Category: Anything

Little girl

So many times there are things that go unspoken, So many people in our world are hurting. So much to say and too little help comes their way.

MwsR

Little girl why are you so sad?

What in the world has happened to make you so weary?

I see the tears  hidden behind your freckles and bangs

I feel alongside with you

It is horrific what we humans do.

We take the innocent and make them accountable

Not for their sins but our own

We pound them down just to watch them under our very feet.

If one of us can control what isn’t ours to control

Then we become more and more bold.

I see you hide when he comes around

And it isn’t because he is a dressed up clown.

I know you feel so let down

I know no one was ever around to help you

It is not your fault

If being innocent and pretty makes you a target

That is a shame

He was the adult, he should have refrained.

I hear your prayers at night

I know you are searching for that one bright light.

You never get much sleep at night, wondering if he will come.

When daybreak sees you into another morning

I feel your excitement soon turn into mourning.

Mourning because you will have to defend, yet again

Those actions of his are his alone

Not your fault that you have to be home.

You are just a kid

A kid who deserves to be loved

Not ignored until you serve a purpose,

For that one you thought would love.

Your cries out in the woods

I hear them and know inside you, you are good.

Remember this thing won’t last your life long

If you can make it through this season or two

I have something better in place for you.

Don’t even think about ending your life

You have so much purpose, so much to give.

Your ending is still unwritten

You have the ultimate choice

And know my dear, I gave you a voice!

                                                                            MwsR ❤

If you know someone who is being abused, mentally, physically, or otherwise, please stand up for them. Take it upon yourself to help them. I was a little girl who did not have anyone. I should have had someone but they failed to come to terms with what was happening to me. It is never okay to hurt another person. If you, yourself, have or is being abused, speak to someone , anyone! Don’t let it continue, don’t stay silent.

http://www.childhelp.org/hotline
1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453)

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Photo by Matheus Bertelli on Pexels.com

 

 

Thoughts are getting real up in here…

abstract alphabet arrangement away

Seemed not that long ago. I had a house full of my children and their things. Now my house can get so quite and still. I really miss the days when I was their favorite person, and the person they wanted to be near or grow to be like.  Kids grow up way too fast, it is not just a saying, they really do.  I sometimes feel like they not only outgrew their childhood but me and their dad as well. I guess all parents feel sort of this way in some point along the path of parenthood. I try to see positive things mostly with my kids and not so much their negative aspects. So when my mind travels back into their childhood and all I find that, that time was the sweetest, best time of my life. I can only hope they recall it with as much fondness.

So…

I am not feeling the “empty nest” yet. I am on my way though. I have my two grandkids and their mom, my daughter living with me right now. I have to admit it is a joy to see my grandkids and having my chance to do it all again, as far as teaching them and nurturing them. I think I was always destined to be around children and I am almost sure I was to be a teacher. If circumstances had not steered me away from teaching, I would had been one, I am almost certain. I have always tried to look at things through a kid’s eye. Children are innately innocent and they have such wondrous curiosity for the world around them, They fail to see the bad first in people and they often times imagine that they can be anything they want to be. I try to always remain hopeful as an adult but adulthood can be discouraging. After all we have things that don’t work the same, as far as our bodies. As an adult we have limitations and sometimes our outlook stems from something that has happened to us, be it good or bad, from our own life. That can cause a dimmer outlook, and sometimes can be the sole reason we do not try again or we fail to keep working towards something. Kids outlooks are not jaded, usually, and in that frame they can accomplish great things. For them learning to write is among the first things that leads to better things, if you are a kid. See where I am going with that, kids fear very little and do not have preconceived notions that stop them from doing what they want to do or learning what they want to learn or limits ass to where they can go, in a way.

Well…

I am writing this as I have been thinking long and hard on the many changes in our lives that we go through. I even wrote a poem about the “Stages of our Life”. My hopes are that no matter what happens in our own life that we take the necessary steps to never give up, stop dreaming or living. We adults, same as kids, need hope. As adults we need to flourish, and we need to remember our past life as a learning teachable moment, no matter what. Good or bad it deserves to serve a purpose. It is just that I am getting older, things are certainly changing in my life and I want to still enjoy it. I want to have fun, have peace and cherish what time I do have left on this earth.

If mistakes are keeping you from climbing that mountain you have been on, change things up. Go a different route or maybe stop and play in a creek or stream along the way. It is even okay if you stop and just rest for a short time, ass long as you make it to the place you wish to go. We are not our mistakes, we are not our past regrets, we don’t have to be just here.

Okay so…

Not sure why I felt the need to blog this out in type but if it helps you, then maybe it was for that purpose.

Thanks for reading, please comment , like, share, or follow me.

MwsR ❤

 

 

If only (adopted one’s take on things)

Time does not change very much for me much when it comes to the relationships around me. Often I have tried to find some more meaning, purpose, and reason for the way things usually end up, have been, and so forth. As I get older I have been able to come to terms with very little with my manipulated, messed up family ties. See I never understood what is so wrong that it can’t be mended? What is so distorted that each of us cannot truly see? I am referring to my family, of course.

Let me lay some ground work into the background that I am trying to write about.  I was adopted as an infant. I was not given to strangers but to my biological father’s sister. The circumstances behind and leading to this is one of those distorted, crooked, manipulated things I mentioned before. I wish I could go back in time and really get the low down on what happened during that time period, but for the sake of not hurting everyone’s feeling in my family, I will let that part go. I was raised in the home of my bio Aunt and her husband, my older ( bio cousin) sister, and my (bio cousin) brother.  I know, it gets confusing. Easiest way to explain is my Aunt adopted me.

I remember bringing up the questions to my adopted mother, about where did I come from. I also remember that every time I did that, she would not take it very well. For the longest time I kept my questions very limited. I would refrain from them because I saw the way she looked at me and acted. I did not ever want her to think I was not grateful for her love, or that I wanted to go live with the “unknown” family. I remember many times as a teenager I was torn as to my own feelings of “something missing” and the fact that here I had this family I had been reared in and I frankly had such a battle that it near darn drove me insane. I felt so torn that I felt isolated and a burden to the family I now had. I also felt like no matter how much they said they loved me, they were not completely honest about that. I felt like little orphan Annie, no kidding.  I know that sounds weird, after all I was not orphaned and lived with a family , doing the “family” thing.

I guess no one will ever understand the torment I felt. I wanted to know who I walked like, who I talked like, whose eyes I had, etc. I was in a position where my motives and questions were examined and meant to mean I was not happy where I was and that I wanted to go live with my biological family. That was not the reasons behind my curiosity, but I never could help the family I was living with to understand that. To them it was betrayal. It was not normal. In a way I understand their position that maybe it would mean those dreadful things, like I did not love them, want them, or like living with them, but then again, what did they think when adopting me? Did they honestly think I could be part of a family , that I never saw and was not allowed to be around, and not want to know? I was kept from certain family members because there was a conflict there, somewhere in the family line that said if I was adopted into another part of the family, then the old parts of the family were not to be around me, Say what! I know, is that not crazy messed up? So much between the lines, like I have stated.

So here I am this predicament and no one will tell me anything more than tidbits, pieces, and most certainly their own versions of the story behind my adoption. Now I am a teenager that is confused, hurt, and misplaced. I really think that bothered more than my own mother letting me be adopted out. The fact that I could never be around the connecting family members to my adoption, and the fact that the biological family, I did not get to know. Bad enough was that but I never saw one picture. All the pictures of things were hidden from me as well. I was clueless as to the vast enormity of the concealment to keep me in the dark. It was and still remains not right. I deserved to know things like any other kid who gets adopted. Especially since it was my own family line that adopted me.

Little by little these types of relationships, etc. affected me and still do today. I often think back to the many years that I could had of had a peaceful heart. Many times, many missed opportunities to actually feel a part of something. When a person is kept from those that are a part of them, they begin to change, to feel there is nothing more for their life. I struggle with “forever” in aspects of my life. Sometimes feeling so isolated and left out of the whole family. I see  those around me that have experienced years of togetherness and I long for that.

My immediate family consists of three kids, a husband, and 3 grandkids. I have a cousin who was in my life before and after adoption, for whom I cherish. She has shown me that no matter what I was kept from when I was young, does not have to dictate my today and what I can have now. She taught me to look for my blessings in the here and now. She is an encourager and she is the best. Now that I am older, I try to do what she wants me to do and I try to  hold onto the people, family, etc. I now have and the ones that want to be in my life.

Life is what we make of it. Our past does not define our future. Sure we carry lots of things around with us, like my search for love, belonging, purpose, etc. There is no doubt though, that life is what you take from and re-arrange some, and dispose of. It is the good times the bad times, the in between times and the knowledge you gain. Live your life with those you love around you, never stop questioning things, don’t stop believing and hoping in things.

Thanks for reading!       daisies-flowers-heart-36470.jpg

MwsR ❤

You would had been… (dad) In leu of Father’s Day.

The you I picture,

Stout and surefooted

Calm and dangerously wild

Present minded but living in the future

Arrogant and stubborn

Supportive but still alone

Restless and spontaneous

Free and in-prisoned by your will.

Proud of family

But desperate to escape world pressures

Enjoyable and humorous

Animal lover and wildlife hunter.

Father, husband, and son.

If I could imagine how you would be…

The most important would be, still here, with me. 😦

MwsR ❤

 

 

Gone From This Old World….

Struggling hard to come to terms with this feeling

But never  relief in sight.

I even dreamt about you, oh so many times.

What you would be like, what would you say

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My birth dad! Johnny

Only if your life hadn’t ended that  way.

I have a picture or two but not really enough

I think I have studied them a lot, etched you in my mind

What my tears and heart cannot find.

I see you liked cats, wow, that is so me

I favor you too, a lot, it would seem.

I know you smoked Marlboro cigarettes

That you liked to play practical jokes,

I know your eyes were blue, as mine are,

You not being here has left a terrible scar.

I so would had loved to show you my life,

Tell you stories of things and tell you goodnight.

It just wasn’t our time, I guess

Happy endings for us were not meant to be.

I still think of you as often as I breath.

Gone from this old world, but not truly from me

See, you were my father and always will be. 

                                                                                                            MwsR ❤

 

 

Bittersweet

 

 

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Bittersweet and special were the days with the sounds of running through our house from our three children. When I think of them, I have a smile on my face. Our three kids were close in age and the first two were girls, with the last one being a boy. The many adventures and fun we had during their childhood. I believe for many reasons it kept me young at heart. I was able to stay home during their school years, not work, and often I feel very blessed to have had that opportunity. Kids grow up so fast, it would seem if you blinked for just a millisecond, the time would surely pass you by.

Our oldest daughter was an artsy” kind of gal. She literally spent most of her free time drawing or creating some abstract “thing-a-ma-gig” whenever she could. She would spend hours finding things very small and tiny to craft together and create something genius. We were always amazed at what her hands and mind came up with. She spent a lot of time studying creatures of the outdoors too. I use to brag that she knew everything about everything in the animal world. That was not far from the truth, she really did learn facts and pile them into her smart head. She retained her knowledge of things really well. I think sometimes she must have been born with this stuff already in her”wiring”.

Our second child, was our little song bird. She always ran towards the music side of things. She stayed in chorus groups all through high school and learnt the piano well enough to fill in for her music teacher at times. She was always the social one of our two daughters and she grew to be taller than me, which isn’t standing taller than most of her peers she felt often time, awkward. Her dad and I though thought she was great anyway. She used that height to play sports and run in track so I’d say that was a blessing for her. She hated being the youngest daughter but she did like the fact she had a younger brother.

Our son just graduated from high school and he is very talented as well. Saying this , of course from a mother’s perspective, but it is true. He taught hisself how to play the string instruments very well. He also has a wonderful singing voice. He , like my youngest daughter excelled in music. He stayed in choir all through his highschool. His talents helped him to become more social and he stands tall at 5’10” .The two last kids got their height from their dad.  My son, like all boys, wanted to be tall and he got his wish.

I am very proud of the many talents each of my kids possess. The main thing though as their mom is that they are happy, truly happy. I would not want them to ever feel disappointments, or sadness or defeat. Truth is though our lives were not made to be without any of those feelings. If we learn to gather things from things we go through, we will be the better for it. Sure it sucks, feeling those kinds of things but it is necessary. That way when the best, happiest, most sweetest moments come, we can enjoy them all the more. As a mother I want to always see them smile in the end, after whatever comes their way.

Isn’t funny how we can get so caught up in a moment or situation that we fail to see what really matters, or what we really have when we have it? I sometimes do for myself, and I miss my kids younger days when it seemed there was not much of worry, or anything else that would harm their spirits. As parent we must not fail to remember those times, or those moments when things were special. We must also try to pick our children up when we can and show them it will be okay. Sometimes there are no answers to things and we simply must try to walk them through it. I am not a parent genius or expert, but I know that we only get this one life and that our children grow up so fast.

Take time to remember, reflect, redirect and renew.

Kids grow up too.

I hear , rain

There is a storm going on as I write this blog. It has lots of thunder, lightning, and rain, as most storms do. Usually I look at a storm in a more cautious way than I am tonight. Tonight, I am thankful for the rain. I have a garden that is drinking up all this rain, which in turn will benefit it and me, so that makes me thankful. Usually rain, storms keep me indoors wishing I was outside. I usually complain and go to unplugging my electronics that I hold dear, like my  computer, and my phone. I really get annoyed sometimes. If a storm is really bad, I often sit in worry over things I have outside or the “what if’s”, in terms of damage or being without power.

Much of a person’s life can be related to things in nature if you only look. I feel like storms are relative to a person’s struggles through out their life. Sometimes the “storms” a person has are simply a rough patch, perhaps a struggle, possibly a time with many downs instead of ups. I think of storms in relation to a person’s life as a sort of wake up call. To me storms are often things that come out of no where often times and they bring with them lots of noise, rain and sometimes strong winds, perhaps hail too. In their wake they leave broken trees, damaged buildings or damaged things. In our own life we have moments that feel like this too. It is possible for damage to happen that we cannot repair. Often times we lose something we really liked or loved. In life we often loose something that means something to us. In retrospect, it can be a good thing.  If you relate the rain, storm, to a person’s life, one might see it is often needed to help “us”/things grow.  Sometimes a person has to experience this. Although it is difficult to “weather” a storm in one’s life, it is not impossible. I have seen beautiful people come from experiencing the worst storms in their life.  I have also seen people who did not handle storms well. By not handling storms well they missed out on something that could have been phenomenal, much like a thunderstorm.

One thing I am still learning and have learnt from life, is that nothing should always be easy, convenient, or quiet. We should experience up’s and down’s and things that grab our attention as well as things that shakes us. To be human is not always easy, but there will be good times after bad, happy times after the sad, and hope after despair. Storms or not we will always have changes.

Time to embrace those changes or maybe look at them differently, perhaps!