just relax and lean on another person. It is and has always been a long and strenuous journey for me to come to terms with. However, I must keep going through it, trying to understand it, and keep love in my heart. It would be so easy to not care for anyone, or even myself. I must constantly tell myself I am worthy of love, real love. I must also tell myself that there are genuine people out there with genuine feelings for me. I must never stop believing in faith and hope and charity. Never!

MwsR

Author’s note-

My journey is not the most terrible one that has ever occurred. There are people that have experienced extreme treatments and hurts, and have had awful lives, at the hand of another person. I believe each person is different, feels things differently, and deals with things in a fashion that is appropriate for them. For me, my home life,, has it’s share of secrets, heartaches, and sadness. It is not however without good times, happiness, and love. This has always been my own story, my own life. Being Blue has been one of the hardest burden, to bear. I hope that one day I can help others, the way a few have helped me, by telling the story, so many live and know, as well. I hope in sharing my life that others will find the strength and the courage, for whatever battle they find themselves facing.

Can’t Go Back, thoughts

Often times I sit and wonder. I wonder if a person who has been gone for many years can just decide that they want to go back to a place that was familiar, or to people who once were familiar? Or should they want to?

I left a bad situation(I will call it) over 21 years ago. I was speaking to someone yesterday about “home” and what it should mean to someone who has got one. How a person who has people and family in their lives that really care and want them around, and how they should be grateful. This comes from situations that some find themselves, with a want to be back in the life of someone whom you wish you could go to, but sadly, can’t. I came home thinking about this conversation I had with my friend. I was immediately saddened. What in the world? Was I talking to them or myself?

If I am truly honest with myself, I miss my younger life, the one before all the wrong things happened. I miss the family image, of the people I called family and how much I long for the “what if’s”. If I am honest though, that is not my personal reality. I won’t ever have that. I won’t have that nicely packaged beginning to the end story that some have. I won’t get to share my thoughts, my worries, my dreams, my stuff with that “Idealism” family. I have my immediate family now and that is where my attention and the efforts I make, go to. I feel sad for my children, for my dreams of having an extended family so that they could experience that. But you know, it is not my fault. I was the one who was mistreated. I was the one who was given no other choice.

Like many others, I struggle writing about this personal stuff. I am almost afraid of writing it because they might see it, hahaha. Isn’t that a kick in the pants? They removed me, I am afraid of them reading my writing, and all. That is ironic. I need to write to share my experiences with others, it is to help others not feel so alone or isolated. Others need to know that this happens to not just them but others. I think I can help others by sharing.

See the source image

Now don’t get me wrong in that, I had all bad days living with my family. Because I did not. I do have fond memories at various stages in my life. But the hidden truth was the part f me that tried to survive back then, well it created happiness where it could find it. I was the only one who knew what was going on with me, until a certain age, adulthood. I told the person I believed would have my back thru thick and thin, but that was not happening. Not in my case. Perhaps this person had many things to deal with on their own. Maybe they themselves were fighting some of their own demons. I guess they could of even been prisoner to their own choices in life. I was just a mere battle, in their own war. I will never know, I guess.

If someday I can look back without great sorrow, I will, at last, be free. Free of the burden of the “what if’s”, at least I hope. 21 years is a long time. It is a hard life when you question everything from back then. It is hard to imagine how lives that were supposed to have you in the picture, have never even wanted to have you there.

I will focus on my immediate family and so should you if you are in the same “boat”. I implore you to look ahead and not behind you, in a way that affects your now and future.

Please don’t waste your love, your opportunities, your thoughts searching and wondering. Life has a way of giving back what you put forth into it. I know.

Thanks for reading. MwsR

More at a later date.

And I shall see you on this side of the rainbow.